lawsuits, fights, and immune system compatibility

that day when i thought i was having a psychic moment about peter, i texted mom "how's everything going?" when she didn't answer after an hour or so i texted dad, "how's everything going?" he answered "awesome!" it seems like since then he's been texting me more. i think he thinks i just texted him that day to try to bond with him. he and i don't really talk that much. i guess we're too alike. we're both just really passive people that like to be bossed around, therefore we don't have much to say to each other. haha.

his boss was legally forced to remove himself from the business. the banks took him to court or something because he was in so much debt but not even trying to pay it back, still spending money like an imbecile. now it's dad's busines. him and one other guy, that is, run it now. mom has been just soooo happy. she can't stand dad's old boss.

today at work a customer tripped and fell. i had to rush around trying to figure out what forms i had to fill out, call the boss, call corporate, and try to get information out of the woman so i could report the incident to corporate. she refused to give any, and she said something about hearing from her lawyer. my coworker and boss both think it was probably staged.

my boss slept over at my house the other night because she broke up with her boyfriend and she didn't want to be in the same apartment as him that night. they'd gotten in a big fight that involved her calling him out on being on drugs, him calling her crazy, and her saying "wanna see crazy? i'll give you crazy," and then slitting her wrist in front of his face.

my boss has a lot of issues.

i think in a way i'm attracted to people that have a lot of problems. i like to try to fix their problems. i think that's partly why, if not totally why, i started talking to Tori less and less after i got a job. i used to enjoy trying to fix her problems but then i didn't have time to anymore after i got a job where i have a boss with so many problems.

but it was also partly just because Tori was just getting bitchier and bitchier as the months went by. either that or i just started minding her bitchiness more and more as the months went by. she was starting to seem more and more to me like she's just a user. sometimes she seems like a really high maintenance friend too. i swear, being her friend is like being in a relationship but just with all the responsibility and none of the benefits.

but she brought me a tattoo client a couple weeks ago. the three of us spent some time hanging out too and Tori was just being really sweet and really fun that day. did she change, or had i just been remembering her in an unreasonably negative light? ...suddenly i missed her. i missed seeing her more often. now lately i've been trying harder to be back in her life and it's almost like she's the one blowing me off now. is it her revenge? ...who knows?

and now i'm friends with this girl laurel and this guy pat and this girl michelle and this guy matt and this guy mike....it's all been a ridiculous mind-bending adventure trying to figure these people out.

i hooked up with mike but then found out he has a girlfriend. shit head.

michelle i just talk to now and then. not too much. she's a mooch. she's very spoiled. i've worked on, and greatly improved, her crappy tattoo that was done by an amateur and so far she's given me nothing for it, always saying she's gonna get around to it and never doing so.

matt is a cool dude. he's too cool, actually. i'm attracted to him but he's off-limits. he has a girlfriend. i think he's attracted to me, too.

i usually see all three of these people every week at trivia night at a local bar. mike and michelle don't like each other but matt is friends with both of them. all night he goes back and forth between them and listens to each one talk shit on the other. it's so weird. matt, especially when he's around mike, will talk all this shit on michelle and call her hoe and whatnot, but at the same time he's her friend to the degree that he goes out of his way to spend time with her. it's so weird.

there's another trivia night (kinky quizzo, more specifically) tomorrow night. will i go? ...only if one or more of the three of them calls me and reminds me. i only wanna go if i'm welcome. michelle might not call or text cuz she's pissed off that i won't work on her tattoo for free anymore. mike might not call or text cuz he's pissed off that i won't be his "other girl" anymore. matt might not call or text cuz he feels weird around me cuz he knows i like him and he has a girlfriend.

have i talked about mike? the night that i officially realized i was attracted to him was the first night i ever got close enough to him to smell him. matt was telling me i smell good and i was like "really? i don't know why. i don't have perfume on or anything. maybe it's mike." mike was like "wanna smell me?" and he stretched out his shirt sleeve so i could stick my nose in and get a whiff of him. i did, and then suddenly i was hit in the face with his essence and his appeal. smelling him was like drinking love potion number nine. what the hell did he put on himself that night? ...maybe nothing. maybe it's just that whole scientific explanation about different humans smelling different based on the kinds of immune systems they have.

psychics and bees

there is a memory that comes back to me every now and then, a memory about ben and peter when they were babies. they both needed attention at the same time. that morning it was my job to take care of them. i was feeding ben--i think i had just started feeding him, henceforth, getting him to stop crying--and peter started crying. i knew for a fact that peter didn't need anything. i had just changed his diaper and i think i had just fed him, but he was looking at me and crawling towards me as i was sitting on the armchair feeding ben. he was stretching one of his arms towards me. i knew what he wanted. he just wanted to be held. right then i was frustrated by that because being held is not a need. being fed is a need. i was frustrated at him. all that was on my mind at the moment was, "i'm doing my job. i'm doing what is required. i'm tending to the physical needs of these babies. peter is being too demanding." i was being selfish. maybe i could have leaned ben's head against one of the arms of the armchair, put the bottle down, picked up peter, then transferred him to one arm and used the other hand to feed ben. but then, if i did that, for a few seconds there i would have had to listen to crying from BOTH babies at once as opposed to just one. again, i was being selfish. i just sat feeding ben as i looked at peter who was on his hands and knees on the floor in front of the armchair, crying, crawling towards me, stopping and lifting one arm to reach it out towards me. after doing that for a minute or so, he just sort of collapsed and laid on the floor, still crying.

every now and then this memory comes back to me and i'm filled with a horrible feeling of guilt until i somehow manage to push the memory out of my head and occupy my mind with something else. today was one of the days that this memory came back to me. i was at work. i was finding it surprisingly hard to push the memory out of my head today. also i was remembering that last night my boss and i were discussing the subject of psychics. also i was remembering that last night i had bad dreams about children getting hurt.

all these thoughts and realizations led me to this thought: "could i be having a psychic moment right now? is something bad happening to peter right now?"

then later i found out that peter stepped on a bee today.

it's probably all coincidental, because the degree of worry that was present in me today isn't exactly equivalent to the degree of worry that is evoked from learning that he stepped on a bee.