10/19/10

as i was about to fall asleep last night i remembered that the previous night i had another dream about driving a car and the car brakes not working right. i was pretty shook up about that as it was happening. i guess my previous statement wasn't exactly true (that i don't get shaken up about dying when i'm dreaming). well, it's just true sometimes. i get scared in those car dreams. i have a lot of those too. dreams about car brakes not working right, and dreams about accidentally killing pets. last night it was a little green snake.

Uncle Danny died yesterday. he had a stroke.

first impressions

Sean M: shady but then friendly, not that bright

Sean C: flirty, silly, youthful, fun, happy-go-lucky

Shy: blunt, forward, outgoing, domineering

Dopie: sweet, gentlemanly, courteous, mild-mannered

also 10/18/10

i'm getting the feeling that if i want to have people to tattoo, i have to act interested in guys even when i'm not interested in them. it really seems like that's what it comes down to. i have to act like a big flirt. i have to sell myself, not just my tattoos (in a sense). it's usually only guys that hit on me, that get excited about me tattooing them (besides my really close friends like Darya and Lindsay). Yohannes. Yohannes wants me to tattoo him. he was going on about how it has to be after this fight he has scheduled with someone though and he fights professionally cuz he's trained in MMA (mixed martial arts). Kevin. Kevin wants me to tattoo him. Kevin who's in his 30's or 40's and who I heard going on and on to his friend about how he likes younger girls. hmm.

10/18/10

last night i had the most horrible dream.

when i have dreams that i'm in life-threatening situations, i'm usually not really that bothered or scared by them. i mean i always try to overcome whatever obstacle is set before me but i always half expect to fail and it doesn't really bother me or phase me, like i just don't take the situation that seriously. i know i'm not going to be devastated or anything if i fail. is it because i already know i'm in a dream? it's hard to explain. it's hard to figure out. i don't know if i know that i'm dreaming but i just always get this feeling in the back of my mind that what's going on around me isn't exactly real/reality per se. or it's another version of reality. but i should still be shaken up about life-threatening situations right? why wouldn't i be? i would be shaken up by them in real life. but is that because i don't want to die or just because i don't want to die without a fight, or i don't want to die because of something stupid. i want to die because of something important. and my dreams set important meaningful life-threatening obstacles before me, so therefore i wouldn't care much if i died or not. or is it that....i'm just uncomfortable being in the dream world?

in real life i'm usually distracted and overwhelmed by all the little details of everything. i have to take in and process, one by one, little things around me. a CD, a DVD, a CD rom, a printer, a lipstick, a credit card, a magazine, a lipstick advertisement in the magazine, the words and picture in the advertisement, a coffee cup, the cleanliness of the coffee cup, each little individual coffee stain or drip on the coffee cup, the fly on the coffee cup, a hair tie, a computer mouse, the little apple on the computer mouse meaning it goes to a mac, the shininess and reflectiveness of the mouse, what it's reflecting, the fact it's reflecting the computer screen and the ceiling and the printer and the mirror that's behind everything at the desk, and my head if i lean it.....how many inches to my right? about six, and my shoulder too, and the window behind me, and the tree that's outside the window.....

anyway that's how it is in real life but not in dreams. i don't focus on little details in dreams because there aren't little details everywhere because my mind doesn't create such complex and detailed universes/worlds/realities. therefore i'm just forced to focus on people and their situations, their emotions and my emotions and whatnot. therefore maybe i start to become a bit uncomfortable in these dream worlds. they become too intense. i don't like having to constantly focus on people and their feelings. maybe that's why i don't get all shook up from life-threatening situations in dreams. i don't care if i die or not. i'm not comfortable with this kind of existence anyway.

so last night i had the most horrible dream that i accidentally killed my dog. he was jumping up on me or chewing something or doing something bad, i forget what, but i gripped his wrists (of his front legs) and squeezed really hard. for some reason it had the effect of making him close his eyes and collapse. i thought that meant he was just going to be unconscious for a minute or two. i walked away. a minute later Mom came over to me holding him and said "you've pushed your dog to death" or something to that effect and i was so horrified, indescribably horrified. then i woke up. i was so fuckin happy to wake up.

10/16/10

*Halloween party pics haha

*Doris & Darya talking, Manny holding Vinny

*Marco

*Marco & Vinny

*Tom & Sandy as Mother Nature and Father Time

*all the party people

*me & Denise (as one of the guys from Brokeback Mountain)

*Marco & Vinny

*me

*Marco & Doris

*Linda & Manny

*Mom & Dad

*another one of Harry

*Ben & Peter going trick-or-treating with the Tasker kids

*a tattoo i did on my friend Doris. it's her and her husband's initials, DRO and JEO

*Jenna using the potty XD haha isn't that awesome

*tattoos i did on a pig ear

*Here's the puppy we got!!! his name's Harry. we did a DNA test for him to see what kind of dog he is. turns out he's an american bulldog golden retriever australian shepherd mix. oh and with a little bit of chow chow

Today i thought i was gonna skip running/walking cuz of it being cold out and me  having a long day and all (and the gym being closed before i got back from work). Then i realized i wasnt going to be able to 

sleep well if i hadnt got my heart rate up or at least gone on a walk at all today (ive been jogging at least 20 mins every day 

this past week. Before that i was just going every other day). So i went on a walk. I didnt change outta my regular clothes cuz  

i was just planning on walking not running. I got partway thru the walk and realized i absolutely wasnt going to be satisfied at 

all just walking. I had to jog. The hole in one of my vans shoes undoubtedly got torn bigger from that. Oh well.

p.s.

p.s. one time i asked kelley why she never considered an abortion (cuz her twin girls weren't planned on). she just said she just never did. i also happen to know that shy is anti-abortion. it occured to me that maybe that's why they haven't had me over again in a while. maybe shy's afraid he'll get me pregnant and then i'll kill his baby.

oct 11, 2010

yea so i texted sean c. about visiting him again and he never texted me back. looks like i was misreading the way he acted when i went to see him. the thought just struck me to delete him on facebook. then i wouldn't have to see his statuses and then i wouldn't misinterpret them. but then if i delete him he'll take that as me being bitter and i'm not. i guess i won't delete him. i just won't pay attention to his statuses anymore.

i'm pretty sure i'm not capable of relationships. they just require too much communication, and communication's not exactly my thing

haha. something else occured to me. i have to stay single cuz i'm the girl couples call when they want a threesome (yea, uh, i had one with shy and kelley, tug and chelsea....and how many couples have acted like they wanted to? let's see....dopie and rachel, dana and ralff, darya and ray....possibly dopie and alaina. oh and possibly amanda and chris. yea).

which reminds me. kelley hasn't texted me or answered messages or wall posts from me on facebook. it seems like shy and kelley don't wanna have me over any more? then something else occured to me later: maybe they are just being like that cuz they think i don't want to again cuz i was all reluctant and shit at first, the last time stuff happened between the three of us. or it could really be just that kelley stopped liking me. i don't know. one day last week it was only me and shy at work, cuz shane was sick and it was dopie's day off. we had a lot of time to talk. shy was asking me all these questions about myself and he said "i'm trying to get to know you, i don't know you for shit." that surprised me. he feels like he still doesn't know me. i mentioned that he still hasn't seen me high. maybe if he had then he would feel like he knows me. something just occured to me right now. maybe he was trying to subliminally say "wait i thought you liked having threesomes with me and kelley, then the last time it was like you were reluctant. what changed? i don't get you. i don't get you man i don't get what you're thinking. talk to me." anyway when i said that maybe he would know me better if he saw me high, he was like "i don't get it. explain. elaborate." then i said "i don't know how to elaborate, i don't know how to put it in words. using words is so hard, i dont know how, when i try to use words its like my brain is being squeezed and skewered...like my brain is in a vice and it's being turned and squeezed harder and harder and more torturously till it explodes and thats the thing thats so hard about this society, you have to use words so much and its so hard" then he said "i know what you mean"

three nights in a row i just had a whole bunch of sex dreams all night. maybe that's when i was ovulating.

the other day i actually ate some chicken. it was on a day there was basically like no food left in the house so i didn't have anything to pack and bring to work, and i didn't have money to buy anything either, and josh brought in this tupperware container of homemade chicken noodle soup that becky made and it was for anyone and everyone and it was sitting in the fridge in the back and when no one was looking i ate a little of it, the whole time thinking "i can't believe i'm doing this. ....well i guess i'm vegan until i'm starving."

the other day shy randomly gave me this black castlevania t shirt and said "merry christmas toots. i saw this in the store and it reminded me of you so i got it for you."

we got a puppy today. i have to write more details about that.

i will be your hydration. i will be both in and around your body as it moves through the night. i will make your body glisten serenely in the moonlight. your hot skin will be soothed by the cool touch of mine. i will be in and around you. come to me. run within me. walk within me. just be with me. ----quoth the steam of the misty night

jamie has some kind of boyfriend cat. a black and white cat that must live around here or something.

mom somehow drunk dialed the woman who we got the puppy from. she thought she was calling uncle chad. the woman answered the phone and mom thought it was chad disguising his voice and she said "sexy voice, chadwick." and the woman was like "what? who is this?" and mom said "very sexy, chadwick." the woman was just like "what?" and mom looked at her phone and realized what number she had called and said "i think i have the wrong number" and the woman said "yea i think you do."

i got a talking-to the other day by shy, about tattooing behind his back. i got a major talking-to.

i can't get over how fucking adorable his kids are!!!!!!!

sheesh. shane has all these obnoxious friends that come in the shop and try to show me their genitalia. when does it end?

angry phone messages from pat h. saying "you owe me better than this." .....ok.

oh here's something else that's important that i've been wanting to write about for a while but just never got to it till now: last time me & shy & kelley had a threesome, afterwards me & shy cuddled naked and slept there together like that through the night. ......in a lot of ways that was the best part.

early october

10/1/10

shy told me that if i dint have a college degree i wouldnt have gotten the  apprenticeship. That came as a surprise to me. Another  surprise: shy was offered to have a tv show made about our shop. He declined, 

obviously.  

the stag was in a seemingly conciliatory stance. He lowered his head to the  doe's wound. Was he going to ram his antler into it and make it deeper, or was he going to lick it clean?  

Msg: "you are the only exception" by paramore. That song was on the radio the  other night as i was driving home. (2/6) Maybe thats what made me think of sean. Maybe 
thats why i choose to write about him now. It seems like once you've had your heart broken, once you've been(3/6)  forced to 
give up on that whole ideal scenario of finding prince charming who sweeps you off your feet and you live happily ever 
after--once you give up (4/6) on all that happening, only then can you find true love, or be successful in love-related matters. I changed 
since last time i was seeing sean. I've (5/6)changed my perspective on life and relationships. after that whole thing 
happened with him and i healed from it, i was content to Go thru life never finding love. The risk behind it just wasnt worth it. Then he 
sort of just came back into my life. Knock on wood. And his presence, his company, his person...he's just so intoxicating, so 
addictive. The way he thinks. The way his thoughts flow. The way he works. His point of view, his perspective, towards life, 
towards other people, his outlook, his views and philosophies on states of consciousness, the way he doesnt take himself or life 
too seriously, its like he doesnt have an ego he's impossible to offend. He's totally just non judgmental, open, accepting, goofy, 
but so fuckin smart. He's not afraid to show he has emotions either. He has them. He expresses them. He lets them be known. He finds 
wonder in things that other ppl dont even notice. He was more attached to ralph & vinny than any of my other friends were. 
Sometimes i wonder if he thought of himself as their dad, since i was their mom

Cockapoopoopeepeeshire. Last night dopie sent me a picture of a sea dragon that  he drew. He sent it thru pic mail on my phone. For a second i wondered if he had feelings for me or if he was just lonely or 
something. I didnt think about it or consider it for too long tho (i was trying not to cuz i know sometimes i can overthink things). Apparently long enough to have a dream related to that that night tho 
(last night). . . .   

So the other night i had this dream i was at work and i noticed jim from the  office was there And then my thoughts were "oh i havent seen him here in a while. Where's he 
been? Why didnt i notice till just now that he hasnt been here in a while? I shouldve noticed by now, he's a coworker. And he just 
sort of gave me this look that said "notice me." i knew he represented dopie cuz ive thought to myself before that dopie's 
personality reminds me of jim's


They run and skip and jump jubilantly thru life. Are they running so fast to  make the things they run by seem blurry, so they won't  have to see the details and thus see the wrongness and fucked-uppedness of 
things? Are they blindfolding themselves to the  harshness of the world? Or have they seen all its harshness and details and 
still find it beautiful, still find life wonderful,  still have energy joy and life bursting forth from them which explains their 
inability to sit still? Either way, they are content.  Whether they've seen it all or have seen nothing, they are content


He was the one, after all, who had made her change her mind about his gender.  Now, however, he was altering his behavior. Was it  because he had faith that she would change her mind again? Or was it because he 
had faith that she would not change her mind again?  

10/4/10
last night i had a dream about dying. Well more specifically i had to be in a  coma underground for a month, in order to be able to  wake up again and then be able to have at least a few last months to live. I was 
trying my hardest to be ready to die, or to be able to say goodbye to the world for a month or something. I was thinking "why 
does this seem so hard all of a sudden? I thought i  was ready to die. I thought i'd already accomplished everything i'd wanted to 
and therefore found life generic and mundane and i  thought i was ready to die but at the last minute i wasnt. At the last minute it 
was really scary. I was telling dopie about the  whole thing, and crying while he cried too and hugged me, when i woke up.  You know what 
was pretty adorable? That time i slept over his place, for a few hours we were asleep sitting next to each other on  the couch with our 
heads leaning on each other. So adorable.


10/9/10
Last night i had a dream about shy. We were both naked. I was feeling him up.  Then i came, just from having my hands on his body. I came and it felt like i female ejaculated. .....such a hot dream.

10/11/10
haha. i spoke too soon when i was saying all those things about sean c. coming back into my life.