wanted

a sociopathic genius who acknowledges there is no one reality.

i thought i could make myself turn gay if i just wanted it bad enough. it turns out, i couldn't.

the two guys i've loved were a cancer and a capricorn.

the two guys i've had ongoing sex-based relationships with were a scorpio and an aries.

just trying to notice patterns.

i feel like such an asshole, like I led Kati on and then blew her off or something. but i just seriously didn't realize i'm not that into girls like that, until some point after she told me she was attracted to me. now i feel like i can't really be mad at sean carione. i did something to someone, that was similar to what he did to me. that's how it seems.

then again, when i thought i could be gay, i was still on depo provera which practically took away all my sex drive, then i was back off it again and all i could think about is penises all the time. so...............i blame it on the drugs. drugs, legal drugs, fda approved and prescribed by doctors, are dangerous. they can lead to broken hearts. hear that? government-approved drugs, they break hearts. they probably break hearts everyday. right now, to me, that seems like some pretty fucked up shit. huh. and there's all this stereotyping about women being so moody and moodswingy and whatever, well yea maybe that's cuz you're putting them on all these drugs, these psychopath pills, changing who they are (but at least you won't get them pregnant).

ben gets his penis surgery tomorrow.

i can't swallow anything without my ears and throat hurting.

esophagogastroduodenoscopy

esophagogastroduodenoscopy. a new word i learned today. i don't think i've ever seen a longer word.

feb 12 2010

theo's acting weird.

mom referred to me as "the mommy" to jenna and jamie. i said "i thought you were the mommy." and mom said "well you're the only one who lets them mangle your body. they're sick of us cuz we won't let them." then she told a story of one of them attacking her or jumping on her or something.

the romance of jim & pam from "the office" = what i've fantasized about happening to me, ever since the series came out

signal-emitting devices

in order to prevent myself from hurting myself or others i must restrain myself from doing so many things. drinking alcohol makes restraining myself SO much harder. why am i drinking? why do i drink? .....maybe the mormons are onto something.

there is such a communication barrier between me and everyone else.

sometimes i feel so happy
sometimes i feel so sad
sometimes i feel so happy
but mostly you just make me mad
baby you just make me mad
linger on
your pale blue eyes
linger on
your pale blue eyes

velvet underground

i think maybe i will always feel like an alien trapped in a human body. ......humans are so ilogically programmed it's impossible to understand.
thats y
you say i'm so chill, so calm, so laidback, so nonjudgmental so had to offend. that's because i take what people say and i take this time trying to translate it and understand it and just think about it, and in the meantime (cuz ppl won't wait that long) i just give ppl the benefit of the doubt.

alyssa says she thinks my way is better. she makes me feel better. she says she doesn't think there's been misunderstandings between us.

and i say thank you for listening to my bullshit.

another thought i had, on the plane from tampa to philadelphia: it feels like maybe this whole life has been just a big long acid trip. i mean sometimes that's what i have to think in order to believe and process what people are saying and doing. sometimes while smoking i've had this thought: seems like being high is like being sober and being sober is like a really bad acid trip.

why are there so many times when people tell you the rules and restrictions behind something without telling you the reason why? " please refrain from......., please step away from......, please keep your......, please turn off your......, please put away your.......,"

please turn off cell phones and other signal-emitting devices
uh excuse me hey sorry just curious as to the reason we turn off our cell phones
it interferes with the plane's navigation system
oh ok


i am a thousand times more motivated to follow that rule.
i am one of those who want the plane to arrive in its proper location.

happy tampa

starbucks isn't legally allowed to sell you more than ten shots of espresso at a time. the time limit is three hours. you buy ten shots, come back three hours later, you can buy ten more. never knew that til last night. my friend Rachyl who used to work there told me that.

someone got arrested at work yesterday. one of the employees. Mark, a heavyset black guy who was in charge of refilling salad bar items & such. it was probably for drugs. i saw everything through the glass window when i was in the office in the middle of counting the register drawer. suddenly i heard "put your hands on the table! i'm not gonna tell you again!" and i thought "wait a minute, who talks to someone like that?" and i looked up and Mark was being handcuffed and then taken away. ....i'm rather neutral towards the whole thing. i had nothing against him, but i wasn't overly fond of him either. he was always trying to get me to go out drinking with him and i would just politely blow him off but the whole time i just wanted to yell at him, "you're too old! it's not gonna happen! give it up, fuck off. this is getting creepy."

work all night on a drink of rum, daylight come and me wanna go home.

i've been so happy and jubilant these last two days. i think it's just because of having spent a week in tampa. the sunlight did something to me. i remember being down there and waking up in the morning and being SO HAPPY to be alive with the sun shining and the palm trees swaying and i just wanted to give the whole world a big hug or something. all the bad things, wrong things, corrupt things, fucked up things happening in the world---i felt like i had enough love in my heart that if i could just emanate it towards everyone and everything then it would all be fixed. a couple times i even wondered if it might be possible that i'm the next messiah if i can have this much indiscriminate love for the world.

I've seen cactus growing like ivy, growing in vines clinging to and hanging from trees. i've seen pink fruit growing on cactus. i've seen some kind of weird moss hanging from all the palm trees on Druid Street in Tampa. i've seen a raccoon crossing the street. i've seen little lizards basking in the sun. i've seen blowfish skeletons on the beach. i've seen (and felt) biting ants when i picked up a log that they were occupying the underside of. i've seen what baby coconuts look like. at first i thought they were cumquats or baby mangoes. there were green ones and orange ones hanging in clusters of fifty or a hundred. then i saw another coconut tree with more developed but still unripe coconuts on it. they looked kinda like green mangoes. you can shake them and hear the liquid. then supposedly if you pull off the top green leafy layer then the hairy brown coconut part is underneath.

me & mom had drunken late night talks. she told me she used to be a nude stripper. i never knew that, i thought she'd only been a topless one. haha she said that the nude strip clubs didn't allow alcohol and the topless ones did, and she worked in a nude one and she wasn't stripping without alcohol so she would always just bring a bottle of vodka and keep it in her locker. eventually her boss found out and said "so i understand you keep a bottle of vodka in your locker" and my mom confirmed it and then he just said "are you willing to share?" and then after that there was a lot more drinking going on in that strip club, and business prospered because drunk dancers attract more customers.