dad's birthday pt 2

and the other strange thing today--it seemed like it was really hard, or harder, to eat and drink things. my stomach didn't want anything. it didn't want to have to expand. it complained every time i made it expand.

i found out sean m. hates me

i got really furiously mad at tim h. for fucking up my life and making me attracted to men who hate women. at that moment i wanted to tell him that if he ever tried calling me again i would cut his throat. then i went for a walk and took a hit from my bowl and i felt better. i wasn't as angry after that...not nearly as angry.

dad's birthday

do people ever ride zebras?

my chick's bad, my chick's hood, my chick do stuff your chick wish she could. --some song i heard today

cats' eyes always look so happy, especially when they're closed or partway closed, or being closed. i mean really. ever notice that? your petting a cat and she's purring and she closes her eyes in pleasure...the way her eyes are shaped, they just look so jubilant.

for some reason all day today i felt really weak. maybe i was still getting over that throwing-up sickness from yesterday and the day before. maybe i was just really weak from not having sustenance in my body, from throwing it all up. maybe i was weak and tired just because i didn't have any coffee (cuz i was afraid my stomach couldn't handle it after that throwup sickness yesterday). and it wasn't totally over until some point today actually. this morning i woke up feeling all queazy. the feeling eventually went away, like, early afternoon. maybe i was just weak today cuz i got up at 8:30. i usually don't til like 10 or 11. well today was dad's birthday. i felt the obligation to be awake as soon as my mom & brothers were. i got dad a bottle of JD. the boys got him a remote controlled little R2D2.

leave the gun. take the canolies.

One in three Japanese women under 34 is unmarried. Because of this shortage of husbands, there has started to be classes in Japan that teach women how to get husbands. I heard about this from watching the news. ....Really? All those unmarried Japanese women, well, they should just move over here for christ's sake! They would be so instantly popular they would get husbands in a snap. I mean most guys over here really like Asian women plus there's the fact that this country idolizes Japan. Hell, these Japanese women have their solution sitting right here in front of them.

It seems a bit like a lot of tattoo people (tattoo artists and/or people covered in tattoos) consider tattoos to be some kind of real art form or something. The tattoo artist Karly I met a couple weeks ago....on her myspace page under "who I'd like to meet" it says "People who love and have a deep respect for the art of tattooing" or something like that. ....tattooing as a real art form? Well that's just stupid. If art is self-expression and tattooing is art, then, what happens when you run out of skin space on your body? Oh. No more self-expression.

Sometimes I wonder whether the boys are really just a lot more of a handfull than me & Chelsea were, or if Mom just has less patience than she used to.

I could use an L trip.

You know when I say stuff like "What if life is just really one long acid trip, or one long dream or something?" a lot of people might think that just sounds insane....but listen to the song "Row Row Row Your Boat," a really popular children's song in this country and time period. Listen to the lyrics: "merrily merrily merrily merrily, life is but a dream."

I saw The Godfather all the way through for the first time last night. It seems funny that Vito's daughter's wedding is the big happy event in the beginning of the movie that brings all the family together so the audience can understand how things are in that family...but then by the end of the movie, that wedding or union is an obstacle to that family or something they have to undo or defeat. They have to come together as a family to defeat it.

"Leave the gun. Take the canolies."

Lately it seems to me that it's a very wise move for people to keep their sexual selves and their emotional/sentimental selves separate from each other. I mean unless maybe they want to have kids.....and even then, though, maybe not. It's been occuring to me that I should be happy about being single because it means I'm free. And when I think about it like that then I am happy.

just more

i think i figured out why i couldn't be a parent. i could never be that in someone's business....i mean as much as a parent has to be in her kid's business.

a lot of times when i see a child doing something--something that i later find out most parents would consider to be hazardous, dangerous, or unsafe--i'm just thinking like "well, i wouldn't do that, but i wouldn't do a lot of things other people do, and that works for them, and maybe it's working for this kid too...i wouldn't know, i've never been him. i don't know what it's like to be him."

or maybe i could be a parent but just a different kind of parent than my dad is. maybe i'm not unfit to be a parent, maybe he's just super uptight. i really can't tell. i'm thinking of the time peter half=picked-up the kids' table like he was about to topple it over and the cat was in the way. i was thinking ya the cat is in the way but shes aware, shes looking at peter. also i still dont even really know if hes gonna topple the table over. so i just looked i didnt say anything, but as soon as dad saw, he looked alarmed and bellowed "PETER!" and then peter put the table back down.

swooning sigh

Jim from The Office is SO my FANTASY MAN in SO many ways

3/3/10

ha, i'm dirty in stay-at-home life. i shower like every three days. putting on and taking off clothes, getting wet then getting dry again its all just so inconvenient, a hassle, uncomfortable to a degree. you're changing the size and shape of your body, the size and shape of your skin, putting on and taking off clothes.

after vinny took a hit from my pipe he wandered to the edge of the counter and then just stared into space, as if wondering what other worlds were out there.

....this is vinny after a bath hehe