puppies...

...make the world go round.

laid

for some reason last night i had a dream with amanda (chris's girlfriend and sean's ex) in it. leelee was still alive. i was at the store buying chew toys for her. amanda was there helping me pick them out. whatever store we were in was playing music. that song came on--"laid" by james. amanda and i both started singing along with it, looking at each other as we were singing it especially at the part that goes "ah i think you're so pretty..." oh we were having so much fun. i don't know why i dreamt of amanda. maybe i wish i saw her more? i'm pretty sure i know why i dreamt of leelee. she was the only dog we ever had that came without behavioral problems, the only dog we ever kept until she died. i guess yesterday i was thinking that i miss having a dog. we found a new home for harry since he kept killing the chickens. we're not taking care of molly for denise anymore since she and my mom aren't friends anymore. we still have a huge economy-size pack of puppy pads sitting around. we've been trying to clear up clutter around the house in preparation for guests coming over for thanksgiving. dad was like "can i throw these out?" and mom was like, "no, that's just going to jinx it. as soon as you throw those out we're going to get a puppy."

my cousin christian has supposedly been feeling suicidal lately and has been in the hospital for it the last few days. he's only eleven. christ. what is the world coming to? mom was talking on the phone to aunt margo the other night (they're coming over for thanksgiving). for years my autistic cousin caleb was content with the hobby of putting wooden beads onto strings. now his latest favorite thing to do is to swing the strings of beads around. when he does this he doesn't watch where he's swinging them. he knocks stuff over all over the house and sometimes hits and hurts people. his other favorite thing to do is to run backwards. he (predictably) can't see where he's going when he does this and often falls and hurts himself, and has been to the ER for this several times. margo still has chronic constant back pain and is on medication all the time for it but it still doesn't totally take it away. celia is a senior in high school. lately she has this problem where she throws up all the time. nobody can figure out why. she's had to take a lot of time off from school because of it. also she has some kind of learning disorder. after telling me about all this, mom said, "after listening to margo talk about her life...... man, there is nothing wrong with my life."

four years

well i told pat all my thoughts & issues about tattooing, and my doubts about whether i should continue doing it. he just sort of invalidated my reasons for doubt one by one, and then said,

"you're the weirdest chick i ever met. you over-think and over-analyze everything. you're going to give yourself a heart attack before you're thirty. can you stop pacing back and forth, please, and just sit down?" i sat down and calmed down. i considered the fact that i switched medications a few weeks ago. for all i know, that's the thing that's making me worry so much. maybe zoloft makes you not care and not worry about anything, whereas prozac doesn't do that. i felt better after i told pat about all my thoughts and worries and issues. i think that was all i needed, just to tell him. i didn't need to quit. i'm not going to quit doing something i've loved doing for the last four years.

really

every single new person that i meet, when i tell them i tattoo they all have the exact same reaction: incredulous expressions on their faces while they say something along the lines of "what?! you tattoo? how old are you?" or "do you even have any tattoos on you?" or "i never would have guessed that" or "i can't picture you as a tattooist."

my brain hurts

thoughts and preoccupations:

i love tattooing but i don't know if i love tattooed people. actually i don't know if i love people in general. i want to tattoo people but i don't want all the stupid small talk that has to come before and after tattooing someone if you want to have enough friendly acquaintances that like tattoos, to be able to keep it up.

what do i do?

katie attracts clientele by being a bar tender i think. well i mean i know she's a bar tender but i don't know if that has anything to do with how she attracts clientele. maybe i could try to learn bar tending if someone would ever be willing to try to teach me. i don't want to ask anyone though. i don't like to ask people for things. plus....if i'm going to have two jobs (and that has to be the plan because tattooing is not steady money) it would be nice if one of them involved animals.

know what would be nice? taking care of horses at a boarding stable and being a trail ride guide. i just got a job like that today. i start sunday. it sounds like it's going to be fun and all except for the fact that it's less than minimum wage. however, if i work there i get to ride for free whenever i want. that shouldn't be important, though, should it? it should be important that i have a job that provides money and provides opportunities to meet new people so i can tell those people i do tattoos and thus attract business to the shop.

whenever i'm about to go into work, it shouldn't feel like i'm about to go in for my daily dose of abuse and torture. should it?

but i still like tattooing!

grimy and pat try to tell me that you attract clientele by meeting people in bars. you attract clientele by going out drinking. however i've tried that with them a few different nights now and so far it hasn't worked. i've just ended up spending my money on alcohol. i tried to talk to this one guy about potential tattoo ideas and he just thought i was hitting on him and got all pissy when he realized i wasn't.

pat and grimy try to tell me if i want to tattoo then i have to "drink a lot more and fuck a lot more." ...i'm really hoping they're wrong. what if they're right? would it be worth it? do they not ever have any fear of venerial diseases?

what if i like this horse farm job? what if i get more horse farm jobs since this one is only one day a week? what if i find another horse farm job that actually provides good pay? would i just give up tattooing for that job? i don't know about that. it depends how much i like the people i work with, i guess.

i really wonder if, having this new horse farm job, i'm going to actually meet anybody who wants to get tattooed by me.

would i ever just give up tattooing?

i was on the verge of quitting today. i had it in my head that i was going to walk in and say, "i've been re-thinking my life. i think i shouldn't be a tattooist." then they weren't there today. and then i re-thought that decision and told myself not to make any rash decisions. see how things work out. see if i can actually attract any clientele to the shop.

are there a lot of horse people that are also tattoo people? i've known at least one.

i could also try working at petland, where i've seen that some of their employees have tattoos.

i could try to learn bar tending. i could try to learn dog grooming. those are both things that have to be taught though! so i have to bother someone to teach me!

ok, here's the plan: see how this horse job goes. but what's the plan for if i meet people who want tattoos, versus if i don't meet people who want tattoos? hmmmm. if it doesn't work for anyone else, it might work for alyssa. having this job, i mean. bribing her into coming over this way. we can also go on a trail ride and since i don't have to pay to ride then we'll split the cost of her riding and then it's cheaper for her.

if i don't meet people who want tattoos? and if it's dead in the shop for long enough? and if i really like the horse job? and if i look around at other horse farms and they also need help? and if i get another horse farm job? what if i get another horse farm job and it's good pay and it fills whatever hole in my soul is there from not tattooing? would i just totally switch over? i don't know.....maybe, maybe not.

i told tori i wanted to learn grooming and she said she would teach me and it's easy. when is she actually ever going to get around to it though?

i have half a mind to ask katie how hard bar tending is to learn, next time i see her.

would i be able to handle being a bar tender? if i was a bar tender and a tattooist then that would mean i have two jobs that both entail dealing with people a lot. WOULD i be able to hack it?

pat and grimy trying to tell me i have to go out and party and drink and fuck.....is that just them trying to get me drunk and fuck me? ......the day after grimy tried to put moves on me and i wasn't going for it, he was really grumpy and wasn't acting like he wanted to teach me anything anymore. the day after pat tried to put moves on me and i wasn't going for it, he was really grumpy and wasn't acting like he wanted to teach me anything anymore. .....was hiring me just their little scheme to get laid?

ugh.

how big of assholes do my coworkers have to be in order for me to just give up having this job that entails having an artistic eye (which is what i want in a job)? ....i don't know, but that's what i'm starting to be forced to figure out these days.

deja vu

i've been wondering more and more lately if i should still even be tattooing. this apprenticeship kind of feels like deja vu. what if this whole time i've been tattooing i've just been trying to be someone i'm not? i'm giving myself a headache from stressing over it so much.

love what i do...

"you feel guilty a lot, don't you?"

"we should just tattoo your whole arm green."

"if i washed off my dick would you suck it?"

"just hook up with joe."

"you don't have to tip them."

"she's smarter than you give her credit for."

"she bounces back."

"did you really just go over and apologize?"

"are you spying on me?"

"i saw you just go over there and give her a dollar and say 'i'm sorry.' you don't have to tip them especially if you're not even standing at the bar."

"then what are they here for?!"

"i love you liz."

"i............loveyoutoo."

"what?! fuck you liz! just throwing words around!"

"was your mom a stripper?"

"you think too much."

"i wanna hit that before i disrespect her."

"i just don't get how you thought it wasn't okay to fuck your boss, but it was okay to punch your boss in the head?"

"ok i won't ever do that again."

"i just think punching someone seems worse than fucking them."

"you think so?.....i think sex is more emotionally loaded than fighting. what did you say before i punched you? you could have punched me back."

"you were saying to katie 'i wish there was something i could do to help' and i said 'yea there's something you can do to help, you can shut the fuck up.' and we were in your car so i wasn't going to punch you back."

am i a square peg trying to fit into a round hole?

or is this just what it feels like to be working again after so much time not working? is this the amount of stress that being a working person entails?

tori says shane and jenna are always fighting.

i made an ass out of grimy by going up to that stripper after he refused to tip her, and tipping her and apologizing for him (and then i gave her one of our cards; maybe i shouldn't have done that?). should i feel bad about that? was i in the wrong? did i cross some kind of line? am i on his team because i'm his coworker, or am i on her team because i'm a woman?

come to think of it, it wasn't even the fact that he didn't tip her. that wasn't it at all. it was the fact that he was being obnoxious about it. he was laughing at her, and laughing about her behind her back when she walked away. he was expecting me to laugh along with him.

i guess this apprenticeship is different from my last one because, number one, there's no way i'm going to fuck any of my coworkers. number two, i know i don't have to like my coworkers. they don't have to like me either. we don't have to like each other, and most likely i'm not going to like them because tattoo people are all pretty much douche bags (i hate to generalize, but, they are). all we have to do is help each other make money. that's all we have to do.

if i make money for them, i'm basically their equal. i don't have to kiss their asses.

but, then again, am i still going to love tattooing as much if i have to always be around guys that are douche bags whenever i'm doing it?

is it possible to love your job but hate your coworkers?

"love what i do, hate where i work." -shane

i guess it is possible.

this apprenticeship is also different because of katie, though. another apprentice. another girl. another person with asperger syndrome. we can understand each other at least somewhat. and when i said "hate your coworkers" i was only referring to pat and grimy, not to her. katie is cool. the idea of quitting would seem much more appealing to me if it wasn't for her. and, i mean, it's encouraging because it makes me think, "if she can put up with them, then i can too, right? somehow she does it, so it's not impossible."