ha

haha i got my period last night. i guess all day yesterday (for the 'estranged' blog) i was PMSing.

'shameless' fights

artists i wanted myself to remember (whose work i saw at the barnes foundation)

Odalisque, glackens, noirmoutiers, corot, denis, priebe, prendergast, Hieronymous bosch, christ mocked Hans von kulmbach, chardin, baldung Ming, lancret, canaletto, micheli 

january 31

Guys only like you when you're juggling. They like girls that can be circus  performers. Theres been other things on my mind that i wanted to say. On craigslist i found a help wanted ad that said "female 
bartenders wanted!" then under the details it said "attractive female bartenders needed for new gentlemens club. No experience 
necessary. Please respond with photos and contact information." so i did so. We'll see what happens. Maybe nothing will. I 
responded a couple days after the ad was put up so maybe they already got enough people that responded before i did. .....it recently 
occured to me that maybe my problem has been that i've been putting tattoo bomber on my resume that i've been emailing to potential 
employers.  I guess i just was figuring that it looks Cool that i worked at a tattoo place and i didnt actually put their number there 
or anything so people aren't going to call there, they're just going to see the business name 'tattoo bomber' there and it looks 
cool. But what if people have been looking up tattoo bomber online and finding out the number and calling it? Or, what if they just 
don't think it looks that great that i worked at a tattoo place and they don't see the relevance of it? I guess they wouldn't see 
the relevance because there isn't any because i've been mostly applying to food places.  Or what if people are less likely to 
consider hiring someone that they think is likely to be all covered in tattoos? 

i was watching the show 'shameless' last night. One couple on there, veronica  and i don't know the guy's name (he's the bartender at the bar that the dad of the show always goes to), well they were fighting. 
They were fighting about money or something. The guy was yelling in the girl's face all angry about something. Then suddenly he had 
to go somewhere, work i think, but he still had the same angry tone of voice but he said 'i love you' and kissed her and walked out. 
She just stared after him and said 'fuckin' freak.'  haha i just got a kick out of that. 

lately

El Greco I think?
Corot
Cezanne
Glackens
Glackens
Monet

Harry and his troll
think he wants his belly rubbed?
the cat that's been coming here to annoy our cats

Darth Ben

Peter :)

me & Kizzy, the horse that Alyssa's been working with

estranged

what a pointless day.

if getting laid has positive health effects then there's definitely negative ones when it stops happening. ....not that it's only about the sex. if it was only about the sex then i would go and have it with someone else (someone who's been making himself very available to me and being very clear and forthright about it) instead of just being bummed out about this guy. ....not that i should be making such a big deal about it. should i? it's not like i know for a fact that he doesn't want to see me again; i just know he didn't answer his phone the other night and didn't return the call either.

last night i had a dream about a goldfish getting stuck in my eyeball. it got in through the pupil somehow. it just jumped really hard out of the water and right at my face, hit my eyeball and instead of bouncing off it and falling back into the water, actually squeezed its body into my eyeball through the pupil. i was very worried about it suffocating in there. i kept trying again and again to squeeze it back out, to no avail. i was still trying when i woke up.

last night dad wanted to watch 'inception' with me. he and i and mom all started to watch it. it just didn't seem to be grabbing me. i really just wanted to be left alone to sulk about friday night turning out so lame and about jason not calling me back. did i ever actually really explain that? thursday i texted him telling him i would be in town friday night to hang out with some people and asked him if he wanted to come. he said he still didn't know yet and to call him when i was in town. i did. he didn't answer.

wouldn't it really suck if it turned out that he actually reads this blog and knows that it's me and that's why he's blowing me off (cuz it creeps him out that i write about him)? haha. it really would. that seems pretty unlikely though.

so today i went out to go apply for jobs at Rita's and Dunkin Donuts. i was going to go to Rita's first. i got partway there and realized i didn't really want to be working at Rita's or Dunkin Donuts. i turned around and went back home. i sat in the driveway for awhile and then thought "hey i haven't seen those people at the grooming salon in a long time, i should go see them just to say what's up." so i drove there and then they were closed. turns out they're closed on sundays. i guess i must have known that before but forgot. so then i came back home. on the drive back i thought of talking to sara c. i wanted to call her but then what would i tell her about friday night? i had told her i would be in town that night and asked if she wanted to hang out and she said maybe i think and to call her when i was in town. i ended up not calling her. would she be pissed off about that? and why didn't i call her? i guess maybe because i figured she usually doesn't stay up late and she had work the next day. or maybe.... i just didn't think of her. or i just had already decided that the night was turning out to be lame because caitlin couldn't stay up very late and megan and lindsay ended up not coming out to hang out and jason never called me back and tug was just hanging out at this college kid party full of 18- and 19-year-old kids and i felt out of place there and nothing was going to make the night better, not even sara, so i didn't call her.

anyway what was i talking about? i was on my way home today in the car. i felt pretty down. i wanted to talk to someone. i thought of calling sara but then i didn't because i thought she might be pissed off that i didn't call her on friday night when i was in town. i called darya. she didn't answer. i called tim brown to see if he still wanted me to tattoo him. i got a recorded message that said 'this phone number is temporarily out of service.' i got home and i had nothing else to do so i just went upstairs and laid down in bed and drifted in and out of sleep for the rest of the day.

the other night tom told me the story of how his dad died. he told me more things about his estranged brother too.

25 price

sooo what's new?

an orange cat that has thumbs has been coming to our property to harass and irritate our cats.

buffy still just always stays in the chicken coop and she's always hiding behind the barrel of chicken feed.

we've had huge snow storms that have buried everything. it was a pain in the ass to get all the snow off the top of the cars and mom said it had to be done because there's a 1500 dollar fine for driving around with snow on your car like that.

tom says he and sandy and going to sedona arizona in april.

peter called me 'mama' the other day. he's done it before but he corrected himself before. this time he didn't. he just continued with what he was saying.

harry growled at strangers for the first time ever. i wasn't there to witness it but mom said it happened when two guys came to drop off the tanning bed that mom bought online.

denise was talking to me last night about teaching me how to do touch-ups in photoshop. i don't know if she was serious or not. i kind of wish i knew photoshop. i would have an art job by now if i did i think. was she serious about showing me some things?

vinny's teeth keep needing trimming.

i keep looking chubby every time i look in the mirror and it's because i gained weight because i can't afford my wellbutrin anymore which is the drug i take that cancels out the increased-appetite-effect of zoloft.

i was in west chester last night. i saw caitlin k. and tug. tug took me to some college kid party at 25 price street. i felt out of place and i left. later sean m. texted me and told me he'd been at that same party. when i originally made plans to drive out to west chester last night i thought that maybe megan m. and lindsay s. were going to be at caitlin's house too. i thought maybe even jason l. would come. he told me to call him once i got into town. he told me that two days ago when i said in text 'i'll be in town tomorrow night.' anyway i called him and he didn't answer the phone. last night was kind of lame. why am i sitting here writing about it? i think i'm gonna go into newtown and look for a job.

invincible

will this hickie still be here two nights from now for me to show off to my friends?

haha. it seems silly, but i'm just excited. i'm excited that it's there. i'm excited that it happened. i'm excited that it happened from someone worthy. it happened from someone who doesn't have a macho man complex, and someone who's the right age (a couple years older than me, as opposed to 4.5 years younger than me, which was my last mistake).

and, i mean, it's the first time in four months that i've gotten laid. they say having a sex life is good for you. you're less likely to overeat, you have more energy, you're happier, you get work done more efficiently....

....i have been having less food cravings. it might be an effect of the L though. i did a pretty kick-ass tattoo the day after it happened (one of my best ones yet, i'd say). i've been inspired. i've been getting things done. last night at the gym on the treadmill i ran 4.5 miles in 35 or 40 minutes. then after i got home i went for a walk for maybe 20 minutes. that was because at the gym on TV Obama was giving the State of the Union speech so my mind was still focused on seriousness for my whole workout and didn't have the chance to wander (like it usually does when i work out) so that's why i felt the need to go for a walk afterwards. oh also after i was all hot and sweaty from the gym i stepped outside and it didn't feel as brutally cold as it would have if i wasn't all hot and sweaty. it didn't feel that cold. it felt bearable. i was providing my warmth. i was pretty close to being invincible.

the lobster issue

hahahahahaha

harry & baby jaguar

oh yeah

done by yours truly

june 2009

ha this was a couple years ago... or a year and a half ago. i just found it

jason

"i'm already done but i'm ready for some more. what do you want. tell me what you want."

harry in the snow

harry & vinny

alyssa & kizzy

sledding more

sledding

tommy pitera and other topics

something i wrote in november

be a housecat, or be an alleycat? ...i don't like always eating sick dirty mice but i don't like never feeling challenged either. maybe i'll just be a house cat for a while but lay off the local healthy neighborhood mice, give them a chance to procreate and populate; then eventually they will spread to the alleyways. healthy mice will run in overabundance. with all them around it won't be cool to eat sick mice anymore. those alleycats will see what jerks they were, calling me a wuss for not wanting to eat sick mice.

jan 4

keep thinking of things.

while i was jogging.... i thought of an imaginary world where me and Jason L. were famous for something or other and we were being interviewed by someone for something, like for the E! channel or something. we were being interviewed about our lives and how we met. oh, and in this world we were a couple. the interviewer was asking me about how jason and i first met, and when and how and why did i first realize i liked him? i had so much fun thinking of how i would answer that question. ...my head goes to places like this when i jog.

the whole thing with my family breaking up with the taskers. well it's good and bad. i mean it's sad obviously but i keep thinking of the time when alana went up to darya and said "jace hit me with the flashlight!" and she said "you need to be careful around your brother. you know how hyper he gets. that's why i gave the flashlight to you and not him." i've been judging her parenting methods now and then ever since then. jace is hyper. ok. so that means there's not any consequences to him hurting people? he can just go around and do whatever the fuck he wants with no consequences? sometime it'll be more like "jace shot me in the kneecap and now i can't walk!" and darya saying "well you know how hyper he gets with that BB gun, that's why i gave it to you not him. you should find a better hiding spot for it. why don't you saw a secret trap door into the floor in your closet? oh, what? you haven't done that by now? what the hell's wrong with you? here's the saw. get started. ....and don't let your brother have it, you know how hyper he gets he might maim you. and i don't want to hear a word about it if he does!"

jan 7

mom says you can't mess around with nana anymore. we were in the car on the way to her house to visit her and nana called my mom's cell phone and she said something i couldn't hear and then mom said "oh, did you think we were coming today?" then there was a pause and a chuckle and mom said "we're on the turnpike." then there was a bit more talking then they hung up. after mom got off the phone she said "well you really can't mess around with nana anymore. i said 'did you think we were coming today?' and she just said 'oh now when was it?'. then i said 'we're on the turnpike' and she said 'oh so it was today!!'."

there are several songs that i would always rather hear played by kat than by their original singers, and i can't ever help but think that when those certain songs come on the radio. there's this one oasis song "so sally can wait" (i don't know if that's the real title) and this one avril lavigne song "complicated" and of course there's paramore songs too.

jan 11

so last night i had some really scary dreams. i dreamt my old boss shy turned out to be a murderer. he killed a friend of mine and tried to kill me but i got away. then in my dream it was the next day, and i didn't even remember anything about it until i looked at my phone and saw/remembered that somehow i had gotten pictures of him killing her. they were really really gross and gory and horrifying. i knew i should take the pictures to the cops and tell them everything i knew but i was afraid of shy getting away from them and then killing me if i did that.

....it's because of reading about tommy pitera yesterday. he's a famous mob guy from the 90's who had a book written about him called "the butcher." he was supposedly not a serial killer but a mob guy (cuz apparently you can't be both at the same time?) but yet he had the blood lust and killing addiction of a serial killer. ...sometimes i get semi-fascinated by these kinds of stories and read up about them or watch movies/documentaries about them even though i know it's likely going to give me bad dreams. then, inevitably, it gives me bad dreams and then i don't read about stuff like that again for a long time. .....oh you know what it was that really shocked me about tommy pitera? when i was reading about him and then the paragraph said something referring to "his wife." that just floored me. i was thinking "what? his wife! someone married him? someone MARRIED someone like that?!!!!" .....so maybe that's why i dreamt of shy being a killer. he's married (or separated or whatever he is now; i saw on facebook that kelley changed her status from 'married' to 'single').

jan 12

aw man. i was just overcome with this overwhelming feeling of missing tiffany. this overwhelming feeling of.... haha well i told this story about tiffany to darya the other night. for a while i was kind of suspecting she had a crush on me. she even got drunk with me one night and told me she needed a "pussy sandwich." ....i've always found her to be stunningly attractive. i would hit that in an instant. thing is.... yea when i was just first getting to know her this one day we were in the tattoo shop (which always had a bunch of books in it filled with pictures of tattoos on people in all kinds of different places on them) and she was looking at this one tattoo book and i heard her say "well that's the grossest lookin' puss i've ever seen." i was instantly curious to see. i looked at it. i didn't find it really remarkable or worth commentary in either direction. i said "what about it?" she said, ".....the roast beef factor, the curtain factor...." so anyway ever since then i've just been thinking "ok so she doesn't like when they're big? oh... ok. i guess i shouldn't ever really consider pursuing her then." and that's exactly what i was thinking the night she told me she needed a "pussy sandwich": "but what if she doesn't like mine?" ...thus i was always too afraid to pursue her. plus there's the fact that she does have a boyfriend (who i'm not attracted to by the way). ...she showed other signs of liking me. this one time on a slow day at work i was talking on the phone to my best friend sara from west chester. i guess i was taking a long time on the phone, and i was overheard expressing how much i missed her or something. by the time i was done on the phone several of my coworkers were curious. "liz do you have a boyfriend?" they said. i just laughed and said "no that was my best friend sara." and the look that tiffany gave me must have translated into something like "how could you??" ohh, that look. that terrible accusatory look.

so last night i started thinking about the fact that i've only really had big crushes on a couple girls.... kat and tiffany. well there was alyssa too but in my mind she goes under the 'friend' category now. i also sort of liked that girl amanda before but i didn't really ever get very many chances to talk to her. and of course there was kelley but she seemed not to be exactly what/who i thought she was after i got to know her more. anyway, only two really big long-lasting girl crushes. it got me thinking about what exactly attracts me to a girl. ...i like girls with attitudes. haha i don't know exactly why i just like when they're bitchy and maybe a little bossy. it makes me wanna be like "come here you badass bitch, show me how bad you can be." hahahahahahaha. feels so weird admitting that.

you know the pain-in-the-ass thing about bisexuality? well when you're straight you can talk to so many of your female friends about whatever crushes you may have, but when you're bisexual... you have to hesitate a little more. you get a little afraid of potentially making one of your friends jealous, or making one of your friends think "if she's into girls then why isn't she into me?!" you know?

before i forget--

mom: "it's time to get ready to go to your art class."

ben: "but i don't know how to art!"

ben: "i want some parmesan cheese." (dad gives him a handful and he throws it in a bowl of water [trying to invent a recipe])

peter: "i want some parmesan cheese."

dad: "that's it. that's enough. it's not for wasting."

peter: "i'm not gonna waste it. i'm not benjamin, i'm peter."

among things i never thought i would hear myself saying: "hey! it's time to stop doing that with your penis and sit down on the couch or else you're not gonna get any stories and it's bedtime."

"yes, that is his sister covered in glitter in the background. and, 'a couch?' you ask. yes, that is my couch also covered in glitter, 'the herpes of crafting supplies.' " --charlotte, sh*t my kids ruined

none

1 giant leap, the way you dream. The xx. Black cherry, goldfrapp. Babylon  unwound, thievery.

Dec 26
Periods of time go by where theres a pattern of me getting away with doing  (inconsequential little) things that i shouldn't be doing, and then i start inadvertently gradually living more and more by the 
motto "what people dont know cant hurt them." then something always happens sooner or later, like me being caught doing something 
wrong, that makes me automatically start living in my old mindset: "people have ways of finding things out."  After a while of not 
gettin caught doing wrong things Its really hard not to start living by that mentality "what ppl dont know wont 
hurt them." its esp hard not to start doing that being, like, someone like me. Theres already so many things about me that no one 
knows, never have and probably never will. Theyre just things that no one would care about because its not things that have any 
effect on anyone else but me. Theres just so many things like that tho. Its hard not to let the "mentality" not only hover over 
those inconsequential facts but also sometimes to slip over the threshold into and over the realms of the (definitely and 
possibly) consequential-to-other-ppl facts.  I mean seriously tho who is it going to affect if i give the chickens eggs? 
Theyre going to get a taste for eggs and start eating their own eggs? THEY ARE NOT LAYING ANY EGGS ANYWAY.

Ben's been saying "bungled up" when he means "bundled up." haha

My pop-pop, man. If your at his house and if u ever wanna stop drinking before  he stops drinking, if u ever refuse the offer of "another drink," he looks at u like "what the flyin' fuck is wrong with you? Are 
you whacked?"  

Dec 31
Woke up today with my face all swollen. Vinny has a limp. Something's wrong with  his back left leg. We had to clip his teeth two 
days ago. Yesterday morning ben tried waking me up by bouncing up & down on me 
with his butt and yelling "wake up." i responded by 
roughly elbowing him off me and pushing him over. He whimpered like i'd hurt 
him, and ran out of the room. In the next minute he & 
mom were in the room and she looked to be soothing him like how she does when 
he's gotten hurt. She was saying "you have to do it 
nicely." i got up then. The rest of the day i felt guilty for hurting him. 
Several times i was on the verge of apologizing but then 
remembered him bouncing up & down on me with his butt.

A prostitute walks up to an Italian guy, says $40, anything you want i'll do  anything you want. So they go at it, the guy has a 
good time, he pays her the money and all. A prostitute goes up to a Polish guy, 
says $40 bucks, whatever you want, i'll do anything 
you want. So they go at it for a while he has fun with her he pays her the money 
and all. A prostitute goes up to a Jewish guy, 
says $40, whatever you want, i'll do whatever you want, and the guy says "go 
paint my house."  

Ok so the other night on the phone Jason L. said something to me like this:  ok so i wasnt even really gonna bring this up but over the holidays me & my girlfriend broke up and she moved out so ive just been 
here like with no one else around and just like tryin to think of ppl i like to hang out with and i thought of you and i was 
like "yeah! Liz! I always liked hangin out with her, she's fun." and then i heard on the radio something about the barnes foundation 
and thought "hey yea i should go to that with her, that seems like something she'd be into." and then there was like a pause and he 
said something like "so that should puff up your ego a bit there." i was high then. I think i just like laughed and said 
something like, "heh heh. Sweet. ....oh wait, was that Something i was supposed to say thank you to? Cuz, i don't always catch on, at 
those momeents when i'm supposed to say thank you for something, i'm gonna apologize in advance i don't always catch on." and he 
laughed and was like "you dont have to, it'd be funny if you did." then at 
that moment i thought "oh maybe he's nervous or uncomfortable cuz he just expressed feelings about me. Maybe he feels vulnerable 
or exposed. Maybe i should change the subject to make it less awkward." then i told him about how my pop-pop doesnt like anyone 
to stop drinking before he does, and told him about the funny way he reacts if you ever say "no thank you" to the offer of another 
drink. And i laughed but he didn't, he was just sort of silent, and i was like "ok i guess thats not as funny as i thought it was" 
and he was like "no its funny" and i was like "yea you really sound like you think its funny!" And then he laughed more and then we went on to talk about other things. Towards 
the end of the conversation we confirmed that we were going to the barnes foundation and all and then we hung up. It didnt occur 
to me til later that maybe after he told me he liked to spend time with me, maybe he wanted me to tell him i liked spending 
time with him too.