12/21/11

i think there's a difference between giving up and thinking to oneself "hey this career path entails more than i signed up for and it doesnt really seem worth it and my talents would be better executed elsewhere." this whole time trying to be a tattooist it's honestly felt like an uphill battle. plus i can't do good artwork if the whole time i have to listen to someone moaning and groaning in pain BECAUSE of me doing that artwork. therefore i can't feel like i'm giving a tattoo with love therefore i can't do it well oftentimes. also there's the fact that as a tattooist you're expected to be a socialite and slut and party animal and all this stupid other shit is expected of you and you might ask "why did none of this occur to you for the past four years?" and that's because of my stubborn streak i guess, and the fact that i was "fired" from my first apprenticeship by a male chauvinist asshole and told that tattooing wasn't for me so, predictably, that just made me want to tattoo even more and made me want to prove him wrong. but why pursue a whole career just to prove one asshole wrong? ...i have this horse farm job and someone wants me to illustrate a book she's writing, and i've already illustrated one and i'm doing a cartoon with someone else. none of that sounds as sexy and badass as being a tattoo artist but i'm ready to just stop being in denial of the fact that i'm not badass at all. not one bit.

"this is a good cold one"

the boys have been putting dead batteries back in the fridge because they think if they get cold again then they're renewed again. for a while, before she figured it out, mom had to just be confused about why sometimes new batteries would work and sometimes they wouldn't.

for about a month, from september to october, i was seeing this guy alex. i was very happy and excited about him. it started to feel like we were together, even though we'd never actually had a verbal agreement that we were. then, abruptly, he went back to his ex, mackenzie. ....even though i had been so gaga over him, for some reason getting over him happened a lot quicker and easier than i thought it would. that was also the first time i was ever dumped (for lack of a better word) without crying about it. maybe over the years i've become more callous. i don't know.

tori and i aren't friends anymore. a situation happened--the put the story in a nutshell--where i was supposed to lie for her and i didn't. as soon as i said what i said to betray her i regretted it. i'd been put on the spot, made to feel bad for someone, and promised that tori wouldn't be informed that i'd said anything. of course, that promise was broken, she was informed and she was ripping pissed, heartbroken, hurt, disillusioned. i tried apologizing so many times in so many ways. i tried explaining the situation. i tried explaining how bad i can be at keeping secrets. i tried to get her to aim her blame at the person who was the other link. i tried defending myself. i tried analyzing and re-analyzing the situation to come up with more and more possible explanations for my behavior. i tried telling her i would do anything to make it up to her. i tried everything. she is not my friend anymore.

while i was betraying her i acquired a new fuck buddy, joe. i had met him through her. he is best friends with the guy (or one of the guys) that she's getting with, frank. for a few days i stayed in denial and told myself that having a new fuck buddy would make me happy enough to be able to forget about tori. i tried to tell myself he was worth it. then, of course, as with all phases of being in denial, it came to an end and i realized how empty my life is without her. joe will never fill that void and i'm always going to feel like a bad person and traitorous friend. last night joe and i were supposed to hang out, then at the last minute i told him i was too sad about tori and i wouldn't be able to. for some reason that just made him want to hang out with me even more. with some persistence and effort he persuaded me to let him come over, and for a period of time he did manage to make me forget about tori and have a good time with him.

i think as long as i live i'll still be trying to figure out how important people are to each other, and when and how often and in what ways and what different contexts. as long as i live i'll be trying to understand relationships (in the broad sense of the word).

i don't have that new apprenticeship anymore. ...the other night i was out drinking with my coworkers and i playfully tried to snatch my boss's lighter from him. he then tried to set my sweatshirt sleeve on fire. consequently i snatched my arm away and punched him in the head. he then grabbed me by the hair and pulled me closer to him, fixing me with an evil stare. he waited until there was fear in my eyes and i was leaning away from him with all my weight, trying to yank my hair out of his grip. then he let go and i fell on the floor. at that point i still didn't know whether to think we were just playing or whether he was really pissed off. then he started to yell at me and i knew he was really pissed off.

"think about what you do before you fuckin' do it!" he was yelling. "you can't fuckin' lay a hand on me! you punched me in the head!"

"you tried to light me on fire," i said.

"oh, i'll do way worse than that." then i left.

the next day i got all my equipment out of his shop. for some reason the lights were off but the door was unlocked. i thought that maybe, if anything, he was expecting me to quit and that was why the lights were off but the door was unlocked: to send the message that i could get all my stuff out without any confrontation. i thought that pat (who lives upstairs) was probably upstairs the whole time, aware of my presence (from having seen my car out the window) and aware of what i was doing.

i thought wrong. the next day i got a text from my other boss, grimy.

"did u climb in a window to get ur shit out?"

"no, the door was unlocked," i said.

"so i guess u quit"

"yeah"

"u think that's cool? to break in the shop take ur shit and bounce. no explanation or anything. like why would u do that especially if u know we know every tattoo artist and shop from here to west virginia"

"i didnt break in, it was open. its not normal for me to feel the desire to punch anyone. somehow you and pat are the only ones with the power to bring that desire to me which is why i can't work with u"

"liz are u that dumb? just because something is open doesn't mean u can walk in. if u guys leave ur door open i could just walk in ur house at four in the morning. it's called a B&E."

"ok so whats ur point? y do u care? i only took my stuff"

"the open sign was broke and the piercing sign was broke that's why i asked if u came in through the windows"

"weird"

"its just stupid that u couldn't be professional about it"

"i thought if anything pat was expecting me to quit. i thought that was why the lights were off but the door was open, to send the msg that i could get my stuff out w/o any confrontation. i mean what does he expect me to do? he tried to light me on fire. ...i really thought he must have been upstairs the whole time."

"no we weren't here at all why would he close the shop for a day just so u could get ur shit? and he didn't try lighting u on fire! he wasn't even close to u with the lighter. there was four witnesses other then me and katie."

"i dont wanna fight with you. u and pat just have an intense energy that i can't deal with. call me a pussy, call me what u will. i just can't deal w it"

"ok." and that was that.

mom wants us to open our own tattoo place. she has wanted this for years. for years i always said, "no, i'm not ready, i still need to learn more. plus i don't like to tell people what to do; i'd rather be an employee than an employer. i don't want my own place, i just want to work under someone." now, however, this idea of hers seems more appealing than ever. she and dad take care of the business aspect of it. they talk to the landlord, they get business insurance, they start the corporation, they talk to the township about zoning, they do the taxes or get the accountant or whatever. i take care of the tattooing. that's my job. that's all i want. i just want to be tattooing. i don't want to be trying to fit in with other already-established tattoo people. i don't want to be trying to make friends with trash and convicts and criminals and people that are going to give me panic attacks every other weekend. i don't want to do all that bullshit. i just want to be tattooing, plain and simple.

americans

you can't approve of someone but disapprove of the things they do. you can't love someone but hate the things they do.

i used to get so excited over christmas. over the years though, more and more lately, it just seems more and more to me like it's just a bunch of people celebrating consumerism. celebrating consumerism and teaching our kids to celebrate consumerism and materialism. they strive to "be good" so they can "get more toys." ...then again it is only once a year.

this one year when i was little i hand-made a christmas card for every reindeer, santa claus and mrs. claus. ...later on i was soooooooo pissed when i found out santa isn't real. i wanted to say to my mom, "you let me do all that fuckin' work for NOTHING, bitch?!"

"i wanna meet the monkeys that made us," is what peter said a few days after i tried to explain evolution to him. ...did i already write about that? i can't remember. i figured i'd put it down just in case.

"We've created a fake world obsessed with fake things and now, as it begins to crumble and fall apart we're realizing--we must go back to the earth." --my friend Lindsay

lately i've been wondering more and more...how do i put it? all these things going on in the world, the stuff going on with wall street, the indefinite suspension of habeus corpus, the recession, the fact that china is buying property in our national parks....all these seemingly preposterous and rage-enducing goings-on in the world that my facebook friends post links about on their walls....i've just been wondering how serious it all is in the grand scheme of things. i've been wondering if i would still think the nation is in a highly serious and compromised condition/position if i were alive during either world war, the civil war, the vietnam war, the great depression or anything like that.

the other day i learned that one out of ever four people in jail in the world are americans.