putting ancient info into words

mom: "so, what, you just ignored them for the last hour and a half and let them spread lucky charms all over ben's room and put tupperware in his room?"

me: "i saw that he brought tupperware upstairs; i just thought 'ok next time i need tupperware i'll just go upstairs and get it.' and they got cereal all over their room earlier today; i made them vacuum it."

mom: "i'm just so sick of his [Dad's] shit, him getting upset over every fucking goddamn-ass little thing."

--later--

mom (to dad):"who gives a flying goddamn-ass fuck? i could rip my heart out of my own chest with my own hand."

hmmmm. should i worry? last time they fought, last week, mom started telling dad to get all his stuff out of their room. they made up though. what if they don't this time?

last night was the first night of the year that there was a toad hopping outside. today was the first day of the year that i was overcome with how much of the color green was all around me as i walked up the driveway to take the trash cans up. the other day was the first day of the year that there were dandelions blooming all over the whole yard. the other night was the first night of the year that it was comfortable to wear a tank top outside at night.

i was thinking about dopie off and on the last couple months or weeks, wondering if i might have missed or overlooked or underappreciated him or a chance with him or something like that.

yesterday i finally figured out the reason why i've always been at least semi-hesitant to pursue him: he seems to care too much about projecting a certain image to people. he thinks too much about what he looks like.

i've figured something else out recently. no, i haven't figured it out, it's just that i finally put it into words in my head and therefore am finally capable of speaking, writing or typing those words. it's almost like some kind of channel has been opened or something. i'm on a roll figuring out how to put things in words, things i've known for a long time. i can't tell if they are things worth saying or things that have any value to anyone whatsoever, but i'm having fun putting these thoughts in words, these thoughts that have been in my head for years but that i never put into words before.

so something i figured out/put into words/remembered recently is the fact that i need there to be some times in my life when no one in the world knows where i am, no one except for me. in order to feel totally free that's just what i need. i guess that's why i came up with what i called "sneaking time" when i was little and i would get up in the middle of the night when everyone else was in bed. i wouldn't do anything special really, just eat or drink something or watch tv or read a book or write in my journal or go walking outside or spy on people as they slept. it was just knowing that i was the only one awake, the only one in the house/family. it was a nice feeling.

sometimes i have dreams of being trapped in tim's house.

the other day i flushed a stink bug down the toilet and then instantly regretted it. they do no harm to us. they were imported from japan or china. they have no natural predator here so they over-populated. it's not their fault. that night i had this dream that there was this creepy bug and i started to squish and kill it and then as i did, it turned into a beautiful exotic-looking bug, the kind of bug that's so valuable and rare and precious that no-one looking at it would want to squish it. but i had already started to and having started and then stopped, i hadn't killed it but injured it. one of its body segments was sort of half-stuck onto the surface of the table. the bug couldn't move as well anymore. it would never be the same again.

denise told me about her trip to india and how excruciating it was and the worst part of it was that she never got any time to be by herself. she eventually started lying to the people running her group (of travellers/observers). she would start to say she didn't feel good and had to lay down in bed. that was the ONLY way she could ever get any peace or quiet or time to herself. it reminded me that i did almost the same thing on my europe trip. i took one day. one day out of the ten days. one day out of ten i stayed in the hotel and relaxed instead of going with my group all over the city to see all different museums and architecture. it wasn't just that i needed to relax and be alone, it was also that i was starting to feel a little bit of a cold coming on. you know how sometimes you can catch it in time and just rest all day the day after the night you feel it and then that way you can stop it in time and you won't get a cold? well that's what i did. it's a good thing i did too. that was one of the best days of the whole trip. it absolutely was. i also keep thinking of the time that my art history teacher/group leader, months after the fact, changed my grade on a whim (for the trip/journal) from an F to an A. it was in her office when she was talking to me about how to become an art history professor because i had expressed interest in it. ....yeah i guess i just wouldn't have ever graduated when i did if i didn't happen to have that little discussion with her in her office that day.

oh here's something else i can put into words now: it's the reason that i talk slow. before i say every word or sentence, i think of all the different ways that the sentence i'm trying to say can be structured and i'm thinking of all the different words i could use for whatever idea or thing i'm trying to explain

"it's the reason that i talk slow"

"it's the reason that i talk slowly"

"it's the reason i talk slow"

"it's the reason i talk slowly"

"it's the reason for the fact that i talk slow"

"it's the reason for the fact that i talk slowly"

"it's the reasoning behind the fact that i talk slow"

"it's the reasoning behind the fact that i talk slowly"

"it's the reason behind me talking slowly"

"it's the story behind me talking slowly"

"it's the reason i don't speak very fast"

"it's the reason that i don't speak very fast"

"it's the reason i don't talk very fast"

"it's the reason i don't talk that fast"

"it's the reason i don't talk very quickly"

"it's the reason i'm not a very quick talker"

"it's the reason i'm not a really quick talker"

"it's the reason i'm not a very fast talker

"it's the reason i'm not a really fast talker

"it's the reason that i'm not a very quick talker"

"it's the reason that i'm not a really quick talker"

"it's the reason that i'm not a very fast talker"

"it's the reason that i'm not a really fast talker"

"it's the reasoning behind me not talking that fast"

"it's the reasoning behind me not speaking that fast"

"it's the reasoning behind me not talking that quickly"

"it's the reasoning behind me not speaking that quickly"

"it's the reason i don't talk a mile a minute, it's usually the opposite"

......and so on.

every time i'm trying to formulate these sentences i'm trying to say as i'm speaking or attempting to think and speak at the same time, i'm making these big huge decisions.

similarities

when painting, mixing the colors is half the battle. When making hemp jewelery,  cutting the cords at the right length is half the battle. When sculpting, getting the armature right is half the battle. 

So Lan tells me about all the ways his OCD affects him, and i want to tell him  all the ways i'm affected by whatever i have...not OCD but something with sometimes similar effects. Its motivated me to finally 
put into words something that ive always thought about off and on my whole life but never usually talk about. Ok, whats an 
example? Even numbers. I always favor even numbers over odd numbers. It bothers me if one window in the car is rolled further down than 
the other...but not as much if someone else rolled one of the windows down. When im running on the treadmill for a certain number 
of minutes, i have to have jogged for an even number of minutes, or a number that ends in five. Theres other things. I know there 
are, i just cant think of them right now. It usually bothers me to leave things unfinished. Like when i was around ten or 
so, and for several years onward, i remember being in the mentality of being uncomfortable with never finishing any books i ever 
started.  I remember i'd be reading a book and thinking, "hmm. Im just testing this book out right now seeing if i like it 
seeing what i think of it w/e. I should have a designated number of pages, and beyond that number, if i go beyond that page 
number that means this is a book i have to finish someday not a book im just testing out. That way (there being a designated page 
number), i can be assured that i've given equal chances to each and every book i ever read. I have not been Biased or prejudiced in any way. I've been as objective as i possibly could be 
when selecting what books permanently go on my list of books that i must someday remember to read all the way through. At some point 
in my life, at anywhere between age 10 and my early teens, i realized i had to let go of that list. Otherwise i would never be 
free to enjoy the pleasures of casually browsing shelves of libraries and bookstores, without being afraid to have to add another 
book onto my list which was already getting distressingly long.

apr 4

well i think i figured out why there havent been many people in the world with asperger syndrome until semi-recently--when there's been like a big boom in modern medicine--it's because we don't have enough of a sense of danger, or enough common sense. back in the day most of us just prob got killed off at early ages. ...this'll be the second time in 6 yrs that i need antibiotics cuz of a cat bite.

apr 1

Well i'm here in the car on the way back home from north carolina now. Theres  still maybe like three hours left till we get there. What to say about the trip? It was just kinda blah up until the last two nights 

we were there--last night and the night before. Two nights ago was mom's birthday and she and dad went out walking and went on the 

pier thats right outside the condo we were staying in. Theres this building thats sort of attached to the pier. Up until two nights
ago we all just thought it was another building with condos in it. Mom & dad discovered theres actually a bar in there. They 

partied in there for a while and made some new friends. After a couple hours of that, mom called me and i went over there to 

drink too and dad went back to the condo So someone would be there with the boys. So me & mom i guess sort of made 

friends with these people ashley and brian, and they said "hey tomorrow night u guys should come to 'the sea witch' for karaoke night" and 

so we went that night (last night). Mom sang two janis joplin songs. I sang a blink 182 song and a lily allen song. We met 

several new people including this caribbean guy named peppermint and his so-called agent named 'paper london' even tho he said his 

real name was anthony. Then i ended up meeting this guy named danny. How can i even describe him? I can't quite put into words how 

fuckin hot and adorable and charming and sweet he was. The southern accent--or southern drawl, or whatever--just magnified it all. That night i felt like i was in a dream. This little beach town in north 

carolina seemed like some kind of fantasy land. It all just made me want to move to the south. But, you know, i say things like that 

sometimes--things that sound like big drastic life-changing decisions--and then later realize it was just an overreaction to a 

really good or bad experience. Anyway but danny ended up taking me back to his place, and back to his bed :) :) :) :) :) :) :) 

:) :) :). Anyway so yeah last night was fun. Also i learned a new song at the bar, a couple people sang 

it for karaoke night. It actually sounded just barely vaguely familiar but not enough to sing along to it but everyone in the 

bar--and i mean everyone--knew that song and was singing along to it. It was called "family tradition" by hank williams. 

Aw man what an awesome night. 

mar 27

Last night i had a lot of scary dreams. Scary dreams and disturbing dreams.  Still somehow i found it so hard to get out of bed before i'd had twelve hours of sleep. Haha. Over these past few days i think more and more about tori. She called me 

"babyyy" in text today. 

Ever since we've gotten to this vacation condo in north carolina i haven't had  the faintest desire to smoke a cigarette. I dont know exactly why. There were even ash trays in the condo here for people to use. 
I guess you're allowed to smoke here. Things smell funny in here. The towels smell perfumed. The tap water tastes funny. Dad got 
some kind of weird stomach ache today and diarrhea. It's not really sunnier or warmer here. It's overcast and rainy and windy. 
Within twenty minutes of Us being here we all heard some kind of big bang or explosion. We looked outside 
and the metal box on top of a telephone pole was flickering with electric-looking light. Mom said the moment that big bang 
happened was the same moment a toy missile she'd shot hit the door. For a split second she thought she caused it. The building across the 
street from ours had no power after that. After we all came back in from standing outside and observing that, the howling wind made 
the front door painfully slam on my hand. Rainy & cold weather. People on the beach last night waving around a confederate flag. 
Maybe i dont feel like smoking anymore cuz of mom saying to me "liz you can smoke in front of me, you don't have to keep hiding." 

re-living the other night

mar 26

"So darya told me you have aspergers." 

"She did, did she." 

"Yea its ok i have ocd its  pretty much almost the same thing. Well its similar. Do you really over-think things a lot?" 

(laughing) "yea." 

"Yea me too." 

"Oh sorry" (to dogs, accidentally stepped on a foot). 

"Stop it knock it off get outta here!" 

"What did they do?" 

"They're just too close. Buggin me." 

(to dogs) "well i think your cute!" 

"He was a present to my brother. He was so skinny before, u could see all his ribs." 

Gasp. 

"I wish i could take this outta here." 

"Here lemme get it. Sorry grandmother." 

"So my ex's mom got in a car accident. I'm kinda close to my ex's mom, she's like another mom to me. She got in a car accident my ex didnt even tell me i called her today And was like 'u could've told me' and she was like 'i was going to' and i was like 'well it happened hours ago.'

...so hows life treatin ya? Your family and brothers and all." 

"Uh theyre all good, i took the boys to their yoga class today blah blah blah." 

told a story about dad telling peter to look out the window of the car cuz he might see obama when we're in DC on the way down to north carolina, blah blah. Made him laugh. 

"Oh maybe i'm doing this slower cuz i'm trying to talk at the same time. Plus i took a hit before. Its making me think even slower."

"I dont care, you're thorough." 

"My buddies wanna throw you a tattoo party. Just dont take 6 hrs to do each one or it wont work." 

"See thats the thing, theres my problem, Its the slowness. I cant guarantee it wont take me that long. Maybe i shouldnt do a tattoo party." 

"Maybe not." 

"...so my ex, lana, she used to go to bloomsburg. I used to visit her there every damn weekend for years." 

he told me a story about going to a party there and getting kicked out/chased after for drinking all their beer. 

"Its a big frat & sorority school. Everyones in frats & sororities." 

I told him my cousin goes there, my cousin who i never get to see anymore and who i havent seen for years and who i only hear about through my nana. Last thing i heard about him was something about him gettin 

into new different kinds of drugs. He said 

"yea i can see that happening there. Everyone does drugs up there." 

Told me a story About how fast coke gets sold up there. Told me a story about being on coke and couldnt talk right, they were trying to talk and just sounding like a bunch of 

idiots and thats when he decided he was done w coke.being around a bunch of ppl on coke and how they ...I told him about salvia making my friend not able to talk right. He told me that 

ever since his breakup with lana his ocd has been so much worse. He told me he washes his hands & brushes his teeth so many times 

a day, puts his clothes on & off so many times, takes his socks off & on so many times, goes up & down the stairs so many times 

and turns the lights off & on so many times. Doesnt like the numbers 5,6, and 9. He won't put on his socks 5, 6, or 9 times. 

"How did u figure out it was ocd?" 

"Its genetic. My uncle has it really bad and my sister has it really bad." 

"Courtney?" 

"Yeah."

Then he told me about the fact that he's usually always in relationships and he's been 

in 3 serious relationships since he was 16. He likes having a companion. He wants a companion. 

"You dont meet many guys like that in college," i said. He said sometimes he has to picture his ex ex girlfriend in order to stop doing things over & over a bunch 

of times. He told me about his car accident 3 years ago. He told me about how much he 

works out. He told me he wants to join the marines someday. I eventually figured out that the script i was tracing was going to be 

too small and it wasnt going to work well as a tattoo. His printer/copier wasnt working right either so we couldnt just copy it
and make it bigger, and its not like there would be a staples store open that late at night either. I told him i would have to 

just get it enlarged another time, design the whole thing and all and just tattoo it on him next time i saw him. We were both kinda 

disappointed i guess. I took a moment to verbally beat myself up about having smoked pot before i went there. Soon after that i went home. Before that, tho, i told lan we should think of it 

like we did get something accomplished. We got the consultation accomplished. Usually thats how it is anyway, there's two stages to 

getting a tattoo: the initial consultation about it and then the actual sitting & getting it.