2/29

even the people in the world who are so rich and powerful and prestigious and looked up to, even those people have to work hard sometimes. sometimes to me that fact seems counter-intuitive. is there no point in someone's life when he/she has proven to the world that his/her brain is so powerful that he/she deserves to just sit back and never be bothered with anything for the rest of his/her life except maybe sometimes giving people advice about their lives? ...does no one in the world ever reach that point?

"fifty years ago you could get the sunday paper and there would be over a hundred pages of classified ads, help wanted ads. and practically all you had to do to keep a job was to show up. ...it was so easy to get a job back then." -tom

"i love nana. she's such a nice lady. i love going to her house. ...how did you two meet?" --peter (to mom)

"well, they're artists. those are the people who......those were the kids that got picked on in school for not paying attention." that's what tori's boss nancy said after seeing the music video for "little talks" by of monsters and men. we watched it all together and observed how trippy and wonderfully creative it was.

scored a job interview with payless but not an actual job as far as i can tell cuz i didn't get a call today. tori thinks i should call them tomorrow. i don't know what i think. maybe just not call and leave it at that. after all, answering all those questions on the application about how much of a people person i am, telling them the same thing in the interview, i felt like i was just lying my head off the whole time.

mom's been telling me she thinks i should apply for social security cuz now i'm eligible for it cuz i have a formal diagnosis and i'm technically 'disabled.' whenever she brings it up i just want to say 'fuck you, mom.' i don't, though, of course. and i know my hostility/defensiveness is irrational.

if a woman rapes a man and she gets pregnant, does he have to pay child support?

i took my tattoo equipment back from that guy a couple days after i gave it to him. i just thought, "on second thought.....no i should keep it just in case."

i had an awesome weekend. i saw tug and lindsay and mark and caitlin.

alex is supposedly dating lindsay now.

nancy apparently thinks i should go to the intergroom with her and tori in april. ...sometimes i wonder if she thinks i could be a groomer. i think i would love to be one.

caitlin thinks we can sell our cartoon to cartoon network.

lately i've been reminding myself of edith from ghost world.

tori's been needing me to pick her up from work these past few days.

"i wanna lick it off the knife like lizzy does." oops.

the other night i had dreams about mice attacking bats and latching onto their wings with their teeth.

"ramble on" by led zeppelin is about "lord of the rings."

caitlin's brother gordon was telling me the other night about how there's like some kind of formula, or rhythm, to comedy/jokes/sitcoms. it's like, one funny thing happens, then another funny thing happens, then a third funny thing happens that somehow combines the funniness from the first two things and is the funniest thing of all.

haha. he and caitlin dared me to pretend to be a bouncer and ask people for their IDs. haha.

...how many people do i know who have seen "the girl with the dragon tattoo," and did they learn anything from watching it? and can they tell lisbeth has asperger syndrome? they never actually say it in the movie.

2/24

how could i have stayed in denial for so long? i stayed in denial for four years. i do not like tattooing. i wanted to like tattooing. i thought it would make sense that i would be good at it because it's technically an art form, and i'm artistic. i wanted to like it because it's a cool job, but let's face it, i'm not a touchy-feely person. i'm simply not suited to a job that requires me to touch strangers all day.

so today tori and mike broke up again. i drove her from work to his house to get all her stuff out and take it to her dad's apartment. i dropped her back off at work. while i was there it occurred to me that i still have a bunch of tattooing equipment in my trunk that i'm probably never going to use again, and i was parked right outside of the tattoo place where i used to work because it's right next door to where tori works. i figured i should give the equipment to someone who will use it. i would've just gone in the tattoo place and said,

"could anyone use any of this stuff?" but if i did that, dopie might have thought i was just using that as an excuse to see him again. i didn't want that. i resolved to leave the box of equipment on the bench outside the tattoo place with a note. i put it there and walked back to the car, then thought,

"ok, that's kind of a creeper thing to do, isn't it? they're going to find it there and think, 'why didn't she just come in?' ...well, shit, now what do i do? go back there and pick up the box and bring it back to the car and look like a total weirdo (i might have been seen putting it there, i don't know)?" at that moment tori's boss nancy, who i know and am friends with, came outside to say something to someone she knew who was in a car next to mine or a couple cars down.

"nancy!" i said, and i caught up with her as she was walking back into the grooming salon. i explained the situation to her. i asked her to pick up the box of stuff that was on the bench in front of the tattoo place and hand it to me (in case anyone was looking out the window at the moment; only she would be seen and not me). she did so. i thanked her, took the box back to my car and left.

i ended up taking the box of stuff to another tattoo place that's relatively close--the place where i got the bird on my arm shaded in about a month ago. i dropped it off for the guy who did my arm and who i'm now facebook friends with.

2/22

was late to the victoria's secret interview and so just didn't go in.

had an interview at payless that i think went ok. they do a few interviews with someone before they hire them though. the second one is later today.

the woman from the animal rescue called me back. she said for the next couple months they'll probably need someone for "fill-in work," in other words someone who just fills in for people when they call out, in other words it won't be that often. that is, until the summer time, when it gets a lot busier. also at payless they told me at first i would be part time and then i could be full time later on as it gets busier. so....if everything goes well, i'm going to have two jobs soon. plus i still have to see how everything goes with trying to be a muralist.

also at payless they told me you can become a manager in less than a year and they make forty grand a year. so, if i don't make enough money to have an apartment by being a muralist and having the (entry level) payless job and the animal rescue job....then i can make enough by being a manager at payless (if i could do something like that).

we'll see how it goes.

2/20

haha. i was just thinking about my Nana telling me about "Bonzai Buddy" a few years ago. it was when she was first learning how to use computers and the internet, so it had to be at least ten years ago. some advertisement online persuaded her that she needed to download this "bonzai buddy" character, a little cartoon monkey that swings from one corner of your computer down to another and talks to you while you're on the computer, whatever you're doing.

hahaha she was relating to me the creeped-out feeling she got when, if she was ever using her computer at a later time than usual, the monkey would say to her (in words in a little cartoon speech bubble), "oh, you're up late, Maryann."

2/19

the other night, for some reason, i had a dream about a bunch of animals being dropped into a giant grinding-type machine, kind of like a wood-chipper, that chopped them up, ground up their body parts and mixed them all together. and i was forced to watch

2/18

"When a bear loves a bear it gives a slap." --Fun Fancy Free, Walt Disney

2/17

so Tori thinks it's "not realistic" that i'll ever be able to move out of here. we'll just see about that. i filled out at least like seven job applications in the last few days and gave a resume to four different people.

the place i least expected to get a call from, called me. victoria's secret. i remember filling out that application; they wanted to know of any type of rewards or certificates for anything i've ever attained in the last few years. i was honest. i put down that i became blood-borne-pathogen certified as a tattooist's apprentice. but then, just as i was finishing writing it, i thought, "maybe they meant that i should put down any certifications that are RELEVANT. maybe i shouldn't have put that down because it has nothing to do with selling lingerie. i can't scribble it out, though. that makes the application look bad. i can't ask for a new one--that shows that i'm careless and make mistakes." so, after the sentence about being blood pathogen certified, i put in parentheses, "i don't know how relevant that is though." then as soon as i wrote it i thought, "ok, that just makes it even worse. way to fuck up an application." then i just finished filling it out, handed it in and didn't expect that it was very likely i'd hear back from them.

well, the interview is monday.

and the owner of an animal rescue in chalfont said that she'll call me sometime soon. she made it sound like she wanted to hire me. people say things all the time though. people are a lot of talk. that's why i'm not going to back out of the victoria's secret interview. or am i? should i even attempt having a job that has anything to do with anything that's not art or animals? selling lingerie. selling lingerie. selling lingerie. hmmm. think think think. could i ever be good at that? possibly. not nearly as likely as being good at the job at the animal rescue place. but i'm still not positive she's going to call me AND i don't know what the pay is AND it's only going to be part time, at least up until summer time when it gets more busy.

i had this realization about tattooing. i'm only good at it if i'm doing it to people i know because i get nervous about touching strangers.

oh yeah, the other thing. sherri said she wanted me to do a painting of her dogs. she said she was going to give me pictures of them to work from. that was almost a week ago. i should check with her about that, see if she still wants it done, see if she has the pictures picked out that she wants me to use....

the other night i had a dream that i was erin from the office and i hooked up with jim. pam didn't mind cuz i hooked up with her too. towards the end of the dream, though, she was starting to feel some sort of animosity or jealousy or resentment and i could tell i was going to have to stop hooking up with jim.

i had to stop hooking up with joe because he has a girlfriend. who's pregnant.

what a loser. fucking idiot joe.

last night i had a dream about being in a fight with mom and we were at a relative's house and she wanted us to go back home and i didn't want to go home yet, i think just because i didn't want to be in such an enclosed small space, such as a car, with her. she made me get in the car and started to drive it and i opened my door and kind of just threw myself out of the moving car and went back to the relative's house. the dream ended soon after that.

2/14

yeah well, you know, that's just like, your opinion, man.

2/13

but please don't tell me perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.

2/12

somewhere somehow somebody must have kicked you around some.