possum crossing

This huge possum crossed my path thursday night. For a while he just sort of
sat & stared, just a few feet away from me. He didnt run away until i started to approach

I guess the issue is, sean m wants to plan ahead if we get together. Or the
issue is the car that will be "mine" isnt fixed therefore i would have to use my parents car therefore i would have to say "hey can i take the car to go see sean m." and i don't want to tell my mom that i want to see sean m. again. And, u know, im not gonna lie
about where im going cuz thatll just make me forever paranoid of being caught in the lie. so thats why i still havent gotten together w him. maybe if he was the kind of guy that i would wanna tell my mom that i wanna go see, then i'd go see him. So if he wants to
bitch at me about not going to see him then he can get on the phone w my mom and try to convince her he's worthy. not that he has bitched at me. he hasn't. he just would rather have some kind of intimacy whether technological or physical. I think i would want to have either something physical or nothing. So its either nothing happens, or he tries to win over my mom, or i go see him when the honda's fixed.

Msg: (1/6) So apparently i didnt tell malcolm and sara about all the ways tim h.
failed as a father--not until 2 days ago anyway. Daquinn is being a total douche. i finally deleted jenn and idaa as friends on fb. i was going to delete D too but then decided i didn't want to til after i get security deposit money from that apt back. Keep wondering if alyssa will still be friends w jenn & idaa after she doesnt have to live w them anymore.

Msg: (5/6) tattoo bomber still never got back to me. I called shy too. Still nothing.
Dont want me anymore i guess. What to do now? Freelance tattooing? Advertise on
Msg: (6/6) craigslist? Ive heard thats at least a semi decent way of making money.
Msg: (1/6) The option of being a stripper is still somewhere in the back of my mind.
Could i actually hack it? Could i deal with the stress of being on a stage and being stared at? before i make any decisions i just want to go to a strip club first as a customer, probably sometime soon, to see what its like. then again if i dont end up going further
Msg: (3/6) down that path then i just blew a bunch of money on a strip club. We'll see
what happens. The honda's supposedly supposed to be fixed hopefully sometime
Msg: (4/6) this week.

Me & sean m? Still lust for each other as much as ever, but he has a stick up his ass about me going to see him w/o "planning ahead" first, which is hard for me to do these days, and he's apparently content just sex-texting. But i'm definitely not. I just want something real
and physical. Though lately watching true blood has got me thinking that maybe i don't really truly understand sex, never have and never will. the ways that people get turned on by torturing each other in that show.....is so beyond me sometimes.

I think sara c. might like me as more than a
friend. Dammit i really miss lindsay s. i wanna go see her. Maybe i will
Msg: (4/6) once the car is fixed. Angie went back to colombia. Well she went back
planning to come back here after 2 weeks even tho she was never even positive
they would give her another working visa. Now supposedly they wont give her one. Me & tug were hangin out w sara & malcolm. Tug was coming on to me a bit. I wonder if he'll ever give up. I just dont think of him like that anymore.

Bellyache from eating too much. Time to go work out soon i think. Dont mind
anymore that amanda's fucking sean c. Actually
right now i would kinda feel bad for anyone who actually has feelings for him bc
he's such a big flirt, to a ridiculous degree, to too many people. amanda can have him. although she does deserve someone better than him though.

Tomorrow night the taskers are coming! They're staying with us for two weeks.
Yaaaaaaaaaaaay! I dont think i'll be complaining about how boring my life is anymore for a while. But dammit i'm horny. I'm horny for sean m. I just want him to live closer. Ha, what would he say if i just demanded to him that he live closer to me?

jason? dunno about him. mixed signals. he's probably just really busy.

shaved theo.

uncle chad supposedly wants a tattoo fourth of july weekend.

this kid jackson smith was flirting w me a bit at kati's party. i only briefly began to start to consider having thoughts of being interested in him too. he's only nineteen after all. then i came back to my senses and sort of blew him off.

notes

tanning beds vitamin d, dizzy tripping, watching two guys, alcohol conspiracy

stoners like rats

looked online yesterday for yahoo groups for rat owners. i found a whole bunch of them, but only two that were affiliated with certain states: northern california rat community and association of colorado rat enthusiasts. hmm. california and colorado. what else do those two states have in common? ;)

sometimes there's trippy dizziness when i stand up. really trippy dizziness. and sometimes there's figures of people or animals coming at me out of the corner of my eye then i look and nothing's there. i guess that's more common though.

the roaming gnome

when i hear a kitten mewing miserably in a way that says "rescue me" then it reminds me of the song "rescue me" by...i dont know who. then that song stays in my head for a while. maybe that song should be on spca commercials or something. "rescue me, oh take me in your arms, rescue me, i want your tender charms...."

i told sean m. i need a break from him. theres just no passion there anymore. the other day we started sex-texting each other and then he started talking about tying me to a tree and whipping me and burning me. that just totally killed the mood. i just answered "ew" and then he tried calling me and i didn't answer, then later he texted me saying he wasn't serious about all that. tried to tell me i don't need to freak out, he wasn't serious, do i want to meet up with him for a hook up? do i want to have a mikes hard lemonade with him? i said "sean thank you but i think i need a break from u and me. im sorry. maybe its just my non horny time of the month." no texts from him since then. when you dont have an emotional connection with someone the sex is just ten times less fun. sometimes not even worth it, not even fun at all. seems to me that's the point that it's gotten to with me & him.

somehow even though its been like eight months, somehow whenever i see or think about sean c. there's still a little bit of the pain of rejection. when will it go away?

oh but i do have another pursuit to think about :), jason l. i'm pretty excited.

oh you should see how the fields and forests glitter and twinkle at dusk, it has to be the most beautiful thing in nature that i've ever seen. i can't even describe or put into words how magical and breathtaking it is.

vegetarian=no meat. vegan=no meat or dairy. no dairy=? what do you call that? lactose intolerant by choice? if theres not a name for it there definitely should be.

the other day mom was reminding me how important it is to wash your pussy. not with regular soap but something very mild like baby soap/shampoo. then she goes on and says "i didn't really learn that until i became a lesbian and found out first hand why that's important." oh wow. mom eating someone out. wow. thats something i never tried to picture before.

you know one thing i like about jason? he's not the kind of guy who just flaps his yap about anything for the sake of there not being silence. he only joins in a conversation if it's a good one.

that kitten we rescued, the gray and white one, she fell asleep on me today :). soooooooooooooo adorable. i swear she's practically a different cat ever since me & mom tried giving her chicken (not cat food chicken but chicken) and holding a piece of it with our lips and having the kitten crawl up on us and take it out of our mouths. really. practically a different cat. so cuddly. just loves to be petted and snuggled.

my phone hasn't been working right ever since i accidentally kicked it down the stairs the other night while i was high. it shuts off every time i try to send a text.

i can understand amanda j.'s appeal to sean c. i guess. she's his age and his size. i remember this one time me & sean were fooling around and about to have sex and he tried to pick me up and it didn't really work. haha. i guess i was too big for him.

today the chicken that mom calls stinkerbell came in the house through the window. she was just on the windowsill though and then i put her back out.

today peter got a hanging bed installed in his room. tonight was the first night i've ever heard him say "ok i think i'm ready to go to bed now." i looked around at mom & dad and said "did everyone else just hear him say that?"

mom says that today she & the boys were at the store picking out father's day presents for dad & tom. there was a little figurine of the travelocity gnome, the roaming gnome, and ben pointed to it and said "pop-pop! that's pop-pop!" so they ended up getting that for him. it's a gnome that records messages or something. mom & ben & peter recorded themselves saying "happy father's day!" and then ben distractedly saying "is that a lollipop?"

i realized i did practically the same thing with sean c. that steve did with alyssa. that is, being unsure of whether or not you should sleep over at your sexual partner's place even though you already have before. when alyssa and steve first started hooking up, he slept over one night and then the night after that he tried to find some subtle inconspicuous way of asking if he was allowed to sleep over. alyssa was really confused by that. when me & sean were still hooking up, this one time when i went over his place to hang out, i just assumed i would probably be invited to sleep over and i brought my overnight stuff. but then afterwards i thought to myself "it was probably weird that i did that, and sean just didn't say anything cuz he was being polite." so the next time that same situation happened i didn't bring my stuff over and he seemed confused by that. that night was the same night he told me he can't be in an exclusive relationship.

last night i watched "from hell" with johnny depp and heather graham. it was good. apparently supposedly jack the ripper was a freemason.

mom's in a sort-of fight with Nana. well, not fight, but things are kind of uneasy between them. it's because nana doesn't think it's right that ben & peter will never meet their cousin (colleen's son) noah, who's like the same age as them. and of course mom thinks nana should just respect the fact that she & colleen are not on speaking terms and therefore their kids will not meet each other.

pop-pop wants a tattoo. he wants a little red devil holding a pitchfork. nana doesn't want him to get it though.

...i'm putting most, if not all, of my pics from june in this blog entry

exonerated

i got sunburnt and then right afterwards i was just suddenly so lethargic. i thought "maybe its just a coffee crash and it happens everyday and i should be used to it so i gotta snap out of it" but i eventually gave in to the fatigue and did end up sleeping at least like a half hour or something. is that normal? sunburn makes you tired?

cats always look like they're smiling. and especially when they're asleep. so happy & content, smiling.

isnt the existence of the two completely different sexes proof that there isnt really any one true reality, one true right, one true wrong, etc?

a couple times now i've gone to tyler park at night to check for psilocybe cyanescens mushrooms. so far nothing.

"here's the way i see it. if you have the capability of identifying hallucinogenics in the wild, and know people that would want them, and have the time to find them and don't mind doing it, then it's your job to do it." that is what i imagine saying to the unexistant park ranger who stops me in tyler park and interrogates me about being there after dark. well actually no i just imagine saying "i'm just doing my job." the longer quote three sentences ago is just my reasoning behind that.

you should have seen the trees at tyler park at night. so huge, tall, beautiful, twinkling; mysterious, majestic, foreboding.

i dont remember what mom was asking me about but i was ready to be done with the subject and just didnt have a reaction to whatever she said. then she was still staring at me and it was making me nervous so i giggled and i happened to be looking at my finger, on which there was a cut from a thornbush or something. somehow the cut looked vaguely like an X. so mom was like "what's so funny on your hand? what are you smirking about?" she grabs my hand. "ohhh, the X. ok. what does that mean? wait i know what it means. exonerated. hear that everyone? she's exonerated. she's off the hook. ok."

nana & poppop were here. ppl were pushing me into playing "baseball." it was the elementary school gym class memory mixed with the beer mixed with.....being a 23 year old person still stuck in her parents' house and bound to the responsibility of being the dutiful daughter, spending even my weekends with my stupid family, being bullied into playing stupid games. it's just like being seventeen again. anyway i cried. i felt stupid later cuz i mean there's really nothing to cry over. i don't have it that bad.

the taskers got a house 10 miles from here!!!

sean m. said something about tying me to a tree and whipping me. i think he was trying to turn me on or something. as if. it had the opposite effect. it just totally killed the mood. i havent been able to get horny for him since then.

all the orange tiger lilies in front of a house on wilkinson road were tilted and pointing in the same direction.

i'm gonna hang out with jason l. or at least talk to him next week. i got back in touch w him a few days ago. i'm excited.