illusions

now this week my thoughts are more on dopie than sean c. it was definitely sean c last week. maybe next week it'll be more sean m. then maybe tori the next week and nobody the next week. i don't know why i do this. also i don't know if i really like dopie or just my illusion of him (i don't see him that much anymore). i could almost say the same thing about both seans too. hmm. does that mean when i like guys i don't really like them but just my illusions of them? haha.

planking & weezer

ever notice the lead singer of weezer doesn't seem to have much facial expression?

i don't really get the "planking" thing that's been all over facebook recently.

july

from july 10

how crippled are the "jackass" guys right now? how many injuries do they have that will never heal?

sometimes i think there's too many things i do just cuz people expect me to.

sometimes it's like the more people there are that like me and wanna see me and hang out with me, the more insecure and paranoid i feel. ....i've heard kurt cobain was the same way. i've also heard my handwriting is just like his. it cheers me up when i find similarities between me and my hero.

from july 11

"you're more potent."

tom's girlfriend sandy's kids showed up for 1.5 minutes, long enough for their mother to give them some kinda presents and then leave. mom was still putting the dogs away and making them stop barking, getting ready to meet sandy's kids, when they just left. it was pretty strange. i don't get why anyone would do that.

what is that creature at the beginning of the theme song video for true blood, sitting there underwater? i've wondered that for a long time. looks like some kinda giant salamander with spikes around its neck. i was surprised to discover this season that sam & tara aren't together. if i was a true blood character i would be jason. at least right now i remind me of jason. always trying to do good and do the right thing and never get into trouble, and it never ends up working.

"peter, don't stand too close to the grill! you'll get fired!"

"i don't wanna get policed!"

"what is that red stuff you're holding?"

"grown-up jell-o."

"sometimes jell-o is for kids too right?"

"yeah."

"this is sometimes."

"no, it's not."

"i have one thing to say, shantay shantay shantay."

so supposedly i am "more potent" than my half brothers because i was created out of passion, not just because of wanting to have kids. that's what mom says anyway. maybe she was just trying to make me feel better about having been born into a dysfunctional marriage.

i tested those shrooms i picked last month and they didn't do anything :( ...it could be just that my tolerance is up though, cuz i did eat some several weeks ago but then i knew they wouldn't make me trip cuz i was on zoloft, i was just testing them to make sure they weren't poisonous.

...amanda j reminds me of holly k a bit. ...i shared with her the reason why i'm never having kids. it's basically because of ralph and the fact that, while i was high, i somehow accidentally let him run away. how could i trust myself as a parent after that? plus there was nyxie. she died of mycoplasm pneumonia because i put cedar shavings in her tank one time. and vinny? i still don't know why he died. he was just cold one morning. did he choke? did he suffocate? did he have a heart attack? whatever it was, was it because of me or because of something i gave him? i don't know. ben was talking about vinny today and how much he misses him.

i figured out what children's book is about people like me: federick.

i saw part one of harry potter number 7 the other day with amanda and her friend britney.

my friend lindsay was gonna give me a bunny but then didn't once she found someone more enthusiastic about taking her.

4th of july weekend, the schlessers were all down here. we swam in the quarry that's down the street, among many other things. i tattooed my aunt and uncle and cousin.

i wouldn't be a good mom but i would be a good aunt.

we played an xbox dancing game.

mom listened to my story about sean c. and then told me that i'm paranoid and i hurt him. things i did bc of being paranoid and insecure, hurt him. later i thought to myself "maybe that's why the closest thing i've ever had to a relationship is with someone who just pisses me off all the time [sean m.]. at least i know i'll never hurt him more than he hurts me. i hate feeling guilty."

i saw darya and ray the other night. ray was making soap.

tom has been needing me to get him his weed. it's been more and more of a hassle as time progresses. a big part of the reason is the way he approaches it.

i need to find out online how old shrooms can be before they're not safe to eat.

tori's parents are getting divorced.

i need to tell sean c those shrooms won't do anything (i gave some to amanda & chris to give to him). i need to make business cards. i need to sell some things online. i need to see how much money is left in my bank account. i miss having my own computer. i don't get half the stuff done that i need to get done because of not having my own damn computer. why did i just start feeling a little down? maybe because it's the day after, or two days after, a big party that i had been looking forward to for a while. i feel feelings more acutely now that i'm off my meds. why did i go off them? so i could trip on shrooms. and then that didn't even work. great. all that for nothing. ...i still am saving money though. meds cost money.

the other night late at night i borrowed tom's computer and brought it in the pool room so i could skype with sean m. i didn't return the computer until it was barely beginning to get light out. tom just had to wake up as i was returning his computer to him in my tank top and underwear.

...that's why i'm down now, cuz the shrooms didn't work.

a memory comes to me: me telling dopie i wanted to hang out with him one night and him telling me "i'll probably impregnate you," and me not knowing what to say back. another memory comes to me: me as a teenager, mom looking at my feet and saying "do you want me to braid your toe hair for christmas?" ...since then i shave my toes. another memory from just last weekend: mom saying "no, no, not this song. yes, please, make it better," as that "hey jude" song by the beatles came on and it was at the part that goes "then you can start to make it better." haha.

...maybe i'm just partly down because the weekend's over. there's still stuff to look forward to: manny & linda's cookout/party thing, seeing lindsay, maybe seeing one or both of the two seans, seeing the schlessers again, maybe going to sandy's barbecue...

so i guess i did finally get to know amanda j at least somewhat. ...i was a little more conscious of the age difference between me and that group of people as we were walking around town and whenever i mentioned music or movies that were before their time, not realizing before i mentioned it that it was before their time. haha.

a memory i'm fond of recalling is one where i was trying to ask sean c about his parents and what they're like and what his relationship with them was like. he was telling me in some way or another that there was some amount of discomfort in his relationship with his father. i said "so if you went up t......" and started to giggle and it was hard to stop, and then i tried to say it again and then i started giggling again and he said "if i went up to my dad... yeah... ?" and i said "if you went up to your dad and said 'dad, how much do you love me? cuz i love you thiiiiiiiiiiiis much,' what would he do?" (i opened my arms wide as i said "thiiiiiiiiiis much"). sean laughed and said "he'd probably say 'what kind of drugs are you on right now sean?"

i hate when i can't tell if ppl are mad at me or if they're just not answering cuz they're really busy. and i dislike those moments when someone's flirting with u and it's someone u need to deal with for whatever reason so u can't just blow them off and u want to show them ur not interested but not be rude and its so hard to know how to do that.

chelsea's recently had some kind of relationship with a girl named niya. last i heard it was starting to go to shit. i don't know now though. their deal was that they were girlfriends but they were allowed to do guys but not other girls. ...sounds like a sweet setup. anyway but now that girl niya is moving to another town.

will i ever be a successful tattooist? will i ever become more successful and busy and popular? i would've thought that after i put that kickass sea turtle tattoo i did online, that i would've had new clientele left & right. apparently not though.

will i ever get to be with sean? if not him, can i be content or pretend to be content with the other sean? what about dopie? he's pretty adorable and cute and sexy. but sometimes i get the feeling we will never really be able to relate to each other the way i can relate to sean (c). i don't know though. i would prob give it a shot if he was willing. i don't know if he is or not though. he's been giving mixed signals. ...and who would be a better second choice, sean m or dopie? i dunno. andy? would i ever mess with him? i don't think i would. i don't think i would ever do that to sean. thats his friend.

i have to tag mark in that picture.

something just occurred to me, i have a couple pics from the party a couple nights ago. up until right now i was planning on putting them up on facebook. i dunno if i will now though. what if sean saw and felt weird that i was partying with his friends without him? ...could amanda and chris possibly feel like i was using them to get to sean?? i don't think they would think that. i dunno though. using them as in going to their party with the intention of dropping off shrooms with them for sean. hmmmm. is that rude or shitty in any way?

will i never be able to relate to dopie? never? and if i can't what's the reason? because we come from two different classes in society? but that can't be the reason can it? cuz i can relate to tori. speaking of her, why hasn't she talked to me all day?

now i feel shitty about getting amanda and chris all excited about shrooms that turned out to be ineffective.

from july 12

gaps in between periods last longer in the summer?

"i wanna meet the monkeys that made us." -peter

so today harry met a pig, i found out that "late night hess" means you order anything in the whole store through a window and pay for it through the window, and mom tried to tempt me into buying a rat at the pet store. i think maybe she was just doing that to make me decide if i'll ever have one again or not and therefore decide what i'm doing with vinny's old rat cage that's been sitting in the garage since last winter.

going into a dunkin donuts or seeing one usually reminds me of a black-eyed peas song.

i learned on "family guy" that the symbol "&" is called an "amperstand."

from july 18

i'm starting to suspect more and more that it really was just my tolerance or my meds not being totally worn off. i'm starting to suspect more and more that that's the real reason behind the shrooms not taking effect. we'll have to just wait and see though. now mike & tori have some, amanda & chris have some, and sean has some (or will have some). i'll hear reports sooner or later.

yeah i've been feeling kinda down and at first i thought it was pms but now it's lasting too long to just be pms so i think the effects of going off my meds were finally starting to kick in. so that means they didn't wear off until recently which means i took the shrooms before they wore off, which means i don't know how they affect people who aren't on meds. ooooooh the anticipation.