i finally figured it out

for the last couple days i've been so confused about what i want. it's like i want sex, like i'm horny, but i don't want it and i'm not horny at the same time. i mean i am, like i think about penises a lot, but when i try to imagine sex with any specific person it's not right. i crave sean's body. i imagine it. but then as soon as i imagine looking into his face then the fantasy is ruined. as soon as i look at his face i think, "that face will never love me." and then i'm not horny anymore. i'm just sad.

so hard

sean makes life so hard.

hoegaarden

Hoegaarden beer

prepared answer in case sean or any of his friends wants an explanation:
i'm kind of past the phase in my life where i'm willing to hookup with a guy who doesn't give a fuck about me, just cuz he's really hot. you know, that's how growing up goes.

one of my very first memories, if not my very first. i was two or three. my Nana had just given me a bath and dried me off and all, and i was still naked, and she was still picking out my clothes or whatever--i didn't know about modesty or anything then, i guess three year olds don't--and i remember spreading my legs apart, and pulling the lips apart, and saying,"hey Nana look at that, it looks just like a butterfly! doesn't it?" i just have this vague feeling that i have this vague memory of her not quite sharing my enthusiasm on that discovery.

boogies

L.H.: did you know that eric clapton was friends with george harrison?
Phil: i certainly did.

I.E.: "I just did it with him so I wouldn't have to touch his penis. Then he'd pass out and i would go sit on the floor and smoke a cigarette and cry."

mom got this 'let your kid make his own book' kit thing, where there's a blank book and you put your kid's picture and there's a bunch of different kinds of stickers they can pick out and put down, and the kid tells you what to write. So my mom got one for ben. here's what i hear from the other room:

m: 1st. page. ok what do you want to put on this page
b: i like snow
m: i like snow. ok. i like snow. there......ok next page. what do you want to put here?
b: i like boogies
m:'i like boogies'? ha. ok. now really. what do you want to put there? do you really want to put that?
b: yes. i like boogies.
m: no really
(this type of exchange keeps going on for a minute until mom finally writes down 'i like boogies')
m: ok. next page. what do you want to put here?
b: i like to cook.
m: you like to cook. ok. what do you like to cook?
b: boogies.
m: oh, come on. really now. what do you really like to cook? you don't cook boogies.
b: yeah i do
m: ok what else do you like to cook?
b: just boogies. i want you to put boogies.
(this type of struggle/exchange keeps going on until mom finally puts down 'i like to cook boogies')

this was going on while i was in the next room trying to draw something. i didn't really succeed in drawing anything at that time because i was too busy cracking up laughing.

stupid sean convos

Sent: Nov 28 12:57am Msg: How ya doin liz

Msg: Ok. How about you? Ive talked and talked and talked about my life i still  know next to nothing about yours right now
Msg: Well pretty much I am tired and such.. Have work in the morning. And I am  currently eating pizza.. What are you doin
Msg: Liz ard.. Are u in something comfortable
Msg: Triipping slightly. Drunk slightly. Watching "still waiting"
Msg: Ur probably feelin good right now.. I was just watchin that.. Ya alone ?
Msg: No but i could be
Msg: Mmm maybe u should b
Msg: Have u ever done sexual stuff tripping ?
Msg: Mmm a little bit.. Have u liz
Msg: The fibers in the carpet are sexy smiling dancing cartoony  girls.......really what was that like....no i havent
Msg: Mmm felt good.. Kinda lose urself in the feelin... Its awesome bein nude  while trippin.. Ha that's awesome.
Msg: Ha yea isnt it....far out
Msg: Are you nude now liz
Msg: I just tried calling u
Msg: Sorry. I can't talk right now... Are ya ok tho... Wat ya doin
Msg: This carpet keeps moving. It takes so much longer to type than talk. I keep wondering what your doing thats preventing you from talking. Thats what im  
doing
Msg: Lizzz arddd
Msg: Mmm u must b in another world... Must have started touchin urself
Msg: Lizzzz
Msg: I wish I knew what u were up to
Msg: Lil b I t c h
Sent: Nov 28 2:05pm Msg: What? Your the one who wont answer your phone when i call you.
Msg: Yup.... Bc I couldnt.. U do it just to b a bitch... Good work
Msg: How was ur trip. Did u get nude
Msg: Mhmm how was ur man last night
Msg: WHY couldnt u
Msg: No i went to sleep
Msg: U tell me. How were you
Msg: No u didnt... U went to sleep trippin ? I'm not gonna b ur man much longrr  if u keep treatin me like this
Msg: Yea....is that not supposed to b possible? I know on acid its not. Treating  u like what? Wanting to know y u wont talk to me?
Msg: I couldn't talk bc I was upstairs .. Close to ppls rooms and didn't want to  wake them... Why couldn't u answer after that ? Bc u had to throw a hissy fit
Msg: Y couldnt u have just explained that then? Then i would have understood.  Then i wouldnt have felt the need to throw a 'hissy fit'
Msg: Bc u didn't fuckin answerrr... Bc u were being all emotional... U had to b  o so tough for no reaon... So stop treatin me like that liz
Msg: I said "i keep wondering what your doing thats preventing u from talking"  meaning i wanted to know y u couldnt talk, then u didnt answer. U just changed the 
subject
Msg: Mhm k liz.. U could have answered me and u didnt.. Not cool.. N u don't  even want to make it up to me


Sent: Dec 5 3:51am 
Msg: What ya doin
Sent: Dec 5 5:25pm
  
Msg: Sean, this thing with you and me...it means more to me than it does to you.  I can just tell. Thats why i dont think its bound to last. I need to get over 
you.
Msg: I mean doing anything other than that would be dangerous. I might let  myself fall in love with you...thats a recipe for disaster
Sent: Dec 6 12:52pm Msg: Hi lizzz
Msg: What are you doing today
Msg: I'm comin over
Msg: Oh i'm working
Msg: Til 8
Msg: Mm lizzard. That's no fun babe.. When u start
Msg: 11
Msg: Ya busy boo
Msg: Kinda
Msg: Mmm babe... Have nt seen ya.. Miss u .. 
Msg: Your sweet . . . . . . I still have to get over u
Msg: Well can we still hang out... 
Msg: I like u
Msg: Lizardd... When u takin ur break
Msg: Yea sure
Msg: 230 to 330 or somethin like that
Msg: Want to play
Msg: Liz baby wats on under ur uniform
Msg: I need to resist you
Msg: Mmm no don't dare lizz.. Wats under
Msg: Part of resisting you is not sharing that information
Msg: Gonna make me find out the hard way ? I just found a video of u rubbin
Msg: I dont know how to answer that
  
Msg: Which part
Msg: The first part. The second part doesnt seem to need a response
Msg: Mm it was the nine second one... It worked baby... Let's hang out some liz
Msg: You're only sweet to me when i try to push you away.  I'm not falling for  it anymore.  I can't anymore.  I need to look out for myself.
Msg: Lizz... Let me see u
Msg: No
Sent: Dec 8 3:58am Msg: Hi liz
Msg: Hi sean
Msg: What ya up to late night friend
Msg: Just finished getting ready for bed late night friend
Msg: Ha ha ur cute. Wat were u doin to get ready 
Msg: Brushing teeth & taking meds
Msg: Do u change for bed liz
Msg: Yes
Msg: O.. Into wat liz
Msg: Lizard baby can we have fun one more time
Msg: Mmm lizz
Sent: Dec 13 2:58am Msg: Hi ho
Msg: Hey
Msg: Wat ya up to
Msg: About to clean the rats' cage. What u doin
Msg: Just hangin out at my friends.. Ur up late.. Cleanin a cage huh ? What ya  in 
Msg: What m i in? Pj pants & t shirt
Msg: Thats cute. Whats under liz
Msg: Mind your own business
Msg: Lizard.. May i come over
Msg: Depends on what u wanna do over here
Msg: Well... Whats allowed mommy
Msg: Um nothing sexual can go on
Msg: A little touchin.. Massage ?
Msg: I said i have to get over u remember?
Msg: Babe y tho. We enjoy each other
Msg: It means more to me than it does to you
  
Msg: Ya but before it was the opposite
Msg: When?
Msg: When u turned me down for the other dude
Msg: Look the fact is you'll never love me and i'll never be able to stop myself  from wanting love
Msg: Lizzz
Msg: What
Msg: Make passinate love
Msg: Let me see u
Msg: What? Who's making passionate love?
Msg: Im not stopping u from seeing me
Msg: We should. Baby let me see u bein sexy
Msg: Baby i miss u
Msg: It's always going to feel like there's something lacking. Something  missing. And lately i dont think i'm into guys anymore
Msg: ... Girls ?
Msg: No. I'm not into anyone. I'm into being alone and finding some peace.
Msg: Ur great
Sent: Dec 13 7:12am Msg: Lizard doll
(((Msg: and then he called me on the phone when i was already in bed. I answered  half asleep.  The phonecall didnt last long. It was a bad connection and we 
just hung up. For the rest of this text convo i was still half asleep and at that point i was just 
sick of arguing and was about to give in and just let him come over)))
Msg: Could u hear me
Msg: Yea but barely...and some kind of buzzing
Msg: Can u go online n chat with me babes
Msg: Maybe we can go on cam
Msg: My comp doesnt have a cam
Msg: Y dont u just come over
Msg: ... U can watch me if u would like
  
Msg: Mm may i.. ? U can watch me on cam if u like...
Msg: I'd rather if u just came over...i dunno if that'll even work
Msg: I cant right now babe. Im home.. Just go online n try.. Lets play tom
  
Msg: I have to wake up in an hour and a half
Msg: Mm liz baby.. Let me see u please.. Get me all ready for tom
Msg: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Msg: Im gonna call u.. I need to hear ur voice.. Will u play for a few sexy
Msg: Send me one hott pic liz



Sent: Jan 1 6:28pm Msg: How are your men doin
Msg: My men? Ha, what am i, an army commander?
Msg: Ya. . A cock commander. How are your dicks commander
Msg: What ya baby sitting in
Msg: Umm i havent had access to any dicks since october
Msg: Hows all your poontang doin
Msg: Jeans & sweater
Msg: Good. . Its some nice pussy. I think you would like it. . . O liz mine was  all yours
Msg: What kind of sweater
Msg: Well i sort of have a gf now
Msg: A blue one
Msg: Oh ya ? How do you sort of . . Who is she. . Is it tight blue
Msg: I dont wanna answer questions anymore
Msg: Whats your condition again
Msg: You cant process things quickly or something ? . . Have you seen her pussy
Msg: Come on liz. . Be real. . Not your fake you
Msg: I'm being real. I'm over this whole thing with me and you. It's given me  more stress than pleasure.  I dont want to talk about these kinds of things with you 
anymore. I just want to drop it.
Msg: I asking you whats your condition. It would be easier to explain things if  you didnt make shit up. . So whats wrong with you
Msg: Its called asperger syndrome
Msg: Explain what things
Msg: Like autism ?
Msg: You really have a girl friend all of the sudden ? . . 
Msg: A mild form of autism
Msg: No i dont, i said that to get u to leave me alone bc i dont feel the same  way about u anymore. The fear of emotional pain overpowers the lust
Msg: What pain . . Your the one who turned me down. . You have a bad memory. .  You did that, not me
Msg: Right liz. . You hurt me
Msg: Ok well u dont like to spend time with me unless i'm being bad 4 u. That
  
hurts
Msg: Not true. We have had fun just smokin and talking. . . I thought
Msg: I think that was just a couple times
Msg: Look i'm sorry if i hurt you. I really didnt want to. I just cant help it.  I dont see guys the same way anymore. I dont trust them. I fear them.
Msg: So it was not worth it liz ? You know. That feeling every time we get at  lawrence
Msg: Because of acid boy ?
Msg: I'm sorry. I really am. I can't help how i feel. Please don't guilt trip  me.
Msg: Yes bc of acid boy
Msg: Well i mean. . Thats not my fault. . Thats his fault. . . You blame it all  on me
Msg: Well a while ago when i texted u "try texting me at a time when im awake"  then u just said "your nuts" and i said "y" and u never answered.  I thought that was 
you breaking things off with me right then & there
Msg: And i'm not blamin anything on anyone. Theres been a mental change in me  that i dont control 
Msg: Whats your mental state. . And does it happen a lot
Msg: Im talkin about the way i see guys. Look Sean why dont u pretend your the  one who wanted to break things off with me. Then you'll be absolutely fine with 
it. U just want control. What can i say to make u want to 
end it? Guess what i'm madly deeply in love with you, i want to spend the  rest of my life with you. Will u marry me? Will u be my husband? Can i have your babies?
Msg: Ya please. Lets eff nasty. . . And send me nude photos now
Msg: Unbelievable
Sent: Jan 1 9:15pm Msg: Lets see and i won t talk to you anymore
Sent: Jan 1 9:49pm Msg: Liz babe. . Would you like a girl friend
Msg: I dont know. I think so. Y
Msg: I have a girl you may be into
Msg: Who
Msg: One of my friends. . Could you be into pussy
Msg: Why would u want to set me up w someone
Msg: Because you seem un happy. . Are you actual into girls. . I dont see it
Msg: I'm always changing my mind about it.  I have to be alone for a while to  know what i want, i think.
Msg: Have you ever experienced one ?




Sent: Jan 2 3:22am Msg: Why do you hate me
Msg: What? Y would u say that? U really think that?
Msg: Yes i do
Sent: Jan 2 3:38pm Msg: If i hated u i wouldnt still be talking to u. What did i do to make u think  that? I dont hate u, i'm scared of getting attached to u bc every time i do, u get 
more distant & u back off.
Msg: Because of what happened last time. . . I really liked you miss
Msg: What happened last time with what. You said you only liked me as a friend.  Remember?
Msg: No i said i couldn t get serious. . But i do really like you
Msg: Liz you make me smile when we talk and you turn me on more then anyone else  when your bad
Msg: well what does "get serious" mean
Msg: Thats touching
Msg: Whats touchin. . Liz ?
Msg: What does get serious mean
Msg: Boy friend girl friend
Msg: Well then whats the point of this whole discussion? Why were you so hurt  over that other guy if u never wanted to get serious anyway? U dont make any sense