b

"does it really bring you down that much when i don't get when you're joking?" --me, talking to Justin/Dopie

i've heard that in greece heroin is as common as pot and cigarettes.

they've been calling dippin' dots the ice cream of the future for like over fifteen years now.

after i let ralph outside and he unexpectedly ran away and i talked about it on facebook, sean c. commented saying "no offense but i can't believe you really thought he would come back. i do know he loves you tho....just less sense of direction than you thought." i responded "yeah. i'm stupid. it's a pity. at least i never had any human kids."

then last night i had this horrible nightmare that ben & peter were actually my kids, not mom's; i had adopted them from some exotic country while i had been on vacation. they were just babies back then, they may have looked more like baby bushbaby monkeys, and for some reason at the time that i got them i was thinking of them more as pets than children. i failed to realize, until it was too late, that they would grow up to be humans and i would have to be the mother to human children and have full responsibility over them. in my dream, mom was reminding me that ben and peter were mine, my responsibility, and when and if i ever moved back out of the house, i had to take them with me. i was absolutely horrified--not because i don't love ben and peter of course but just because i'm not responsible enough to be the mother of a human. not everyone is cut out for the job. i happen to be one of those people who's not cut out for the job. i was so fucking horrified, thinking something along the lines of "how could i have been so fucking stupid?! i adopted those cute little exotic african babies never thinking they would grow up into grownup humans but then of course they did grow up and what the hell do i do now?!!!!!! there's no way i could ever learn how to be a mother to human children! i'm not responsible enough! i'm going to fuck up their lives so bad

7/12/10

today:

mom blows up and tells me i don't do squat around here
i sort of solve a little conflict/confrontation with DQ

last week at the art museum
i was standing in the most modern part of the philly museum of art, where there were circles of rocks on the floor and big neon signs of the number zero over and over again like thirty times and under it a CD player playing some guy's voice saying "zero" over and over again. some guy, one of the guys working there, comes up to me and says "you know, a lot of people would just come in here and look at this stuff and say 'that's not art' and walk away cuz they don't give it a chance but what i say is that you gotta just give it a chance, don't be so quick to judge and point the finger. kinda like, say, how people should react to your tattoo;"--pointing at my deltoid--"don't just point the finger and judge. give it a chance." people amuse me.

quote from henry beston

we need another, and a wiser, and perhaps a more mystical concept of animals.

remote from universal nature, and living by complicated artifice, man in civilization surveys the creature through the glass of his knowledge, & sees thereby a feather magnified, and the whole image in distortion.

we patronize them for their incompleteness, for the tragic fate of having taken form so far below ourselves, & therein we err, and greatly err.

for the animal shall not be measured by man.

in a world older and more complete than ours they move finished and complete, gifted with extensions of the senses we have lost or never attained, living by voices we never hear.

they are not brethren, they are not underlings; they are other nations caught with ourselves in the net of life and time, fellow prisoners of the splendour and travail of the earth.

from: the outermost house, by henry beston

......these are my july pictures. all the stuff that looks like it's from a museum, it's from a museum. i'm not claiming that any of it is mine (except the turtle drawing, the bat drawing and the carnivorous plant drawing [and the henna tattoo i did on my friend sara's chest])

old emails to myself

"mushroom species"


psilocybe azurescens
psilocybe bohemica

gymnopilus luteofoleus
gymnopilus spectabilis
panaeolus bispora
panaeolus cambodgeniensis
panaeolus campanulatus
panaeolus cyanescens
panaeolus subbalteatus
panaeolus tropicalis
psilocybe arcana
psilocybe atlantis
psilocybe australiana
psilocybe aztecorum


"no subject" from november 2009
a conversation w sean m

Msg: Lizzzz. Let me see you:-)Msg: See me doin whatMsg: Givin me those sexy eyes topless outsideMsg: Ok hold onMsg: Mmm kMsg: How's it going lizMsg: I started puttin my shoes on to go outside and my aunt & mom were like
'where u goin' i said 'takin up the trash cans' and they were like 'then while your out there take this water & bread & go find the chickens and round them up and put them in the coop and b quick about it'......theyre such a painMsg: Ha ha ha.. So what u doin nowMsg: Mmm lizardd is that a hot pic... Damn babyyy. I love u outdoors... Does ur
phone camMsg: Baby can u take some around the chicken pen and such... All around ur cool
propertyMsg: Ur tits look so cute.. Ya wearin make up ?Msg: Im glad u think so :)...yeaMsg: Im sry i cant ne more right now my fam is all up my ass buggin meMsg: Ya i am, to camouflage this cold sore i have right now

conversations w sean from over the winter

Sent: Nov 28 12:57am
Msg: How ya doin lizMsg: Ok. How about you? Ive talked and talked and talked about my life i still
know next to nothing about yours right nowMsg: Well pretty much I am tired and such.. Have work in the morning. And I am
currently eating pizza.. What are you doinMsg: Liz ard.. Are u in something comfortableMsg: Triipping slightly. Drunk slightly. Watching "still waiting"Msg: Ur probably feelin good right now.. I was just watchin that.. Ya alone ?Msg: No but i could beMsg: Mmm maybe u should bMsg: Have u ever done sexual stuff tripping ?Msg: Mmm a little bit.. Have u lizMsg: The fibers in the carpet are sexy smiling dancing cartoony
girls.......really what was that like....no i haventMsg: Mmm felt good.. Kinda lose urself in the feelin... Its awesome bein nude
while trippin.. Ha that's awesome.Msg: Ha yea isnt it....far outMsg: Are you nude now lizMsg: I just tried calling uMsg: Sorry. I can't talk right now... Are ya ok tho... Wat ya doinMsg: This carpet keeps moving. It takes so much longer to type than talk. I keep wondering what your doing thats preventing you from talking. Thats what im
doingMsg: Lizzz ardddMsg: Mmm u must b in another world... Must have started touchin urselfMsg: LizzzzMsg: I wish I knew what u were up toMsg: Lil b I t c hSent: Nov 28 2:05pm
Msg: What? Your the one who wont answer your phone when i call you.Msg: Yup.... Bc I couldnt.. U do it just to b a bitch... Good workMsg: How was ur trip. Did u get nudeMsg: Mhmm how was ur man last nightMsg: WHY couldnt uMsg: No i went to sleepMsg: U tell me. How were youMsg: No u didnt... U went to sleep trippin ? I'm not gonna b ur man much longrr
if u keep treatin me like thisMsg: Yea....is that not supposed to b possible? I know on acid its not. Treating
u like what? Wanting to know y u wont talk to me?Msg: I couldn't talk bc I was upstairs .. Close to ppls rooms and didn't want to
wake them... Why couldn't u answer after that ? Bc u had to throw a hissy fitMsg: Y couldnt u have just explained that then? Then i would have understood.
Then i wouldnt have felt the need to throw a 'hissy fit'Msg: Bc u didn't fuckin answerrr... Bc u were being all emotional... U had to b
o so tough for no reaon... So stop treatin me like that lizMsg: I said "i keep wondering what your doing thats preventing u from talking"
meaning i wanted to know y u couldnt talk, then u didnt answer. U just changed the subjectMsg: Mhm k liz.. U could have answered me and u didnt.. Not cool.. N u don't
even want to make it up to me
Sent: Dec 5 3:51am
Msg: What ya doinSent: Dec 5 5:25pm
Msg: Sean, this thing with you and me...it means more to me than it does to you.
I can just tell. Thats why i dont think its bound to last. I need to get over you.Msg: I mean doing anything other than that would be dangerous. I might let
myself fall in love with you...thats a recipe for disasterSent: Dec 6 12:52pm
Msg: Hi lizzzMsg: What are you doing todayMsg: I'm comin overMsg: Oh i'm workingMsg: Til 8Msg: Mm lizzard. That's no fun babe.. When u startMsg: 11Msg: Ya busy booMsg: KindaMsg: Mmm babe... Have nt seen ya.. Miss u .. Msg: Your sweet . . . . . . I still have to get over uMsg: Well can we still hang out... Msg: I like uMsg: Lizardd... When u takin ur breakMsg: Yea sureMsg: 230 to 330 or somethin like thatMsg: Want to playMsg: Liz baby wats on under ur uniformMsg: I need to resist youMsg: Mmm no don't dare lizz.. Wats underMsg: Part of resisting you is not sharing that informationMsg: Gonna make me find out the hard way ? I just found a video of u rubbinMsg: I dont know how to answer that
Msg: Which partMsg: The first part. The second part doesnt seem to need a responseMsg: Mm it was the nine second one... It worked baby... Let's hang out some lizMsg: You're only sweet to me when i try to push you away. I'm not falling for
it anymore. I can't anymore. I need to look out for myself.Msg: Lizz... Let me see uMsg: NoSent: Dec 8 3:58am
Msg: Hi lizMsg: Hi seanMsg: What ya up to late night friendMsg: Just finished getting ready for bed late night friendMsg: Ha ha ur cute. Wat were u doin to get ready Msg: Brushing teeth & taking medsMsg: Do u change for bed lizMsg: YesMsg: O.. Into wat lizMsg: Lizard baby can we have fun one more timeMsg: Mmm lizzSent: Dec 13 2:58am
Msg: Hi hoMsg: HeyMsg: Wat ya up toMsg: About to clean the rats' cage. What u doinMsg: Just hangin out at my friends.. Ur up late.. Cleanin a cage huh ? What ya
in Msg: What m i in? Pj pants & t shirtMsg: Thats cute. Whats under lizMsg: Mind your own businessMsg: Lizard.. May i come overMsg: Depends on what u wanna do over hereMsg: Well... Whats allowed mommyMsg: Um nothing sexual can go onMsg: A little touchin.. Massage ?Msg: I said i have to get over u remember?Msg: Babe y tho. We enjoy each otherMsg: It means more to me than it does to you
Msg: Ya but before it was the oppositeMsg: When?Msg: When u turned me down for the other dudeMsg: Look the fact is you'll never love me and i'll never be able to stop myself
from wanting loveMsg: LizzzMsg: WhatMsg: Make passinate loveMsg: Let me see uMsg: What? Who's making passionate love?Msg: Im not stopping u from seeing meMsg: We should. Baby let me see u bein sexyMsg: Baby i miss uMsg: It's always going to feel like there's something lacking. Something
missing. And lately i dont think i'm into guys anymoreMsg: ... Girls ?Msg: No. I'm not into anyone. I'm into being alone and finding some peace.Msg: Ur greatSent: Dec 13 7:12am
Msg: Lizard doll(((Msg: and then he called me on the phone when i was already in bed. I answered
half asleep. The phonecall didnt last long. It was a bad connection and we just hung up. For the rest of this text convo i was still half asleep and at that point i was just sick of arguing and was about to give in and just let him come over)))Msg: Could u hear meMsg: Yea but barely...and some kind of buzzingMsg: Can u go online n chat with me babesMsg: Maybe we can go on camMsg: My comp doesnt have a camMsg: Y dont u just come overMsg: ... U can watch me if u would like
Msg: Mm may i.. ? U can watch me on cam if u like...Msg: I'd rather if u just came over...i dunno if that'll even workMsg: I cant right now babe. Im home.. Just go online n try.. Lets play tom
Msg: I have to wake up in an hour and a halfMsg: Mm liz baby.. Let me see u please.. Get me all ready for tomMsg: ZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzMsg: Im gonna call u.. I need to hear ur voice.. Will u play for a few sexyMsg: Send me one hott pic liz
Sent: Jan 1 6:28pm
Msg: How are your men doinMsg: My men? Ha, what am i, an army commander?Msg: Ya. . A cock commander. How are your dicks commanderMsg: What ya baby sitting inMsg: Umm i havent had access to any dicks since octoberMsg: Hows all your poontang doinMsg: Jeans & sweaterMsg: Good. . Its some nice pussy. I think you would like it. . . O liz mine was
all yoursMsg: What kind of sweaterMsg: Well i sort of have a gf nowMsg: A blue oneMsg: Oh ya ? How do you sort of . . Who is she. . Is it tight blueMsg: I dont wanna answer questions anymoreMsg: Whats your condition againMsg: You cant process things quickly or something ? . . Have you seen her pussyMsg: Come on liz. . Be real. . Not your fake youMsg: I'm being real. I'm over this whole thing with me and you. It's given me
more stress than pleasure. I dont want to talk about these kinds of things with you anymore. I just want to drop it.Msg: I asking you whats your condition. It would be easier to explain things if
you didnt make shit up. . So whats wrong with youMsg: Its called asperger syndromeMsg: Explain what thingsMsg: Like autism ?Msg: You really have a girl friend all of the sudden ? . . Msg: A mild form of autismMsg: No i dont, i said that to get u to leave me alone bc i dont feel the same
way about u anymore. The fear of emotional pain overpowers the lustMsg: What pain . . Your the one who turned me down. . You have a bad memory. .
You did that, not meMsg: Right liz. . You hurt meMsg: Ok well u dont like to spend time with me unless i'm being bad 4 u. That
hurtsMsg: Not true. We have had fun just smokin and talking. . . I thoughtMsg: I think that was just a couple timesMsg: Look i'm sorry if i hurt you. I really didnt want to. I just cant help it.
I dont see guys the same way anymore. I dont trust them. I fear them.Msg: So it was not worth it liz ? You know. That feeling every time we get at
lawrenceMsg: Because of acid boy ?Msg: I'm sorry. I really am. I can't help how i feel. Please don't guilt trip
me.Msg: Yes bc of acid boyMsg: Well i mean. . Thats not my fault. . Thats his fault. . . You blame it all
on meMsg: Well a while ago when i texted u "try texting me at a time when im awake"
then u just said "your nuts" and i said "y" and u never answered. I thought that was you breaking things off with me right then & thereMsg: And i'm not blamin anything on anyone. Theres been a mental change in me
that i dont control Msg: Whats your mental state. . And does it happen a lotMsg: Im talkin about the way i see guys. Look Sean why dont u pretend your the
one who wanted to break things off with me. Then you'll be absolutely fine with it. U just want control. What can i say to make u want to end it? Guess what i'm madly deeply in love with you, i want to spend the
rest of my life with you. Will u marry me? Will u be my husband? Can i have your babies?Msg: Ya please. Lets eff nasty. . . And send me nude photos nowMsg: UnbelievableSent: Jan 1 9:15pm
Msg: Lets see and i won t talk to you anymoreSent: Jan 1 9:49pm
Msg: Liz babe. . Would you like a girl friendMsg: I dont know. I think so. YMsg: I have a girl you may be intoMsg: WhoMsg: One of my friends. . Could you be into pussyMsg: Why would u want to set me up w someoneMsg: Because you seem un happy. . Are you actual into girls. . I dont see itMsg: I'm always changing my mind about it. I have to be alone for a while to
know what i want, i think.Msg: Have you ever experienced one ?
Sent: Jan 2 3:22am
Msg: Why do you hate meMsg: What? Y would u say that? U really think that?Msg: Yes i do
Sent: Jan 2 3:38pm
Msg: If i hated u i wouldnt still be talking to u. What did i do to make u think
that? I dont hate u, i'm scared of getting attached to u bc every time i do, u get more distant & u back off.Msg: Because of what happened last time. . . I really liked you missMsg: What happened last time with what. You said you only liked me as a friend.
Remember?Msg: No i said i couldn t get serious. . But i do really like youMsg: Liz you make me smile when we talk and you turn me on more then anyone else
when your badMsg: well what does "get serious" meanMsg: Thats touchingMsg: Whats touchin. . Liz ?Msg: What does get serious meanMsg: Boy friend girl friendMsg: Well then whats the point of this whole discussion? Why were you so hurt
over that other guy if u never wanted to get serious anyway? U dont make any sense


links to cool artwork, tim burton

http://www.cinematical.com/photos/tim-burtons-moma-exhibition-0/2459803/
http://www.cinematical.com/photos/tim-burtons-moma-exhibition-0/2459818/
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old journal entry from sept 09

Now that I've been drinking good coffee all summer, I can't bear to try to stomach this "coffee" they have in the cafeteria. It's sooooooo disgusting. I've been getting coffee from Einstein (bagel) lately. Why do I have a cut on my lip? My tattoo gun sputtered out on me. Jenn's grandparents took both of us out to dinner yesterday. It was so sweet. I saw Kathleen & Kim last night. They were partying with a bunch of youngsters. I saw Tobin too. Chelsea's in Santa Monica. I'm fed up with Sean and not talking to him now but I still want him really really bad when I get horny. Tug tried hooking up with me a couple weeks ago and I told him I'm not into him like that anymore but now I think I am again, and now I just haven't been able to get ahold of him to tell/show him that. I only finished a part of a fish's head on Lindsay's back before my equipment failed me. My new friend John wants to do the WWOOF program with me. He says hugging bud plants helps them grow. Shit man I really need to pick up some bud dammit. Jenn's grandmother wants me to do a painting for her. Lindsay is sick. I saw a bunch of good-looking dirt-cheap cars, somewhere close to here. Erich is such a pathetic loser (as I've thought for a long time). Almost a year ago DQ asked me, "If Erich and Sean were both drowning and

another

the cold always makes my nose run. whenever i'm outside in the winter, i'm constantly wiping my nose. it's started happening already and it's only september. i went walking in the cold september rain and when i got home my hands were numb with cold--almost too numb to turn the knobs in the shower and turn the water on. my body is not built for the cold. i'm not programmed or equipped to handle it, and so i can't. i'm a crippled booger-face who can't even turn shower knobs.
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damn sexy obnoxious birds racing with dreams

last night i decided that one of my life goals is to have my own personal aviary so i can have pet birds and not feel guilty for putting a bird in a cage--cuz they won't be in a cage, they'll be in an aviary. last night as i was walking up the driveway after just having finished putting the trash cans out at the curb, it felt like my knee hit something that felt like a paddle ball, but then i looked down and nothing was there. the new alice in wonderland wears some damn sexy dresses doesn't she?

last night mom was telling me about drunk obnoxious tropical birds on some exotic island: birds that go around mocking people to their faces and have "ruined" at least one couple's honeymoon as they were vacationing on that island.

last night i told darya that i sleep more than your average person and she said "i know. thats cuz your a genius. your mind is always racing. you need a lot of rest. cuz even when your resting your still not totally resting, your mind is racing with dreams."