sara's tat

i tattooed my friend Sara the other day. she had me do a bigger version of the design she already had on the back of her neck--and place it below the one that was already there

you annoying little fuck

as i said before but didn't elaborate on, i absolutely loved the movie "the girl with the dragon tattoo." me & mom & dad watched it. the whole reason they were into the idea of watching it was that one of the characters was a girl with asperger syndrome. it was a long drawn out movie with a really complex plot and everything. there were a lot of characters in it. the girl with asperger syndrome, lisbeth, was only one of them. the movie was basically about her solving this murder mystery, and also about her getting one over on her parole officer (cuz she'd been convicted of a crime as a child) who was taking corrupted advantage of the law system and sexually abusing her (she definitely got sweet revenge tho). anyway by the end of the movie mom and dad were complaining about how long the movie was and about how the whole reason they watched it was they wanted to see a movie about a girl with asperger syndrome and the movie wasn't even really that much about her, it was just about her getting raped and getting revenge and solving a murder mystery, blah blah blah. but i think it was great that the movie wasn't just all about her having asperger syndrome. i think the last thing we need is another movie about people with asperger syndrome where the whole movie is like "this is what it's like for those poor aspies, this is how they live, this is what everyday life is like for them, this is what it's like when they try to communicate and they're bad at it oh and this is what it's like for those poor people and let's all have a pity party for them blah blah boo hoo hoo." no, we don't need another movie like that. let there be a movie where there is something bigger going on, something more important happening (like a murder mystery). let there be an aspie character who plays a part in the unraveling of the whole thing. let there be an aspie character who becomes an important part of something that a lot of people are a part of. let us see how that character falls into things, into people, into life, into important significant situations. let that character have an important role to play. let that character fit into something or fit in somewhere. let us see an example of that. that's the kind of movie about people with asperger syndrome that we need, and that's what "the girl with the dragon tattoo" is.

my cousin christian was raised in a way that made him almost never responsible for his actions. for a long time he was the youngest child out of two children. if he ever did anything wrong, it wasn't his fault because he was "just a kid." only his older sister was meant to be responsible and sensible. only she could be blamed for anything. consequently, christian hasn't grown into the most pleasant person to be around.

one time mom was telling me about a weekend that my aunt and uncle and cousins came over to our house (i wasn't there, maybe i was in west chester or something). at the first moment she had alone with dad since they were there, she said to him "that kid is such an annoying little fuck! i hope to god our kids don't turn out like him." then dad whispered to her that chad (christian's father) was right in the other room and could hear her. or maybe he didn't whisper but just pointed. i don't know. the point is mom then realized chad had heard her say that and she was so embarrassed. so she was telling me this story and getting to the end and she said "yeah that was really embarrassing." i was pretty sure she meant that she, herself, was embarrassed. i wasn't positive though. "embarrassing for you?" i said. "yes, embarrassing for me!" she said. "who else would it be embarrassing for?!" i said "well maybe you meant that uncle chad was embarrassed for having a son who's an annoying little fuck." mom laughed and said "nobody thinks of their kid as an annoying little fuck, even if they are one." right at that moment we were out in the pool room behind the bar. my rat vinny was with us. he started licking my mom's face. then a moment later she jumped back as if he'd bitten her. i gasped. "did he bite you?" i said. mom said "just a little, not really, he was just feeling me with his teeth." she knows i think of vinny as my kid. "vinny," i said, "you annoying little fuck."

C, M & W

i wanted anna c. to be my local best friend. she blows me off though.

the last episode of boardwalk empire that i saw--or maybe the one before that--i found myself getting so hot and bothered when angela and jimmy started having sex. at first she wasn't having it. she was backing away and pushing him away. that just made him start getting more forceful and persistent. he wasn't taking no for an answer. eventually she just gave in and they were making out and she was wrapping her legs around him. oh it was so hot. i had to rewind it and watch it again. maybe it's fucked up that that turns me on but i can't help it, it just does.

i dont know exactly where things stand with sean c. but i think he still likes me. i told him i still like him. i went to see him the other night. we didn't do any more than hug (for a long time) but he's told me before that he just doesn't want to make the first move. i said "what if i wanted to start coming to see you more often?" and he was like "well you know where i live." by the end of the night, and into the next day, i was just stuck in confusion. i didn't know whether to think i was just trying to re-create something that used to be there but isn't there anymore, or whether to think something is still really there. that night, at the party we were at, there was another guy there who was sort of coming on to me. matt w., a guy i've known for kind of a while. he was wasted though. i rejected his advances mainly because i was there to see sean. but the next day, while being so confused about where things stand with sean (and still being sexually frustrated) i texted matt w. saying "hey sexiness." haha. then he answered immediately saying "hello who is this? i'm sorry i got a new phone." i said "liz." then he never answered. maybe an hour or so later i texted him "ha ok sorry if it was weird to say that." he never answered. maybe it's possible that sean does still like me and matt knows it and doesn't want to be a bad friend to sean. maybe he just doesn't even remember i was at that party two nights ago. maybe he was just that wasted, and therefore now he's confused by the fact that i would say anything like that to him because i never have before.

the day after i went to go see sean, sara c. texted me telling me that sean told her i'd been in town. that's not really that important. or maybe it is. i don't know.

sean m. is still just persisting in nagging me to send him sexy pictures. i told him i'm sick of the picture thing and i just want real action. he said he can't provide that now because he's all the way back up in dallas PA for winter break. then he said "would you be my model for money?" then i said "yea" and then he just expected me to start sending him stuff and reminded me that he'd offered to pay and i said "well you say you're gonna give me money but you've said you were gonna do things before that you never ended up doing," and he just never answered me.

...for the record, there was a time when i would have been insulted by him propositioning me into accepting payment from him, for sexual favors or sexy pictures or whatever. that was back when i was still living under the illusion that he and i had sentimental value to one another. i don't live under that illusion anymore however.

oh mom isn't friends with darya anymore but i still am. last week or so i went over to hang out with darya and ray one night. it was really fun catching up with them, just drinking and talking and whatnot. i love her company.

ben & peter antics

i have to have at least one entry about funny shit my little four-year-old brothers say. they're a hoot. one of their latest favorite things to say is, "a butt poops on your _____. haha. is that silly?" or "a butt poops on your _____ and then on your ______ and then you eat it! haha. is that funny?" fill-in-the-blank options: head, shoe, hand, food, drink, coffee, hat, clothes, water, etc. two nights ago some stranger came knocking on our door. dad went out to see what he wanted. he came back in and said the guy ran out of gas and his car was stuck in our driveway and he just wanted to know if we could spare some gas. dad was a little freaked out about it at first. he was afraid of getting jumped or something, i dunno, but he came back in and handed his wallet to mom and went back out to give them gas. mom was a little freaked out by it all. i guess peter sensed that. for a few minutes we were all watching from the deck as dad gave gas to those guys in the driveway. after a little while peter yelled out to them as loud as he could, "remind your own business!!!" haha. mom got a kick out of that. ....the phrase "mind your own business" doesn't even really fit in with the situation, but, i guess peter didn't realize that; he just wanted to say something that would sound tough.

a few nights ago peter split open his head on the corner of the granite countertop in the kitchen. we went to the ER. at the desk where you sign in, ben was singing, "bloody head, bloody head, get a little bloody head, bloody bloody bloody head....." and i was trying so hard not to laugh (and so was the receptionist at the front desk, i could tell). but i did. a snort came out of me. haha.

oh you know what else it is about these kids, it's like you can't do anything with them without mom and dad finding out about it. when peter went to see the doctor about his head, ben and i were waiting in the waiting room and he was bored so i played with him. i did stuff like tickle him, restrain him and tickle him; stuff like that, just to occupy him. i also gave him a wet willie for the first time ever that i recall. he just seemed to think it was really funny and wanted to do it back to me. i wouldn't let him though. the next night (or maybe that night) i heard from the other room and dad and ben were either playing or dad was helping him get ready for bed or something and dad let out a disgusted "iew!" and ben was like "well lizzy did that to me in the hospital when we took peter there for his head." then dad was just like "ok well how about if you don't do that to me." i'm sure he was thinking "thanks a lot liz." haha.

oh another thing. last week in LA i let ben have a couple sips of my coffee one day. i was just curious to see how it would taste to him. most kids don't like coffee. i was planning on just letting him have one sip. after he had one, though, he wanted more. there were just a few more sips left in the cup at that point. he finished it. since then, now and then, he requests his own cup of coffee. i tell him coffee's not for kids. he reminds me that i let him have some of mine when we were on vacation. i tell him that was just because i wanted to let him see how it tasted. he tells me "well it tastes good. so give me some." then i just tell him again that it's not for kids.

dec 17

well for a while it was like this: i only wet the bed if i've been drinking. then for the past few weeks it changed. i was wetting the bed no matter what. then the other night i saw some of my college friends for the first time in a loooooong time. i drank. i thought for sure i was going to wet the bed, and then i didn't. then i didn't wet the bed the next night either. strange. you know what else is strange? having trouble getting the munchies. last night i actually wanted to get the munchies. you know, like when you're coming down off a high and you just want to eat cuz food just tastes so heavenly, so fucking good. more than i wanted the munchies, i wanted to be socializing.... but that wasn't an option, i didn't have anyone to socialize with. i thought i'd occupy myself by having the munchies. so i got high, waited a couple hours, watched tv with parents and all, then went to the kitchen and tried to enjoy raiding the pantry and the cupboards and the fridge. there's a lot of tasty junk around too. nana & pop-pop sent a gift basket of food (a lot of which was cookies and junk like that). but somehow nothing really tasted that good. food just wasn't good. so instead of consoling myself with food i consoled myself by doing something i haven't done since i was, like, i dunno... maybe six? i fell asleep holding/feeling/fondling something silky (in this case the silky inside lining of one of my coats; when i was little i used to use one of my mom's slips). and i didn't wet the bed.

LA & santa monica

*Ben learning to skateboard

*it was a funky house we stayed in

*people feel so free here....

*Minnie's house (above)

*Mickey's house

*Mickey & Ben & Peter (above)

*Ben & Peter in Mickey Mouse's car

*Goofy's house

*the women's bathroom sign in toontown at disney




the day before our plane flight to los angeles dad asked me "you wouldn't try to bring m******** on the plane would you?" and i laughed at him as if he were being hilariously ludicrous to even begin to think such a thing. but in actuality, it would be ludicrous of anyone to presume i may think of going on a vacation without my Mary J. i got it there safe and sound too, using my anatomical hiding spot of course. no trouble, no hold-ups, no getting caught, no nothing. ...ha i did get "randomly selected" to get my "hands swabbed" to check for bomb residue tho.

I was lucky in the fact that i had an anatomical hiding spot for the stuff while  going through security. My luck went as far as to allow me to pass thru security without an issue, but it didnt go as far as to allow me to do it comfortably. The way i was walking, i imagine i probably looked severely 

constipated. i winced in mild pain as i squatted down to remove my shoes to put on the conveyor belt, and again to put them back on. It 

wasnt too long afterward, though, that my hiding spot was happily relieved of its contents (which ended up very greatly adding to 

the quality of the trip after all).

In LA there arent really cigarette butts all over the sidewalk like there are in  PA. In PA u dont feel bad about throwing ur cigarette butt on the ground cuz there's already so many there. In LA u finish a 

cigarette and the filter's in your hand and you're left thinking "where can i hide this?"

mom's been watching/looking at this cartoon online called "mompetition."  whoever created it made it like a 3d animation cartoon show.  each one is like just a couple minutes long.  it's basically about how moms beat each other up about their parenting skills and techniques.  so the way it's made is totally just like a regular 3d animation cartoon (like handy manny or something) except for the voices.  the voices are the only abnormal thing.  they're computerized.  they sound like a GPS system talking.  actually no, they're even worse than that, even more computerized-sounding.  it's freaky.  one time mom tried to show me that cartoon while i was high.  i guess it's only freaky to me when i'm high; i can tolerate it better when i'm not.  but anyway that was my reaction when i first saw it.  i just walked away cuz i was freaked out.  then last week me & my family went to disneyland.  we didn't go on the "it's a small world after all" ride but we saw it and passed it long enough for mom to remember what it was like to take me on that ride when i was little, and tell me about it.  she said i was scared to death on that ride.  i was screaming and crying.  haha.  that ride isn't even supposed to be scary.  but she told me about that and it made sense.  it's a bunch of fake little robotic children, dressed like they're from different countries from all over the world, singing that song "it's a small world after all."  there's something very disconcerting about artificial or robotic people, and artificial or robotic voices (especially when i'm high, which i couldn't have been at that age, but mom mentioned i was over-tired and hadn't had a nap when i needed one, and being in that state of mind is in some ways similar to being high or coming down off a high).

so when we were in LA last week this one night me & mom & chelsea were up drinking and we were listening to a bunch of old music (it was a station on cable or something).  then the song "don't dream it's over" by crowded house came on.  i was drunk and a little high too so that increased the effect but i became a bit overwhelmed with some kind of indescribable sentimental morose feeling (that usually comes to me when i hear that song).  i said as much to mom.  for the first time i can ever recall doing it, i told her about the feeling i get when i hear that song.  she told me that that's funny because that was the song that was always on the radio when i was a baby, in the time period right before she left my genetic father.  it was the period of time he was beating her up pretty frequently.  mom said that in that time period she knew she had to leave him but she didn't want to because she was still in love with him and she just hated the whole situation and was so depressed and frustrated by it and she would be reminded of it every time that song came on, and she still is reminded of it every time that song comes on.  then she said "i think you must have been very connected to me and felt what i felt: not because i did anything or said anything but just because you just felt things through me somehow.  it's probably similar to the way you feel how animals are feeling.  you just feel things."  i must have been only a year old when that song came out.  it was 1987.  i was born in 1986.  so maybe less than a year, i don't know exactly.

the cartel

december 2

Cigarettes get me almost as high as bud, i swear. It just wears off sooner. I 

loved the movie the girl w the dragon tattoo. I feel like i should be a writer but i dont know what i would write. Should i text sean 

asking if were still on for tomorrow?.....i dont know. I keep thinking about josh t. and what he may or may not think of me. I 

keep wondering if my podiatrist was hitting on me. I keep wondering if tiffany still thinks of me, and wondering what i am/was to 

her. I keep thinking of myself as a jack of all trades. Sara's best friend katie had a baby. I was lighting up a cigarette as i 

was driving out the driveway to go to the gym. For a couple seconds i really seriously thought the brake wasnt working and the 

car was moving forward without me wanting it to and i was terrified that my most common nightmare was coming true and then i realized 

the car wasnt moving and it was just my light-headedness messing with me.

I really think its about time there was a school of witchcraft & wizardry in the 

united states
Wanna play five finger fillet w someone. Sounds like my kinda game. Jimmy  darmidy. Anna is the al capone to my jimmy darmidy. 

december 8
santa monica CA

chelsea says: the cartel = the mexican mafia
Its a weird-ass house we're staying in. Bonding experiences last night with 
malcolm and peter and mom. I have a new theory as to why no one's ever given me an orgasm. I met this woman named greta on the plane 
ride here. The story of her and her husband reminds me so much of the story with me & sean c (except, of course, that they ended up together).

decisions

i gotta decide what's more important: saving up to get more tattoos, saving up to get more animals, or saving up to go to Burning Man

red-headed girls

ok. i can't let the fact that...

you know what's so awesome about threesomes? so much of the pressure is taken off of each person.

this girl i work with, tori..... sometimes i wonder if she likes me. but then most of the time i think she probably doesn't and i'm just reading into things too much like i usually do.

oh those kids. cant take my eyes off them for a second. i turn around and ben's holding a bottle of "glitter sparkle gel for decorating cake cookies and cupcakes" upside down over his open mouth and just swallowing down the whole tube.

i guess i have a thing for red-headed girls. there was alyssa then tiffany then tori. oh, not to mention kat of course. i still think about her semi-often.

oh alyssa emailed me this short story she wrote for one of her classes. i could tell the main character was, like, another version of herself. you know how a lot of writers do that. they take their own lives and the people in their lives and the relationships and situations in their lives and change things around a bit until they have a fictional story. so anyway the main character jazmyne was alyssa, and i think i was in there somewhere too. the character arielle was either me or kat, and if she was kat then i was the character... dani.

i miss shane finding sneaky little ways to flip me off. i miss him answering "who" questions with "barry."

big cat week is next week starting monday on national geographic channel. i saw commercials for it on tv at the gym. the commercials intrigued me. for some reason i've always liked drawing and painting big cats killing things. i saw the commercials and thought "maybe i should watch that and record it and pause it or something, right at like the best part, like in the middle of a beautiful perfect pounce, and draw that or paint it or something. maybe this is what i needed to get me motivated to start making art again." ....then again maybe that won't work. lately i haven't been drawing or painting. i've lost interest in it but probably just temporarily but not definitely temporarily. i would be more inspired to do artistic things that are useful to someone. i would draw up a tattoo design for someone. i would paint a mural for someone. i would make hemp jewelry for someone. i would make clothes for someone.

i've been making hemp jewelry lately. this one thing i made was too big to be a bracelet and too small to be an ankle bracelet and i tried it on Jenna's neck and it fit perfectly. she still has it on. it's been a couple days. it looks so cute on her.

sometimes i feel like i should be a writer but i don't know what i would write.

i really think there should be a school of witchcraft and wizardry in the united states, not just in england and france and germany.

whenever i get my tattoo equipment in the mail...hmmm. i'm pretty sure i'm going to tattoo myself. not positive though. i'm definitely going to tattoo Dopie's friend Kevin who's in the army. besides that i don't know. i have to try to find people that want me to tattoo them. but i'm still pretty sure i'm going to tattoo myself. hehe i'm pretty excited. it'll be something on my leg i guess. something colorful. something shaded. something pretty. something that i'll take a picture of later and put it on facebook and whatnot. hmhm i'm excited.

several days ago i got in touch with Sean M again. i wanted to get together with him. at first he acted like he wanted to but then the day we were supposed to hang out he blew me off and said he just wanted sexy pictures. i just ignored him. ...seems to be just more proof that that's not going anywhere.

head mulling. there were a lot of hot guys at that bar i went to with Anna, the one called Big Heads (including the bass player of the band that we went to go see). there were a couple not-bad-looking ones at Bert's in Bristol on Dopie-hosts-kinky-quizzo-night. there were a couple cute ones at the gym. then of course there's still my two Seans. i keep wondering who my next lay will be.

ha then sometimes i think maybe someday Tori would want to have a threesome with me and her boyfriend. sometimes i even think maybe Ray and Darya even would. and sometimes i think maybe Anna and her friend Mike (who's in the band we went to see at Big Heads), who she likes, would want to.

haha. me and my stupid thoughts.

oooh

ooooooh. i have a follower. i tried clicking on her name to see if there's any way of sending her a message or anything but it looks as though there's not a way. i'm curious now. do i know her?

are you out there? are you reading? can you comment?

later

*a cute chinchilla at the pet store

*a tattoo i did on Uncle Chad. it never got finished though

*a picture of me & Zak Z. as kids. his mom put that picture in a card to my mom or something

*a tattoo design i did for Marco. he didn't end up getting it though

so supposedly now jenn and alyssa are fighting. alyssa told me about it and how ridiculous jenn is being: her boyfriend chuck broke two doors in the apartment and alyssa didn't even complain about it and then over thanksgiving break jenn had the nerve to text alyssa complaining about finding moldy coffee grinds in the coffee maker. when alyssa retorted by reminding her that her boyfriend broke two doors in the house, jenn said "well i'm glad to know how you really feel about him." hahahahahaha. she is unbelievable.

last night jamie the cat was playing with a mouse outside. the mouse was still totally alive and fine. i took it from her and opened the front door to tom's apartment (inside which rosie the cat was sitting and staring longingly at the great outdoors) and tossed the mouse in there. rosie pounced on it right away. she looked like she was having fun. she never gets to play with any mice, poor thing. well last night she did tho at least. hehe.

"the kids are alright"

november 27 2010

Cut it out. Put that down. Get your hand out of there. Get off that! Can you  stop? Can you not wreck that? Can you not pull my pants down? Can you not ruin my shirt? Stop scaring the dog. Put her down. Don't 

climb on that. Can you not break my stuff? Can you not give me whiplash? Can you not break my back? Can you not pull my arms out of 

their sockets? Can you not stab him in the eye? How about if you don't hit him in the head with that. Maybe you shouldn't be 

chasing her with that. Can you not bug the shit out of me? Can you not give me a panic attack? Can you not shriek in my ear? How about 

if you don't give me a headache today. You probably shouldn't be running with that.

november 29 2010
Do ppl expect what they want or want what they expect? 
"I dont think u guys should break up. Ur too old." 
"Its nobodys fault." 
"They should have the choice whether to embrace or disown their geneticmaterial. I wanted to know my genetic material and i chose to 
dismiss it. A sperm does not make a father. Everybody always says that." 
Its so freaky. An mgmt song was on at the credits of 'the kids r alright.' would anyone want to risk being a sperm/egg donor? What if 
soomeday your kid finds u and is like 'hey i need another parental figure' and your like 'hey sorry i cant be that' or your like 
'hey sorry i would love to be that but i would never have the right to call myself ur parent cuz i wasnt there at all for any of ur 
childhood' 

Here's why i think i'll always be single. I can't even decide on my sexual  orientation. I cant stand men or women. Well when im around women too much for too long then im convinced imstraight and when im 
around men too much for too long then im convinced im gay. I cant stand either of them for too long. So my whole life ill b single or 
ill have a bf and a gf or ill b a polygamist or ill have a bf and gf and i guess i would have to b ok w them having other bfs and 
gfs.... Its like theres no middle ground. U have to either be a real parent and go thru the torture of it or not b a parent and 
never know what it was like and never know if u could have made another Life in this world and known whether u could have done something good for this 
world and for the life u created, if u made/introduced somethg good for/to either/both of them. Ultimately u have to 
decide whether or not life is a good thing. No? U dont know? Ur getting old tho. R u going to reproduce or not? If u dont then 
thats like saying u think life is a bad thing. R u saying life is a bad thing? Well then what r u doing here? What a miserable way 
to live. Life involves so much sitting around. Oh and if u donate an egg/sperm someday ur kid might call u. Ur kid might call u . Then u have choice: u can either b a jackass and say 'no i 
wont b in ur life' or u can b a bigger jackass and b like 'ok ill b in ur life and try to act like the parent i never was even tho 
thats impossible cuz i wasnt ther for ur whole childhood.'  

That movie was so freaky bc i was realizing julianne moores character was  reminding me of kat right before she said she went into architecture. Also before it was discovered thay she was one of those women who 
claimed to b gay but still craved cock. And also it was an mgmt song at the credits, right after the 2 moms were dropping their 
daughter off at college and kat like represents one of my introductions into college culture and mgmt represents that too and kat liked 
mgmt, and also mgmt was part of how me & sean bonded (and he's the one who made me realize i like women as much as men, and the movie was about 
lesbians) and he had just been in high school and i was in college and joni was in 
high school and then college and mgmt was at the credits (right as joni was starting college and the movie was ending) so its like ...... i dunno. 
it just ties things together.

Its pretty funny. I sent a text to my old boss that he didnt understand, i think  there were too many big words in it or something. He called me saying "what the fuck did that txt message mean?" and the first 
smart ass response/comeback that came to my head was one that i learned while working for him, from watching a jay and silent bob 
movie: "i dont think i could explain monosylibically enough for you to b able to understand." 

idea: 'I thought i would put this as a status update, but then later thought better of 
it' blog. U know what would b awesome is if i could just stop being so self conscious about how i looka d sound to ppl and 
then i might b a pretty good musician. U know what, what if smokers are all just ppl who could never decide whether their 
presence on the earth was a good thing or bad thing, and they could never decide whether or not to b religious? Ordered 5 3r 
needles, 5 5r needles, 5 7mags and 5 9mags. Thats at least 10 tattoos. Still deciding whether or not tattooing is for me. 
Whether its for me or not, at least for right now, i guess depends on whether, Or how fast, or if, i get 10 paying ppl to 
claim those needles (after all the most important lesson i learned from my apprenticeship is that needles and ink do expire). 
Maybe i shouldnt put that as a status, that would prob scare ppl. It does scare me a bit that i didnt figure that out earlier. 

Being a gay parent is so contradictory. U reject the route of making children but u accept children. Any children of gay parents 
r bound to feel somewhat of a degree of confusion. Oh shit i just sounded so republican. I better not repeat that statement in 
public ever. The hardly boys r so funny. The peta episode of south park is so funny. 

Sex is like a release, or a break, from life. Its so senseless and reckless and  instinctual like that. But yet u r promoting and prolonging life (potentially) by doing it. Its so contradictory. Oh how it 
contradicts itself. 

Merged onto a highway 1st time w/o panicking, 24th birthday. I dont know why stupid lil inconsequential 
regularities give me comfort: parking in the same parking spot at the gym as always, using the same locker as
always, using the same treadmill as always....stupid little things...

lisbeth salander is my new hero. Like me in so many ways. "u know so much about me but i 
know nothing about u" says the aspie girl's lover to her. she says "that's how it is." reminds me of shy saying
to me "i'm trying to get to know you. i don't know you for shit."

why are there so many laws about putting your name on someone else's work but no laws about putting someone else's name on your work? if someone could make a work of art anonymously and not put their name on it but still somehow make it publicly known, they could get away with so much plagiarism.  they could associate certain songs with certain movies or celebrities, they could do whatever they want. i love the show boardwalk empire. i'm so horny for sean (mcandrew).  ....dear underwear bomber: thank you for ruining plane travel for everyone else.  there's something i want to ask shy: i know you and i didn't click because of your whole macho man complex, but, say if i wanted to work at another tattoo place where the owner doesn't have a complex like that.... would you write me a letter of recommendation?  ...i'm sooooooo horny for sean goddamnit

november 30 2010
i kinda realized something recently: shy fired me because he knew i wanted to leave. he knew it before i even
knew it. he just could tell, and he knows i have trouble putting things in words and admitting things to people, 
admitting things to myself, admitting my own emotions to myself. he knew i wanted to leave, and he knew it before
i knew it. that's why he fired me, so i wouldn't have to quit.

nov 17

people find it horrendous when someone uses someone, like for sex or money or connections or whatever it may be. i find it horrendous that people even use each other at all, and that's what everyone does. every human does it. that's what friendships and relationships are: people using each other.

double-standard Shy, indeed.

"time to get married, Liz," said Josh. as if he were judging me. if only he knew what it was like. i would be so open to that if maybe it was with someone who doesn't need that much attention. it seems that most people find that i'm not capable of being emotionally there for them as much as they would like me to be.

i acted just like how josh acted. i had the same kind of people skills he had. we were the same person. almost identical behavior and mannerisms. they were acceptable in him but not me. alcoholic beverages were not permitted in the fridge unless they were his alcoholic beverages. all his lovers were for him and him alone.

11/29/10

last time vinny got high with me he was licking my foot kind of a lot. haha. mr. mackey. haha that south park episode "mystery of the urinal deuce" is so hilarious

nov 5 2010

I remember the first time i ever felt any attraction towards Shy. He was  tattooing someone and wanted me to watch. I was watching. He told me to come closer, so i could see exactly what he was doing. I went 

closer. Then i could smell his scent. That's when it was. It was something about his smell. 

"Me and the woodland fairies, we're living in the here and now." --will ferrell, blades of glory

lyrics or something that i wanted myself to remember: 
Take advantage while u have me out to dry, i cant c u every night. Nirvana.  Metric, ggg. Bizundea. 3 lil pigs green jelly

songs/lyrics/musicians i wanted myself to remember

Some things will never change, the strokes, dog days r over, a moment a love a  dream a laugh

Bad brains, i and i survive. The cure, burn. Hazen street, fool the world.
All the garbage youve never thrown away, sally dont like her friends
What r we waiting for, more massive attack
Give me somethg to believe in, cumbersome
Astrocreep 5000 rob zombie? Soundtrack to rock n roll
Portishead

the animals, smokestack lightning, gratefully dead. the black keys, she's long gone. (the black keys, busted.) jimi hendrix, the things i used to do. shake for me, joe louis walker. where you been, t-model ford. the air near my fingers, the white stripes. the raconteurs, carolina drama. r.l. burnside, sat down on my bed and cried. i want some more, dan auerbach. i came as a rat, modest mouse. next girl, the black keys. the black angels, better off alone.      the go getter, the black keys. don't you evah, spoon.   release me, junior kimbrough. the black keys, all you ever wanted. cage the elephant. ben harper, with my own two hands. jj grey, move it on.  same old blues again, john lee hooker. 

if you see me, black keys. i put a spell on you, ccr. nobody gets me down, t-model ford. lenny, stevie ray vaughan. scarecrow, beck. pistol blues, cashman. catfish blues, hendrix. vampire weekend.

trampled under foot, led zeppelin. go on have my way, leopold and his fiction. level, the raconteurs.  

Like a G6, bottoms up, steady as she goes, cake strangers in the night, nirvana  oh no not me we never lost control, greenday my generation 
Apples in stereo, open eyes. Killing floor, electric somethg
Smokestack lightning, she's getting/coming close to me

gettin fired

november 7, 2010

"from the beginning i knew your relationship with him was going to be temporary."--dad

"i know this is traumatic and all right now but you're way better off not working with him."--dad

ray: are you doing things my wife should be doing?

me: i'm doing things to keep my hands occupied while my mind races.

ray: oh, lizzy, the more that happens...the more i think it's always the good people that get the short end of the stick. .....but i think they end up winning out in the end. don't worry about it. everything happens for a reason. don't let your mind race on it too much.

"i'm revelling in the fact that i can give back rubs without there being severe repercussions." --me (while rubbing ray's shoulders, referring to the fact that shy got jealous when i rubbed anyone's back but his and that's partly why i got fired)

"i'm considering starting smoking cigarettes again." --me

"someone like you, who.....mild-mannered, not a malicious bone in your body......working with him? a criminal, who..... everything about him is offensive."

i keep trying to figure out what i want in this life. a lot of times i come to the conclusion that i just don't want to have to make my own decisions. it's too stressful. that's why i'm so submissive most of the time.

the day i got "fired," and talked to mom on the phone, i told her about how tug doesn't work and he's living off this settlement he got from being hit by a car when he was a teenager. then i said "it's funny cuz i always thought that he and i were so alike, and then i would think 'well, how come i made it in the working world and he didn't?' well, i didn't."

was this his plan all along? was that the only reason he ever took me on as his apprentice? to get laid?

would i ever do him again? i dunno. i dunno.....maybe if it was just one of those days i was really really horny. he is still damn sexy, but, i just don't think of him exactly the same way anymore....

something good just occured to me: i can do house calls again. i don't represent that business anymore. i'm not stuck in morrisville (where i don't have connections & don't know people) anymore. i have my knowledge from my apprenticeship. that seems to be all i really need. once i have all my own equipment i can just pack it all up sometimes and drive out to West Chester and tattoo my West Chester friends again!!!

.....but there is a bit of hurt

.....but there is a bit of relief

i've been wondering, off and on, if maybe i wasn't going to actually be fired until i said "am i being fired? it's ok."

he said "it does make a difference."

i smoked two newports last night. they fuck me up more than pot. it just lasts for a shorter period of time.

i miss Dopie.

why do i have to worry about smoking cigarettes? i don't have a reason to live long anyway, i don't plan on having kids.

dad thinks that shy probably told all his employees not to call me or talk to me.

the thing about newports--i only take one or two hits, then i want to put it down and finish the rest later.

how can a woman get by in this world and stay sane without just thinking of men as the inferior gender?

late october

oct 24, 2010

Ohh. Just ate 15 pieces of gummy gruesome body parts candy. Gonna be kinda  lethargic for awhile. Sometimes when i wipe or scratch my nose, and then smell the smell of the oils or something that were on my skin 

and now they're on my finger from scratching my nose, that smell usually smells just like tim, or just exactly like a smell that 

i really associate with him.  Sometimes my sweaty clothes smell just like his too. Its just funny. Getting reminded of my 

biological father every time i smell my own body odors. Oh wow i was going to watch some tv before bed but now i might just be too tired 

even for that. Ugh. Candy. I think i may have figured out how to put it in words, the main difference between me and most people. Most 

people's life goals are basically to be Successful and secure and to not feel alone, whereas my life goal is to find out 

and figure out as much as i can about the world before my time on it is spent. ...i may edit or retract that statement later. 

...the song 'free bird' by lynyrd skynyrd makes me feel a little bit nauseous every time i hear it. It's just sickeningly sad. Oh 

you know what else is sickening, the torture scene in 'reservoir dogs,' a movie i finally saw today and have been meaning to see 

for a while. ...why are my juices coming out so thick and white today? I dont know if it's been like that before...well i guess it has 

but not in a while...or it has but i didnt notice...anyway it was a little while later after reading a bunch of very 

descriptive sex tips in cosmo, maybe that had something To do with it. ...tommy sold shane's car to someone when it wasnt his to sell, 

and sold it for twice as much as he got it for. It was supposed to be tiffany's car. Then supposedly he spent all the money on 

drugs. I dont know what kind tho. Shane wants to beat his ass. I think he's not our piercer anymore, or if he is he has to just come 

in to work when shane's not there or he'll get beat up. ...Yesterday i became aware of the camera on the ceiling at work, and the fact that 

Shy can see what it's seeing from his computer at home. Shy wasnt at work yesterday. At the end of the night he was talking to 

josh on the phone. When they hung up josh said shy told him to tell me to stop waving at the camera. That just got me a bit flipped 

out and paranoid. Josh and shane were pretty amused by that. Shane told me "i'm pretty sure shy only said that to make you be 

how you're being right now." ...i never waved at the camera. Was there ever a time when i looked like i was waving at it? I asked 

shane if there was more than one camera. He said no, not that he knows of. If there was a camera in the back of the shop it would've seen me lifting up my 

shirt and checking for belly flab in the mirror numerous times. 

oct 30, 2010

Yay ive been doing such a good job not eating. Lost a few pounds in the last few  days. I gained weight prior to that, y'know cuz of it getting cold and all. I was lookin like a fatass. I wanted to get the weight 
off again. I wanted to get laid again. Yesterday and today tho, dont really feel like im in the mood. I guess its not my horny 
time of the month maybe?...last night was the halloween party, it was pretty damn fun. Haha. Hahaha. Yesterday at work, near 
the end of the work day i was just in a really bad mood. It may have been just cuz i missed a couple days of my zoloft but at one 
point i just started crying...for no reason. Then a little while later i snapped out of it tho. 

oct 31, 2010

Tim b. said he wants me to tattoo him. Doris wants me to tattoo her. Marco  made me think he wanted a tattoo but then he didnt. Out of nowhere 2 nights ago kat k. texted me asking me for nude photos. I 
just answered saying "obviously someone else has kats phone." 2 nights ago i talked to mom about the fact that i dont think i 
should have kids, snd the fact that whenever she gets drunk she says something like "i'll never have grankids" or "this rat vinny is 
the only grandchild ill ever have," like she's sad about it or something. Anyway we discussed it. She said in all seriousness she 
agrees that i shouldnt have kids. She doesnt want me to feel like i have to. But she wants me to consider donating an egg. She has someone's sperm in mind 
that she wants it to be matched up with. I said "who?" and she said "who do you think?" and then i said "but you're not a man." 
and she laughed and said "no, chris." 

long dragging wait

from my scalp will they pluck out a follicle of hair.

they'll want to be quite certain there's no traces of you there.

i'll wait for you, my love, with your green-brown-orange fuzz and our bond will be as pure and strong as once it ever was. You with your celestial pristine crystalline complexion, 

the closest thing these  eyes have ever seen to true perfection. 

Your essence (at one time not quite my favorite i confess), 

is now the best solution  for a bout of loneliness. i'll wait for you for quite as long as time demands to take and in the end with your support my peace of mind will wake. For count on it or bet on it, wherever i may roam,  it's you and only you who makes me feel the most at  home. 

For now if i intoxicate i must resort to drink, 

which does not much but add disquiet to the way i think. I who hath no temper that acquaintances could speak of,  will pick a fight with someone when Jack Daniels do I reek of. 

One plus is without you i've lost a bit of weight in fact,  but also my neuroticism still remains intact. overstimulation and anxiety reign true, when days are made to pass me by without a trace of you. 

And when the day doth come that we can both again rejoice, 

the fact the wait had been so long will give depth to your voice. Twill be a day to remember for the rest of my long days, 

when you could come to once again surround me with your haze.