something i wrote in november
be a housecat, or be an alleycat? ...i don't like always eating sick dirty mice but i don't like never feeling challenged either. maybe i'll just be a house cat for a while but lay off the local healthy neighborhood mice, give them a chance to procreate and populate; then eventually they will spread to the alleyways. healthy mice will run in overabundance. with all them around it won't be cool to eat sick mice anymore. those alleycats will see what jerks they were, calling me a wuss for not wanting to eat sick mice.
jan 4
keep thinking of things.
while i was jogging.... i thought of an imaginary world where me and Jason L. were famous for something or other and we were being interviewed by someone for something, like for the E! channel or something. we were being interviewed about our lives and how we met. oh, and in this world we were a couple. the interviewer was asking me about how jason and i first met, and when and how and why did i first realize i liked him? i had so much fun thinking of how i would answer that question. ...my head goes to places like this when i jog.
the whole thing with my family breaking up with the taskers. well it's good and bad. i mean it's sad obviously but i keep thinking of the time when alana went up to darya and said "jace hit me with the flashlight!" and she said "you need to be careful around your brother. you know how hyper he gets. that's why i gave the flashlight to you and not him." i've been judging her parenting methods now and then ever since then. jace is hyper. ok. so that means there's not any consequences to him hurting people? he can just go around and do whatever the fuck he wants with no consequences? sometime it'll be more like "jace shot me in the kneecap and now i can't walk!" and darya saying "well you know how hyper he gets with that BB gun, that's why i gave it to you not him. you should find a better hiding spot for it. why don't you saw a secret trap door into the floor in your closet? oh, what? you haven't done that by now? what the hell's wrong with you? here's the saw. get started. ....and don't let your brother have it, you know how hyper he gets he might maim you. and i don't want to hear a word about it if he does!"
jan 7
mom says you can't mess around with nana anymore. we were in the car on the way to her house to visit her and nana called my mom's cell phone and she said something i couldn't hear and then mom said "oh, did you think we were coming today?" then there was a pause and a chuckle and mom said "we're on the turnpike." then there was a bit more talking then they hung up. after mom got off the phone she said "well you really can't mess around with nana anymore. i said 'did you think we were coming today?' and she just said 'oh now when was it?'. then i said 'we're on the turnpike' and she said 'oh so it was today!!'."
there are several songs that i would always rather hear played by kat than by their original singers, and i can't ever help but think that when those certain songs come on the radio. there's this one oasis song "so sally can wait" (i don't know if that's the real title) and this one avril lavigne song "complicated" and of course there's paramore songs too.
jan 11
....it's because of reading about tommy pitera yesterday. he's a famous mob guy from the 90's who had a book written about him called "the butcher." he was supposedly not a serial killer but a mob guy (cuz apparently you can't be both at the same time?) but yet he had the blood lust and killing addiction of a serial killer. ...sometimes i get semi-fascinated by these kinds of stories and read up about them or watch movies/documentaries about them even though i know it's likely going to give me bad dreams. then, inevitably, it gives me bad dreams and then i don't read about stuff like that again for a long time. .....oh you know what it was that really shocked me about tommy pitera? when i was reading about him and then the paragraph said something referring to "his wife." that just floored me. i was thinking "what? his wife! someone married him? someone MARRIED someone like that?!!!!" .....so maybe that's why i dreamt of shy being a killer. he's married (or separated or whatever he is now; i saw on facebook that kelley changed her status from 'married' to 'single').
jan 12
aw man. i was just overcome with this overwhelming feeling of missing tiffany. this overwhelming feeling of.... haha well i told this story about tiffany to darya the other night. for a while i was kind of suspecting she had a crush on me. she even got drunk with me one night and told me she needed a "pussy sandwich." ....i've always found her to be stunningly attractive. i would hit that in an instant. thing is.... yea when i was just first getting to know her this one day we were in the tattoo shop (which always had a bunch of books in it filled with pictures of tattoos on people in all kinds of different places on them) and she was looking at this one tattoo book and i heard her say "well that's the grossest lookin' puss i've ever seen." i was instantly curious to see. i looked at it. i didn't find it really remarkable or worth commentary in either direction. i said "what about it?" she said, ".....the roast beef factor, the curtain factor...." so anyway ever since then i've just been thinking "ok so she doesn't like when they're big? oh... ok. i guess i shouldn't ever really consider pursuing her then." and that's exactly what i was thinking the night she told me she needed a "pussy sandwich": "but what if she doesn't like mine?" ...thus i was always too afraid to pursue her. plus there's the fact that she does have a boyfriend (who i'm not attracted to by the way). ...she showed other signs of liking me. this one time on a slow day at work i was talking on the phone to my best friend sara from west chester. i guess i was taking a long time on the phone, and i was overheard expressing how much i missed her or something. by the time i was done on the phone several of my coworkers were curious. "liz do you have a boyfriend?" they said. i just laughed and said "no that was my best friend sara." and the look that tiffany gave me must have translated into something like "how could you??" ohh, that look. that terrible accusatory look.
so last night i started thinking about the fact that i've only really had big crushes on a couple girls.... kat and tiffany. well there was alyssa too but in my mind she goes under the 'friend' category now. i also sort of liked that girl amanda before but i didn't really ever get very many chances to talk to her. and of course there was kelley but she seemed not to be exactly what/who i thought she was after i got to know her more. anyway, only two really big long-lasting girl crushes. it got me thinking about what exactly attracts me to a girl. ...i like girls with attitudes. haha i don't know exactly why i just like when they're bitchy and maybe a little bossy. it makes me wanna be like "come here you badass bitch, show me how bad you can be." hahahahahahaha. feels so weird admitting that.
you know the pain-in-the-ass thing about bisexuality? well when you're straight you can talk to so many of your female friends about whatever crushes you may have, but when you're bisexual... you have to hesitate a little more. you get a little afraid of potentially making one of your friends jealous, or making one of your friends think "if she's into girls then why isn't she into me?!" you know?
before i forget--
mom: "it's time to get ready to go to your art class."
ben: "but i don't know how to art!"
ben: "i want some parmesan cheese." (dad gives him a handful and he throws it in a bowl of water [trying to invent a recipe])
peter: "i want some parmesan cheese."
dad: "that's it. that's enough. it's not for wasting."
peter: "i'm not gonna waste it. i'm not benjamin, i'm peter."
among things i never thought i would hear myself saying: "hey! it's time to stop doing that with your penis and sit down on the couch or else you're not gonna get any stories and it's bedtime."
"yes, that is his sister covered in glitter in the background. and, 'a couch?' you ask. yes, that is my couch also covered in glitter, 'the herpes of crafting supplies.' " --charlotte, sh*t my kids ruined
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