estranged

what a pointless day.

if getting laid has positive health effects then there's definitely negative ones when it stops happening. ....not that it's only about the sex. if it was only about the sex then i would go and have it with someone else (someone who's been making himself very available to me and being very clear and forthright about it) instead of just being bummed out about this guy. ....not that i should be making such a big deal about it. should i? it's not like i know for a fact that he doesn't want to see me again; i just know he didn't answer his phone the other night and didn't return the call either.

last night i had a dream about a goldfish getting stuck in my eyeball. it got in through the pupil somehow. it just jumped really hard out of the water and right at my face, hit my eyeball and instead of bouncing off it and falling back into the water, actually squeezed its body into my eyeball through the pupil. i was very worried about it suffocating in there. i kept trying again and again to squeeze it back out, to no avail. i was still trying when i woke up.

last night dad wanted to watch 'inception' with me. he and i and mom all started to watch it. it just didn't seem to be grabbing me. i really just wanted to be left alone to sulk about friday night turning out so lame and about jason not calling me back. did i ever actually really explain that? thursday i texted him telling him i would be in town friday night to hang out with some people and asked him if he wanted to come. he said he still didn't know yet and to call him when i was in town. i did. he didn't answer.

wouldn't it really suck if it turned out that he actually reads this blog and knows that it's me and that's why he's blowing me off (cuz it creeps him out that i write about him)? haha. it really would. that seems pretty unlikely though.

so today i went out to go apply for jobs at Rita's and Dunkin Donuts. i was going to go to Rita's first. i got partway there and realized i didn't really want to be working at Rita's or Dunkin Donuts. i turned around and went back home. i sat in the driveway for awhile and then thought "hey i haven't seen those people at the grooming salon in a long time, i should go see them just to say what's up." so i drove there and then they were closed. turns out they're closed on sundays. i guess i must have known that before but forgot. so then i came back home. on the drive back i thought of talking to sara c. i wanted to call her but then what would i tell her about friday night? i had told her i would be in town that night and asked if she wanted to hang out and she said maybe i think and to call her when i was in town. i ended up not calling her. would she be pissed off about that? and why didn't i call her? i guess maybe because i figured she usually doesn't stay up late and she had work the next day. or maybe.... i just didn't think of her. or i just had already decided that the night was turning out to be lame because caitlin couldn't stay up very late and megan and lindsay ended up not coming out to hang out and jason never called me back and tug was just hanging out at this college kid party full of 18- and 19-year-old kids and i felt out of place there and nothing was going to make the night better, not even sara, so i didn't call her.

anyway what was i talking about? i was on my way home today in the car. i felt pretty down. i wanted to talk to someone. i thought of calling sara but then i didn't because i thought she might be pissed off that i didn't call her on friday night when i was in town. i called darya. she didn't answer. i called tim brown to see if he still wanted me to tattoo him. i got a recorded message that said 'this phone number is temporarily out of service.' i got home and i had nothing else to do so i just went upstairs and laid down in bed and drifted in and out of sleep for the rest of the day.

the other night tom told me the story of how his dad died. he told me more things about his estranged brother too.