jenna's femur

The trampoline's bent. Jenna somehow broke her femur into 3 different pieces.  She just got back from having surgery. The medical center said they've never seen this kind of injury in a cat, only in dogs. Today 

when i was texting tori i asked her whats going on w her and lenny, if they hooked up lately & whatever. 

She said no they havent and lately it seems like he doesnt have time for her or something. Then she said "i would like it if u 

kissed me tho :)" and i said "really?...cuz so would i." she said "yay :)." i said "would u wanna do anything else or u just like the 
kissing part the best" and she said "like what explainnn :)" and i said "like could i feel your boobs or finger you" and she said "yeah" and i said "fun fun fun" and she said "yea it would b" and i said after a while "wow im just kinda really speechless 
right now" and she answered ";)". Then all day long i kept thinking about it. I was probably over-thinking it, like i do with a lot 
of things. I was wondering if she wanted us to be girlfriends. I was trying to imagine what 
it would be like if we were a couple. I was wondering if now i shouldnt hook up with this guy i think i might like, this guy 
i met the other day named Lan. He's Darya's cousin and i gave him a celtic cross tattoo on his left tricep and it was one of the 
best i've done yet.

I just like how Lan doesnt pussyfoot around things. He's straightforward and to  the point. He's easy to understand that way.  I like that he has OCD too.  I just think it would be cool to be with someone else who also has some kind of disability or mental difference.

oh anyway but then today Tori was talking about Mike again and how she's been upset because she's confused because she doesn't know if they should still be broken up or not because he's being soooo nice to her lately because he wants her back.  anyway so i guess i don't have to worry about being exclusive with her.

she's been calling and texting me less in the last few days.  i'm just going to guess it's because she needs less emotional support than she did when she was going through a breakup.  also today's her mom's birthday so i guess she's focused on that.

last night i had this weird dream that she dumped me as her friend.  ....i guess that's a fear of mine.  i guess i've just been so much happier ever since i've had her as a friend that it makes me scared of the idea of her not needing me anymore.

oh yeah needless to say her brother is now definitely out of the picture.

3/19

he's got a wart down there.

insistent

so the other night i was over at tori's house. i was in her room and one of her brother's friends walked in and told tori something and then she left the room and i guess went to jake's room. a minute or two later she was back and told me he wanted my number. i went over to his room. he was laying in bed and said he didn't feel that good. we chatted for a while and exchanged numbers. i don't know how we got on this topic but he ended up telling me that he used to get in a lot of fights. i guess i looked surprised and said,

"really?!" in an incredulous tone.

"yeah, why?" he said. "someone like that doesn't sound like your kind of guy?"

"i don't know. i don't know what my kind of guy is. i've never had a guy."

"never had a guy?!" he said, raising his eyebrows. "why not?! really?"

"yeah, i don't know. i'm just a loner."

"well, not for long."

"i don't know. people are always saying, like, i don't pay enough attention to them or something. i don't know, i don't know what it is."

"well, we'll check it out and see how it goes."

then we chatted a little longer about other stuff, i forget what. i felt kind of awkward because it was like we had already hooked up and now he was trying to get to know me or something. i went back into tori's room and he ended up going in there after a little while and we all hung out and talked and then when it was getting late, tori and jake's parents started texting them and complaining that they could hear us all talking and it was waking them up.

tori and lenny and i went out to run some kind of errand and then when we came back tori said i should probably just go because she was afraid of getting in trouble if i came back in. i said "ok," hugged her goodbye and she and lenny went back in. i was in my car and jake called and said,

"why you leaving? don't you wanna sleep over?"

"yeah," i said, "but tori's afraid of getting in trouble if i go back in."

he tried to tell me tori was wrong and i could come back and nobody was going to get in trouble. i told him that i just do what tori says because it's a best friend code of conduct. he said he understood. then he called again later when i was already back home and in bed. he said,

"do you wanna come back over? it's ok. it's ok with tori, too, i'll prove it. i'll put her on the phone and she'll tell you." but at that point i was already laying in bed and starting to fall asleep and i didn't want to get up again and drive all the way over there. i was too tired. i just told him that. we said good night and hung up.

then the next day i was over at tori's house and saw jake. he hugged me when he saw me and said hi, but then the rest of the time i was there, he was acting weird. whenever i would walk into a room he was in or he walked into a room i was in, i looked at him, he looked at me and then looked away. then he ended up leaving the house with his friend to go play basketball. he didn't say goodbye.

i left him a note on his bed saying,

"last night i really wanted to sleep over but i just was too tired. maybe it sounds like i'm making shit up but i'm not, i really just can't function without a certain amount of sleep. i still want you though, you're so fuckin' yummy :)."

then yesterday i texted him,

"happy st pattys sexy." he didn't answer. a few hours later i texted him,

"hi am i bothering you." he didn't answer until this morning. he texted me saying,

"hey sorry i was sleeping and no you're not bothering me." a little later i answered,

"ha ok. i wish i just slept over the other night." he hasn't answered yet.

anyway, haha, yeah i guess he's punishing me or getting back at me or something. either that or he really lost interest. i don't know.

the truth is that i really was just going to stop talking to him after the other day because i was too afraid that tori wasn't cool with it. i didn't want her getting jealous or grossed out or anything, and what if she liked me as more than a friend? i wanted to be available just in case. but now these last couple days she's had less time for me (or so it seems), and whenever we do talk it's about her latest guy lenny. so as soon as that pattern started, that's when i texted jake,

"happy st pattys sexy." i guess i was thinking,

"well, fine, if that's how it's going to be... well then guess what, i have a new boyfriend too." then he never answered and i started thinking,

"what if he can tell i only hit him up when his sister can't hang out?" what if he can tell and that's why he's mad or hurt or whatever and didn't answer me all day yesterday. well, is that wrong? is that wrong when the boyfriend plays second fiddle to the best friend? i don't know. maybe to him it's wrong. i guess it's very possible. tori says that her mom worships and babies him and never punishes him for anything, so, maybe that's what he's used to and therefore what he wants. i don't know. why do i care? i only hooked up with him in the first place because he was so insistent on it.

the other night

So the other night jake was sitting in his room with his friends and then tori and i walked in and he said something like, 

"yeah there's my sister!" gesturing at her, "and there's my future wife," pointing at me. 

"really," i said. 

"ok i guess not," he said.

then later in the night, in front of everybody as we were all drinking and smoking, he said something like, 

"hey tori, you and your man and me and liz, we should all go out somewhere sometime and hang out or eat or something." 

"i dont have a man," said tori. 

"well get a new one."

"yea cuz its really just that simple."

"ok," said jake, looking at me, "well do u wanna go? Wanna go out with me? wanna go on a date?"

"but i'm old," i said (he's only nineteen).

"well so what? just cuz i'm young your not gonna go out with me? What difference does age make? Come on."

"well the other thing is, tori is my new best friend and she's everything i ever dreamed of having in a best friend so if u and i were hookin up then the next time i'm over here she's gonna be like 'oh, what, are you here to see me or my brother?' and then that'll just fuck everything up." 

tori laughed and said, "wow none of my other friends would've ever admitted that." then she looked at jake and said, 

"so she does wanna hook up with you."

i just didn't say anything and the subject was changed or something. We were snorting some lines too and tori said, 

"let liz snort one." 

"just one cuz i can't pay you back for more than that," i said.  

jake sort of affectionately fondled my chin and said, 

"you don't have to pay for anything." 

a little while later i went out with tori to go run some kind of errand, i think to go buy a blunt or something. Before we left jake made me hug him goodbye even though we were coming right back. I hugged him and he said, 

"gimme a kiss too." 

i kissed him on the cheek and he said, 

"no a real one, just one real one." 

i think he turned my chin and i smiled and kissed him on the lips. 

Later that night he was telling me all this stuff about how much he liked me and how he knew right away and there was just something about me and he's really picky about girls and he knew right away he wanted to be with me. He was saying stuff like, 

"i would be so honored and happy to be with you. I was gonna ask you to, well i kinda wanted to, well i kinda just already did." 

i just giggled and didn't know what to say (i wasn't going to agree to be with someone i just met). Then he was saying stuff like, 

"i'm already in--well not love, not yet, but almost. Pretty close. And if we never end up getting married and end up breaking up someday well whatever at least we gave it a shot. And i know your parents will like me. I know how to be polite and courteous and stuff." 

then when we were back at my house, tori was hooking up with jake's friend lenny and then jake and i ended up hooking up.

before jake and i really hooked up, but after he had already kissed me on the lips a couple times, tori was acting a little pissy with me.  i asked her about it.  i asked her if anything was wrong.  she said, 

"no!! what?!" 

but then a little later we ended up talking privately and she said, 

"you can hook up with my brother if you want.  it's ok.  he's hot.  i know.  and i know you're not the kind of person who would just use me to get to my brother.  i know you're not like that, it's fine."  

i fervently reassured her that i would never do that, and that she is way more important to me than he is.  then everything was better.

oh she and mike broke up, by the way, maybe like a week ago.  since then she hooked up with some psycho kid named kevin for a few days, then realized he was psycho and stopped seeing him and now she's hooking up with her brother's friend lenny.  

the other night she and i watched "jennifer's body."  in that movie these two girls are best friends but one of them pretty much worships the other one and has a crush on her.  watching that i was sort of thinking "is tori trying to hint at something by showing me this movie?"  ahahaha.  probably not.  whenever the character jennifer, who was posessed by a demon, would do something fucked up to or in front of her friend neeti (or whatever her name was), tori would say,

"i would run as far away from you as i could, liz!"

haha it kind of just makes me wonder why she automatically pictures me as jennifer and her as neeti.  why not the other way around?  jennifer is this sexy slutty bitchy bossy babe who's always hanging out with the dorky girl neeti and bosses her around.  neeti even ditches her own boyfriend a lot in the movie to hang out with jennifer.  

anyway whether tori likes me as a friend or more than a friend, whatever, i'm just happy that she's in my life.  she seems pretty happy about it too.  she's expressed her love for me on several occasions and told me she basically considers me to be like her girlfriend except that we don't hook up, but in every other way i'm her girlfriend.  it made me so happy to hear her say that.  maybe i just would never hook up with jake again if tori didn't want me to.  maybe i would just never even hook up with anyone ever again if she didn't want me to.  maybe i would just do whatever the hell she wants me to do for the rest of my life as long as she would stay in my life and keep the relationship just exactly how it is.  she makes me so happy.  she completes me. 

as for jake, i just don't really know what to think of him.  what kind of guy brings up serious stuff like that (marriage and meeting parents) to a girl just the second time he ever hangs out with her?  what am i supposed to think of that?  how am i supposed to react to that?  i almost want to do research online about guys like that so i can find out what is psychologically wrong with them, or if there is anything wrong.

noticing

you know what the funny thing about pain is? you always notice when it starts but don't really ever notice exactly when it stops. i don't know why it's like that. it just is. you have whatever kind of pain, take some pain killers, keep waiting for them to kick in, then get distracted by something else and then eventually like an hour or an hour and a half later you're like "oh yeah, didn't i used to have chest/stomach/head/uterus pain a little while ago? it's totally gone now. it must've been gone for at least a half hour, i just didn't notice."

entry from march 5

Deer meat smells more like the earth and the forest than any other meat ive ever  smelled. If anything would tempt me it would be that. ....but then again if the deer is my spirit animal then if i ate one that would be like being a cannibal.  iew.

entry from feb 26

entry from feb 26

ok so i'm going to tell this story about recent correspondences between me and sean m, but i don't know why because it's almost the same exact story that's happened between us like dozens of times before.

so on valentines day at around 10 pm sean m texted me saying "happy valentines  day." i never answered him.  About a week later, late at night, he texted me "hey babe."  at first i considered just never 

answering any of his text messages ever again, but then i just decided to basically tell him i didnt want to talk to him anymore.  I 

texted him saying "i just dont get the point of my life right now. I have to figure that out before i can have a guy in it." that wasnt 

really exactly the reason--or was it? It was true that day i was just kind of feeling really down and didnt see the point of my 

life but i didnt want to talk to him ne more bc of the fact that he objectified me and that hurt me.  I guess i just didnt feel 

like explaining that or something.  Or maybe i just really wanted to tell someone at that moment that i didnt see 

the point of my life. I wanted to release that information. I wanted to feel a release.  I dont know why i expected that he 

might try to say something that would make me feel better.  I have no idea why i expected that. It was pretty silly of me. He's 

already done so many things in the past to show me he doesnt care about me. Anyway he answered "just... dont talk to me ne more."  

that made me cry.  Maybe it wasnt even that though.  Maybe i just was already feeling really down that day and wanted to cry, and it 

was his txt message that pushed me over the edge.  Then really late that night he texted me "i still want to give u something."  Then the next night he texted me "rawr."  in the morning i answered "what."  

then the next night (last night) really late--like 4 am--he texted me "i just dont get why its such a problem to meet up."  today i 

texted him saying "do u really want me to explain or r u just going to say 'dont talk to me ne more'?"  he hasnt answered yet.

i thought i jut had an epiphony

but maybe its not an epiphone, maybe it just sounds stupid. mom seems to think it does, judging by the bored expression on her face and the way she irritatedly sauntered out of the room (with a sort of a pout, or something that's not a pout but kind of like it). anyway heres the epiphony

yo i just figured out the real and true reason that i've really been vegan and/or vegetarian all these years:

when you consume the remains of vertebrates you consume other previous existences and you're subconsciously reliving their memories and its a bit overwhelming.

youre consuming conscious lives. their memories. therefore its overwhelming. plants dont tend to have memories qkuite as much. not really conscious ones at that (so it's not overwhelming to eat them).