putting ancient info into words

mom: "so, what, you just ignored them for the last hour and a half and let them spread lucky charms all over ben's room and put tupperware in his room?"

me: "i saw that he brought tupperware upstairs; i just thought 'ok next time i need tupperware i'll just go upstairs and get it.' and they got cereal all over their room earlier today; i made them vacuum it."

mom: "i'm just so sick of his [Dad's] shit, him getting upset over every fucking goddamn-ass little thing."

--later--

mom (to dad):"who gives a flying goddamn-ass fuck? i could rip my heart out of my own chest with my own hand."

hmmmm. should i worry? last time they fought, last week, mom started telling dad to get all his stuff out of their room. they made up though. what if they don't this time?

last night was the first night of the year that there was a toad hopping outside. today was the first day of the year that i was overcome with how much of the color green was all around me as i walked up the driveway to take the trash cans up. the other day was the first day of the year that there were dandelions blooming all over the whole yard. the other night was the first night of the year that it was comfortable to wear a tank top outside at night.

i was thinking about dopie off and on the last couple months or weeks, wondering if i might have missed or overlooked or underappreciated him or a chance with him or something like that.

yesterday i finally figured out the reason why i've always been at least semi-hesitant to pursue him: he seems to care too much about projecting a certain image to people. he thinks too much about what he looks like.

i've figured something else out recently. no, i haven't figured it out, it's just that i finally put it into words in my head and therefore am finally capable of speaking, writing or typing those words. it's almost like some kind of channel has been opened or something. i'm on a roll figuring out how to put things in words, things i've known for a long time. i can't tell if they are things worth saying or things that have any value to anyone whatsoever, but i'm having fun putting these thoughts in words, these thoughts that have been in my head for years but that i never put into words before.

so something i figured out/put into words/remembered recently is the fact that i need there to be some times in my life when no one in the world knows where i am, no one except for me. in order to feel totally free that's just what i need. i guess that's why i came up with what i called "sneaking time" when i was little and i would get up in the middle of the night when everyone else was in bed. i wouldn't do anything special really, just eat or drink something or watch tv or read a book or write in my journal or go walking outside or spy on people as they slept. it was just knowing that i was the only one awake, the only one in the house/family. it was a nice feeling.

sometimes i have dreams of being trapped in tim's house.

the other day i flushed a stink bug down the toilet and then instantly regretted it. they do no harm to us. they were imported from japan or china. they have no natural predator here so they over-populated. it's not their fault. that night i had this dream that there was this creepy bug and i started to squish and kill it and then as i did, it turned into a beautiful exotic-looking bug, the kind of bug that's so valuable and rare and precious that no-one looking at it would want to squish it. but i had already started to and having started and then stopped, i hadn't killed it but injured it. one of its body segments was sort of half-stuck onto the surface of the table. the bug couldn't move as well anymore. it would never be the same again.

denise told me about her trip to india and how excruciating it was and the worst part of it was that she never got any time to be by herself. she eventually started lying to the people running her group (of travellers/observers). she would start to say she didn't feel good and had to lay down in bed. that was the ONLY way she could ever get any peace or quiet or time to herself. it reminded me that i did almost the same thing on my europe trip. i took one day. one day out of the ten days. one day out of ten i stayed in the hotel and relaxed instead of going with my group all over the city to see all different museums and architecture. it wasn't just that i needed to relax and be alone, it was also that i was starting to feel a little bit of a cold coming on. you know how sometimes you can catch it in time and just rest all day the day after the night you feel it and then that way you can stop it in time and you won't get a cold? well that's what i did. it's a good thing i did too. that was one of the best days of the whole trip. it absolutely was. i also keep thinking of the time that my art history teacher/group leader, months after the fact, changed my grade on a whim (for the trip/journal) from an F to an A. it was in her office when she was talking to me about how to become an art history professor because i had expressed interest in it. ....yeah i guess i just wouldn't have ever graduated when i did if i didn't happen to have that little discussion with her in her office that day.

oh here's something else i can put into words now: it's the reason that i talk slow. before i say every word or sentence, i think of all the different ways that the sentence i'm trying to say can be structured and i'm thinking of all the different words i could use for whatever idea or thing i'm trying to explain

"it's the reason that i talk slow"

"it's the reason that i talk slowly"

"it's the reason i talk slow"

"it's the reason i talk slowly"

"it's the reason for the fact that i talk slow"

"it's the reason for the fact that i talk slowly"

"it's the reasoning behind the fact that i talk slow"

"it's the reasoning behind the fact that i talk slowly"

"it's the reason behind me talking slowly"

"it's the story behind me talking slowly"

"it's the reason i don't speak very fast"

"it's the reason that i don't speak very fast"

"it's the reason i don't talk very fast"

"it's the reason i don't talk that fast"

"it's the reason i don't talk very quickly"

"it's the reason i'm not a very quick talker"

"it's the reason i'm not a really quick talker"

"it's the reason i'm not a very fast talker

"it's the reason i'm not a really fast talker

"it's the reason that i'm not a very quick talker"

"it's the reason that i'm not a really quick talker"

"it's the reason that i'm not a very fast talker"

"it's the reason that i'm not a really fast talker"

"it's the reasoning behind me not talking that fast"

"it's the reasoning behind me not speaking that fast"

"it's the reasoning behind me not talking that quickly"

"it's the reasoning behind me not speaking that quickly"

"it's the reason i don't talk a mile a minute, it's usually the opposite"

......and so on.

every time i'm trying to formulate these sentences i'm trying to say as i'm speaking or attempting to think and speak at the same time, i'm making these big huge decisions.