later

*a cute chinchilla at the pet store

*a tattoo i did on Uncle Chad. it never got finished though

*a picture of me & Zak Z. as kids. his mom put that picture in a card to my mom or something

*a tattoo design i did for Marco. he didn't end up getting it though

so supposedly now jenn and alyssa are fighting. alyssa told me about it and how ridiculous jenn is being: her boyfriend chuck broke two doors in the apartment and alyssa didn't even complain about it and then over thanksgiving break jenn had the nerve to text alyssa complaining about finding moldy coffee grinds in the coffee maker. when alyssa retorted by reminding her that her boyfriend broke two doors in the house, jenn said "well i'm glad to know how you really feel about him." hahahahahaha. she is unbelievable.

last night jamie the cat was playing with a mouse outside. the mouse was still totally alive and fine. i took it from her and opened the front door to tom's apartment (inside which rosie the cat was sitting and staring longingly at the great outdoors) and tossed the mouse in there. rosie pounced on it right away. she looked like she was having fun. she never gets to play with any mice, poor thing. well last night she did tho at least. hehe.

"the kids are alright"

november 27 2010

Cut it out. Put that down. Get your hand out of there. Get off that! Can you  stop? Can you not wreck that? Can you not pull my pants down? Can you not ruin my shirt? Stop scaring the dog. Put her down. Don't 

climb on that. Can you not break my stuff? Can you not give me whiplash? Can you not break my back? Can you not pull my arms out of 

their sockets? Can you not stab him in the eye? How about if you don't hit him in the head with that. Maybe you shouldn't be 

chasing her with that. Can you not bug the shit out of me? Can you not give me a panic attack? Can you not shriek in my ear? How about 

if you don't give me a headache today. You probably shouldn't be running with that.

november 29 2010
Do ppl expect what they want or want what they expect? 
"I dont think u guys should break up. Ur too old." 
"Its nobodys fault." 
"They should have the choice whether to embrace or disown their geneticmaterial. I wanted to know my genetic material and i chose to 
dismiss it. A sperm does not make a father. Everybody always says that." 
Its so freaky. An mgmt song was on at the credits of 'the kids r alright.' would anyone want to risk being a sperm/egg donor? What if 
soomeday your kid finds u and is like 'hey i need another parental figure' and your like 'hey sorry i cant be that' or your like 
'hey sorry i would love to be that but i would never have the right to call myself ur parent cuz i wasnt there at all for any of ur 
childhood' 

Here's why i think i'll always be single. I can't even decide on my sexual  orientation. I cant stand men or women. Well when im around women too much for too long then im convinced imstraight and when im 
around men too much for too long then im convinced im gay. I cant stand either of them for too long. So my whole life ill b single or 
ill have a bf and a gf or ill b a polygamist or ill have a bf and gf and i guess i would have to b ok w them having other bfs and 
gfs.... Its like theres no middle ground. U have to either be a real parent and go thru the torture of it or not b a parent and 
never know what it was like and never know if u could have made another Life in this world and known whether u could have done something good for this 
world and for the life u created, if u made/introduced somethg good for/to either/both of them. Ultimately u have to 
decide whether or not life is a good thing. No? U dont know? Ur getting old tho. R u going to reproduce or not? If u dont then 
thats like saying u think life is a bad thing. R u saying life is a bad thing? Well then what r u doing here? What a miserable way 
to live. Life involves so much sitting around. Oh and if u donate an egg/sperm someday ur kid might call u. Ur kid might call u . Then u have choice: u can either b a jackass and say 'no i 
wont b in ur life' or u can b a bigger jackass and b like 'ok ill b in ur life and try to act like the parent i never was even tho 
thats impossible cuz i wasnt ther for ur whole childhood.'  

That movie was so freaky bc i was realizing julianne moores character was  reminding me of kat right before she said she went into architecture. Also before it was discovered thay she was one of those women who 
claimed to b gay but still craved cock. And also it was an mgmt song at the credits, right after the 2 moms were dropping their 
daughter off at college and kat like represents one of my introductions into college culture and mgmt represents that too and kat liked 
mgmt, and also mgmt was part of how me & sean bonded (and he's the one who made me realize i like women as much as men, and the movie was about 
lesbians) and he had just been in high school and i was in college and joni was in 
high school and then college and mgmt was at the credits (right as joni was starting college and the movie was ending) so its like ...... i dunno. 
it just ties things together.

Its pretty funny. I sent a text to my old boss that he didnt understand, i think  there were too many big words in it or something. He called me saying "what the fuck did that txt message mean?" and the first 
smart ass response/comeback that came to my head was one that i learned while working for him, from watching a jay and silent bob 
movie: "i dont think i could explain monosylibically enough for you to b able to understand." 

idea: 'I thought i would put this as a status update, but then later thought better of 
it' blog. U know what would b awesome is if i could just stop being so self conscious about how i looka d sound to ppl and 
then i might b a pretty good musician. U know what, what if smokers are all just ppl who could never decide whether their 
presence on the earth was a good thing or bad thing, and they could never decide whether or not to b religious? Ordered 5 3r 
needles, 5 5r needles, 5 7mags and 5 9mags. Thats at least 10 tattoos. Still deciding whether or not tattooing is for me. 
Whether its for me or not, at least for right now, i guess depends on whether, Or how fast, or if, i get 10 paying ppl to 
claim those needles (after all the most important lesson i learned from my apprenticeship is that needles and ink do expire). 
Maybe i shouldnt put that as a status, that would prob scare ppl. It does scare me a bit that i didnt figure that out earlier. 

Being a gay parent is so contradictory. U reject the route of making children but u accept children. Any children of gay parents 
r bound to feel somewhat of a degree of confusion. Oh shit i just sounded so republican. I better not repeat that statement in 
public ever. The hardly boys r so funny. The peta episode of south park is so funny. 

Sex is like a release, or a break, from life. Its so senseless and reckless and  instinctual like that. But yet u r promoting and prolonging life (potentially) by doing it. Its so contradictory. Oh how it 
contradicts itself. 

Merged onto a highway 1st time w/o panicking, 24th birthday. I dont know why stupid lil inconsequential 
regularities give me comfort: parking in the same parking spot at the gym as always, using the same locker as
always, using the same treadmill as always....stupid little things...

lisbeth salander is my new hero. Like me in so many ways. "u know so much about me but i 
know nothing about u" says the aspie girl's lover to her. she says "that's how it is." reminds me of shy saying
to me "i'm trying to get to know you. i don't know you for shit."

why are there so many laws about putting your name on someone else's work but no laws about putting someone else's name on your work? if someone could make a work of art anonymously and not put their name on it but still somehow make it publicly known, they could get away with so much plagiarism.  they could associate certain songs with certain movies or celebrities, they could do whatever they want. i love the show boardwalk empire. i'm so horny for sean (mcandrew).  ....dear underwear bomber: thank you for ruining plane travel for everyone else.  there's something i want to ask shy: i know you and i didn't click because of your whole macho man complex, but, say if i wanted to work at another tattoo place where the owner doesn't have a complex like that.... would you write me a letter of recommendation?  ...i'm sooooooo horny for sean goddamnit

november 30 2010
i kinda realized something recently: shy fired me because he knew i wanted to leave. he knew it before i even
knew it. he just could tell, and he knows i have trouble putting things in words and admitting things to people, 
admitting things to myself, admitting my own emotions to myself. he knew i wanted to leave, and he knew it before
i knew it. that's why he fired me, so i wouldn't have to quit.

nov 17

people find it horrendous when someone uses someone, like for sex or money or connections or whatever it may be. i find it horrendous that people even use each other at all, and that's what everyone does. every human does it. that's what friendships and relationships are: people using each other.

double-standard Shy, indeed.

"time to get married, Liz," said Josh. as if he were judging me. if only he knew what it was like. i would be so open to that if maybe it was with someone who doesn't need that much attention. it seems that most people find that i'm not capable of being emotionally there for them as much as they would like me to be.

i acted just like how josh acted. i had the same kind of people skills he had. we were the same person. almost identical behavior and mannerisms. they were acceptable in him but not me. alcoholic beverages were not permitted in the fridge unless they were his alcoholic beverages. all his lovers were for him and him alone.

11/29/10

last time vinny got high with me he was licking my foot kind of a lot. haha. mr. mackey. haha that south park episode "mystery of the urinal deuce" is so hilarious

nov 5 2010

I remember the first time i ever felt any attraction towards Shy. He was  tattooing someone and wanted me to watch. I was watching. He told me to come closer, so i could see exactly what he was doing. I went 

closer. Then i could smell his scent. That's when it was. It was something about his smell. 

"Me and the woodland fairies, we're living in the here and now." --will ferrell, blades of glory

lyrics or something that i wanted myself to remember: 
Take advantage while u have me out to dry, i cant c u every night. Nirvana.  Metric, ggg. Bizundea. 3 lil pigs green jelly

songs/lyrics/musicians i wanted myself to remember

Some things will never change, the strokes, dog days r over, a moment a love a  dream a laugh

Bad brains, i and i survive. The cure, burn. Hazen street, fool the world.
All the garbage youve never thrown away, sally dont like her friends
What r we waiting for, more massive attack
Give me somethg to believe in, cumbersome
Astrocreep 5000 rob zombie? Soundtrack to rock n roll
Portishead

the animals, smokestack lightning, gratefully dead. the black keys, she's long gone. (the black keys, busted.) jimi hendrix, the things i used to do. shake for me, joe louis walker. where you been, t-model ford. the air near my fingers, the white stripes. the raconteurs, carolina drama. r.l. burnside, sat down on my bed and cried. i want some more, dan auerbach. i came as a rat, modest mouse. next girl, the black keys. the black angels, better off alone.      the go getter, the black keys. don't you evah, spoon.   release me, junior kimbrough. the black keys, all you ever wanted. cage the elephant. ben harper, with my own two hands. jj grey, move it on.  same old blues again, john lee hooker. 

if you see me, black keys. i put a spell on you, ccr. nobody gets me down, t-model ford. lenny, stevie ray vaughan. scarecrow, beck. pistol blues, cashman. catfish blues, hendrix. vampire weekend.

trampled under foot, led zeppelin. go on have my way, leopold and his fiction. level, the raconteurs.  

Like a G6, bottoms up, steady as she goes, cake strangers in the night, nirvana  oh no not me we never lost control, greenday my generation 
Apples in stereo, open eyes. Killing floor, electric somethg
Smokestack lightning, she's getting/coming close to me

gettin fired

november 7, 2010

"from the beginning i knew your relationship with him was going to be temporary."--dad

"i know this is traumatic and all right now but you're way better off not working with him."--dad

ray: are you doing things my wife should be doing?

me: i'm doing things to keep my hands occupied while my mind races.

ray: oh, lizzy, the more that happens...the more i think it's always the good people that get the short end of the stick. .....but i think they end up winning out in the end. don't worry about it. everything happens for a reason. don't let your mind race on it too much.

"i'm revelling in the fact that i can give back rubs without there being severe repercussions." --me (while rubbing ray's shoulders, referring to the fact that shy got jealous when i rubbed anyone's back but his and that's partly why i got fired)

"i'm considering starting smoking cigarettes again." --me

"someone like you, who.....mild-mannered, not a malicious bone in your body......working with him? a criminal, who..... everything about him is offensive."

i keep trying to figure out what i want in this life. a lot of times i come to the conclusion that i just don't want to have to make my own decisions. it's too stressful. that's why i'm so submissive most of the time.

the day i got "fired," and talked to mom on the phone, i told her about how tug doesn't work and he's living off this settlement he got from being hit by a car when he was a teenager. then i said "it's funny cuz i always thought that he and i were so alike, and then i would think 'well, how come i made it in the working world and he didn't?' well, i didn't."

was this his plan all along? was that the only reason he ever took me on as his apprentice? to get laid?

would i ever do him again? i dunno. i dunno.....maybe if it was just one of those days i was really really horny. he is still damn sexy, but, i just don't think of him exactly the same way anymore....

something good just occured to me: i can do house calls again. i don't represent that business anymore. i'm not stuck in morrisville (where i don't have connections & don't know people) anymore. i have my knowledge from my apprenticeship. that seems to be all i really need. once i have all my own equipment i can just pack it all up sometimes and drive out to West Chester and tattoo my West Chester friends again!!!

.....but there is a bit of hurt

.....but there is a bit of relief

i've been wondering, off and on, if maybe i wasn't going to actually be fired until i said "am i being fired? it's ok."

he said "it does make a difference."

i smoked two newports last night. they fuck me up more than pot. it just lasts for a shorter period of time.

i miss Dopie.

why do i have to worry about smoking cigarettes? i don't have a reason to live long anyway, i don't plan on having kids.

dad thinks that shy probably told all his employees not to call me or talk to me.

the thing about newports--i only take one or two hits, then i want to put it down and finish the rest later.

how can a woman get by in this world and stay sane without just thinking of men as the inferior gender?

late october

oct 24, 2010

Ohh. Just ate 15 pieces of gummy gruesome body parts candy. Gonna be kinda  lethargic for awhile. Sometimes when i wipe or scratch my nose, and then smell the smell of the oils or something that were on my skin 

and now they're on my finger from scratching my nose, that smell usually smells just like tim, or just exactly like a smell that 

i really associate with him.  Sometimes my sweaty clothes smell just like his too. Its just funny. Getting reminded of my 

biological father every time i smell my own body odors. Oh wow i was going to watch some tv before bed but now i might just be too tired 

even for that. Ugh. Candy. I think i may have figured out how to put it in words, the main difference between me and most people. Most 

people's life goals are basically to be Successful and secure and to not feel alone, whereas my life goal is to find out 

and figure out as much as i can about the world before my time on it is spent. ...i may edit or retract that statement later. 

...the song 'free bird' by lynyrd skynyrd makes me feel a little bit nauseous every time i hear it. It's just sickeningly sad. Oh 

you know what else is sickening, the torture scene in 'reservoir dogs,' a movie i finally saw today and have been meaning to see 

for a while. ...why are my juices coming out so thick and white today? I dont know if it's been like that before...well i guess it has 

but not in a while...or it has but i didnt notice...anyway it was a little while later after reading a bunch of very 

descriptive sex tips in cosmo, maybe that had something To do with it. ...tommy sold shane's car to someone when it wasnt his to sell, 

and sold it for twice as much as he got it for. It was supposed to be tiffany's car. Then supposedly he spent all the money on 

drugs. I dont know what kind tho. Shane wants to beat his ass. I think he's not our piercer anymore, or if he is he has to just come 

in to work when shane's not there or he'll get beat up. ...Yesterday i became aware of the camera on the ceiling at work, and the fact that 

Shy can see what it's seeing from his computer at home. Shy wasnt at work yesterday. At the end of the night he was talking to 

josh on the phone. When they hung up josh said shy told him to tell me to stop waving at the camera. That just got me a bit flipped 

out and paranoid. Josh and shane were pretty amused by that. Shane told me "i'm pretty sure shy only said that to make you be 

how you're being right now." ...i never waved at the camera. Was there ever a time when i looked like i was waving at it? I asked 

shane if there was more than one camera. He said no, not that he knows of. If there was a camera in the back of the shop it would've seen me lifting up my 

shirt and checking for belly flab in the mirror numerous times. 

oct 30, 2010

Yay ive been doing such a good job not eating. Lost a few pounds in the last few  days. I gained weight prior to that, y'know cuz of it getting cold and all. I was lookin like a fatass. I wanted to get the weight 
off again. I wanted to get laid again. Yesterday and today tho, dont really feel like im in the mood. I guess its not my horny 
time of the month maybe?...last night was the halloween party, it was pretty damn fun. Haha. Hahaha. Yesterday at work, near 
the end of the work day i was just in a really bad mood. It may have been just cuz i missed a couple days of my zoloft but at one 
point i just started crying...for no reason. Then a little while later i snapped out of it tho. 

oct 31, 2010

Tim b. said he wants me to tattoo him. Doris wants me to tattoo her. Marco  made me think he wanted a tattoo but then he didnt. Out of nowhere 2 nights ago kat k. texted me asking me for nude photos. I 
just answered saying "obviously someone else has kats phone." 2 nights ago i talked to mom about the fact that i dont think i 
should have kids, snd the fact that whenever she gets drunk she says something like "i'll never have grankids" or "this rat vinny is 
the only grandchild ill ever have," like she's sad about it or something. Anyway we discussed it. She said in all seriousness she 
agrees that i shouldnt have kids. She doesnt want me to feel like i have to. But she wants me to consider donating an egg. She has someone's sperm in mind 
that she wants it to be matched up with. I said "who?" and she said "who do you think?" and then i said "but you're not a man." 
and she laughed and said "no, chris." 

long dragging wait

from my scalp will they pluck out a follicle of hair.

they'll want to be quite certain there's no traces of you there.

i'll wait for you, my love, with your green-brown-orange fuzz and our bond will be as pure and strong as once it ever was. You with your celestial pristine crystalline complexion, 

the closest thing these  eyes have ever seen to true perfection. 

Your essence (at one time not quite my favorite i confess), 

is now the best solution  for a bout of loneliness. i'll wait for you for quite as long as time demands to take and in the end with your support my peace of mind will wake. For count on it or bet on it, wherever i may roam,  it's you and only you who makes me feel the most at  home. 

For now if i intoxicate i must resort to drink, 

which does not much but add disquiet to the way i think. I who hath no temper that acquaintances could speak of,  will pick a fight with someone when Jack Daniels do I reek of. 

One plus is without you i've lost a bit of weight in fact,  but also my neuroticism still remains intact. overstimulation and anxiety reign true, when days are made to pass me by without a trace of you. 

And when the day doth come that we can both again rejoice, 

the fact the wait had been so long will give depth to your voice. Twill be a day to remember for the rest of my long days, 

when you could come to once again surround me with your haze.