when i have dreams that i'm in life-threatening situations, i'm usually not really that bothered or scared by them. i mean i always try to overcome whatever obstacle is set before me but i always half expect to fail and it doesn't really bother me or phase me, like i just don't take the situation that seriously. i know i'm not going to be devastated or anything if i fail. is it because i already know i'm in a dream? it's hard to explain. it's hard to figure out. i don't know if i know that i'm dreaming but i just always get this feeling in the back of my mind that what's going on around me isn't exactly real/reality per se. or it's another version of reality. but i should still be shaken up about life-threatening situations right? why wouldn't i be? i would be shaken up by them in real life. but is that because i don't want to die or just because i don't want to die without a fight, or i don't want to die because of something stupid. i want to die because of something important. and my dreams set important meaningful life-threatening obstacles before me, so therefore i wouldn't care much if i died or not. or is it that....i'm just uncomfortable being in the dream world?
in real life i'm usually distracted and overwhelmed by all the little details of everything. i have to take in and process, one by one, little things around me. a CD, a DVD, a CD rom, a printer, a lipstick, a credit card, a magazine, a lipstick advertisement in the magazine, the words and picture in the advertisement, a coffee cup, the cleanliness of the coffee cup, each little individual coffee stain or drip on the coffee cup, the fly on the coffee cup, a hair tie, a computer mouse, the little apple on the computer mouse meaning it goes to a mac, the shininess and reflectiveness of the mouse, what it's reflecting, the fact it's reflecting the computer screen and the ceiling and the printer and the mirror that's behind everything at the desk, and my head if i lean it.....how many inches to my right? about six, and my shoulder too, and the window behind me, and the tree that's outside the window.....
anyway that's how it is in real life but not in dreams. i don't focus on little details in dreams because there aren't little details everywhere because my mind doesn't create such complex and detailed universes/worlds/realities. therefore i'm just forced to focus on people and their situations, their emotions and my emotions and whatnot. therefore maybe i start to become a bit uncomfortable in these dream worlds. they become too intense. i don't like having to constantly focus on people and their feelings. maybe that's why i don't get all shook up from life-threatening situations in dreams. i don't care if i die or not. i'm not comfortable with this kind of existence anyway.
so last night i had the most horrible dream that i accidentally killed my dog. he was jumping up on me or chewing something or doing something bad, i forget what, but i gripped his wrists (of his front legs) and squeezed really hard. for some reason it had the effect of making him close his eyes and collapse. i thought that meant he was just going to be unconscious for a minute or two. i walked away. a minute later Mom came over to me holding him and said "you've pushed your dog to death" or something to that effect and i was so horrified, indescribably horrified. then i woke up. i was so fuckin happy to wake up.
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