spinning

sometimes i just try to be friendly and then i take it too far and people think i'm hitting on them and then i don't realize it till later and then i feel stupid.

sometimes i'll be hanging out with one of my (female) friends and her boyfriend will be there too and i'm secretly resenting his presence and wishing it was just me and her. if it was just me and her alone, there would be more different things we could talk about. as i'm secretly resenting his presence i'm trying extra hard to make sure this resentment is never discovered. i try extra hard to be nice to him. i overcompensate. then later it occurs to me that maybe i was acting a little too nice, inappropriately nice, verging on flirty, and my female friend was getting annoyed.

a lot of times i can't really tell where you draw the line between friendly and flirtatious.

it's these kinds of things that make me insecure. it's reasons like this that socialization drains me.

sometimes i'll be in a social situation where i can't really tell what's expected of me, or i'm suspecting that two different people are expecting two different things of me. i won't know what to do. i consider each option one by one, oscillating between the two things. my mind oscillating between two things makes my body want to oscillate between two things. i sway to the right. i sway to the left. i turn my body away from the people i'm attempting to socialize with, to take their staring expectant eyes out of my eyesight and ease the pressure. oscillating and turning at the same time makes me want to start spinning. henceforth i start spinning. this is even more likely to happen if i'm drunk.

it's happened a couple times in the past week. once at jack & trish's house and once while i was out at the morrisville tavern with my friend lan. we were talking to some girl and she was telling us about the restaurant she works at. she got yelled at by the manager/bouncer for promoting another place in his place of business. she walked back to the place she'd been sitting. lan and i had been getting ready to leave anyway. we started to leave. as we were leaving, we were passing that girl who'd been talking to us. lan stopped to talk to her. he wanted to keep chatting it up with her i guess. as the person who had gone in with lan, i felt obligated to stick by him, but at the same time didn't want to keep talking to that girl. the bar was about to close. the staff were urging the patrons of the bar to finish their drinks, and not dilly dally and chat, so that they could close up. plus if i talked to that girl again it might look like she was talking about her restaurant again and then that bouncer would yell at us again. plus i knew that lan was very capable of going off on tangents, in other words intending to just give a passing greeting to someone and then having it turn into a five-hour heart-to-heart. i didn't join him in continuing to chat it up with her. i stood a little ways away from them, between them and the door. i stood there not knowing whether i should just continue standing there waiting for him, whether i should join him in talking to her, whether i should just go wait out by the car, whether it was rude of me to be standing there and therefore silently pressuring him into hurrying up........i didn't know what i was supposed to do and i didn't want to think about it anymore. out of nervousness (or was it out of boredom from waiting for him?) i started spinning.

"got the spins?" the bouncer said, and i stopped.

"i just do that when i don't know what else to do," i said, and lan ushered me out the door and we left.

then last night i was at jack & trish's. our family is friends with them because their son L.J. goes to school with peter. jack and trish's relationship is very reminiscent of relationships present between couples all throughout america's trailer parks. most of the time they are yelling and cursing at each other, name-calling, verbally abusing, threatening, and doing other unpleasant things to each other. when i first started hanging out with them, this behavior made me uneasy. i would start to wonder if i should leave, if they were having a personal moment right now and they wanted to settle it privately and might be embarrassed about someone being there to witness it. then as time passed i grew to learn that this behavior was typical everyday life for them, and nothing to be embarrassed about.

not only is jack verbally abusive to his wife. he can be very inappropriate in other ways. when he drinks oftentimes he seems scarcely able to keep his eyes off me. he seems so amused, charmed and tickled by every little thing i say and do. he has a stupid grin on his face. he offers me drink after drink. he offers to let me sleep over.

last night it was starting to get a bit out of hand.

"maybe i should go home..." i started to say.

"maybe," trish said.

"i just got the vodka out and now you're leaving?" jack said. "that's gay."

"yeah, i'm gay," i said.

i started to move towards the door but he was still trying to talk to me at the same time. i didn't know what to do. it was like she was expecting me to go and he was expecting me to stay. they seemed to both be looking expectantly at me. what's a person to do? i started to spin a little.

"oh, she's spinning again," jack said.

on a side note: a week or two previously i'd been drinking with them and, as they told me the next day, i'd been spinning. i didn't remember it but i easily believed it.

"yeah i don't-- i just-- yea if you-- i don't-- just-- yeah good night," i said, and started moving more quickly towards the door as jack laughed at me. he invited me over to dinner the following night as i walked out to my car and i yelled,

"yeah i don't know yet but thanks," and he said good night as i got in and slammed the door and drove home.

1/15/12

last night i had a dream that me & my parents & the boys all had this plan to go to this big fun exciting carnival thing together. i was to drive in my car and meet them there. i got there but i didn't see anywhere to park. i was driving my car in areas where people are supposed to be walking and cars aren't supposed to be driving, until i found my family. i asked them where i was supposed to park. i don't remember word for word what was said but they tried to describe to me the place i was supposed to park and how to get there. i was thinking, "either i'm not correctly comprehending what they're telling me or....i don't know, i just know i already checked the place they're telling me about and there's no parking there." i said as much to them. then they said something to the effect of, "i've already tried to tell you where to park. i'm done trying to tell you. if you still don't understand where to park, that's your problem." then after that, they were too distracted by socializing with all the other people all around them, to be able to pay any attention to me. i got fed up, gave up on the idea of going to this carnival thing with them, and drove away. later on in the day i saw them back at home. dad was complaining and saying, "the whole reason we went to that carnival was cuz liz wanted to go, and then she didn't even go with us! she has no regard for the feelings of others." then the dream ended.

1/11/12

so many times i look at other people and their bad situations and it leads me to think, "if that was me i would do that this way instead of that way and then it wouldn't happen like that." and then later i realize that maybe i wouldn't do things that smarter way. maybe i would be impulsive like them and let my emotions run me and then get stuck in bad situations because of it.

so many times...things happen that make me think, "if someone cared enough to make sure this didn't happen, it wouldn't happen." then eventually i realize that there are enough caring people but not enough time, not enough energy, not enough resources.

the hack horses aren't properly cared for, whereas the boarded horses are. it's because, of course, that the boarded horses are all people's pets and they pay good money so that they're taken care of. the hack horses, on the other hand, are not pets but money-makers. they are the tools that keep a business running. at first i think, "i have the extra time, i'll pick their feet, i'll make sure their stalls are properly cleaned, i'll do this this and that..." and then i realize that i barely have enough time to get all the work done that i Have to get done, done.

and so many times i just feel like an unproductive person or a failure at life. first of all i need more sleep than most people. that takes away from my productivity and usefulness as a human being. second of all it takes me longer than it should to do everyday tasks that everyday people have to do. that takes away from my usefulness and productivity as a human being. then when i remember about all that, i feel foolish for having thought those thoughts. i mean those thoughts like, "if someone cared enough to make sure stuff like this didn't happen, it wouldn't happen. if someone would just take a little extra time. but no, nobody wants to take a little extra time. everybody's just so selfish. well, i can pick up some of their slack. i have the time and energy and motivation and resources. so i have to do a little extra work that i'm not getting paid for. so what? someone is benefitting from it, and that's all the payment i need." i think those thoughts and then a minute later i find out that i'm already behind with the work that i'm supposed to be doing, the work that i'm being paid to do; and, no, i'm not going to have time to do that little extra thing that nobody else cares to take a little extra time to do. i'm not going to have time for it if i want to get home in time to put my brothers to bed and therefore be saved from the wrath of my mom and therefore stay on good terms with her and therefore still have a place to live.

at times like this, i just get reminded that there is a finite amount of time and energy in the world. it has a very sobering effect. it makes me want to rip down all those posters in grade school guidance counselors' offices that say things a motivational speaker would say. "reach for the sky." "the sky's the limit." "shoot for the stars. even if you miss you'll still end up shooting pretty high." "a journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step." "teamwork," with a picture of people working on something together. "motivation" and "determination" with pictures of things like a whole bunch of people skydiving in a big circle or something.

i feel foolish for having ever thought, "i'm going to make sure i go skydiving before i die." "i'm going to make sure i go scuba diving before i die." "i'm going to make sure i go in a hot air balloon someday before i die." "i'm going to make sure i get to swim with dolphins someday before i die." "i'm going to make sure i learn how to surf someday before i die." no, i'm not going to make sure i do all those things. it costs a hundred dollars to go skydiving one time. how much does it cost to rent scuba gear or a hot air balloon or a surf board or take surfing or scuba diving lessons? all these things require money, and money translates into time which then again translates into money. these things also take time, which, again, translates into money. if i had my own business i could never be guaranteed that i'm always going to get enough business to keep my business running. i could never be guaranteed that i'm not going to run into some kind of legal troubles that require me hire an expensive-ass lawyer. i could never be guaranteed that i'm not going to get in some kind of car accident that's going to kill me in hospital bills. i could never be guaranteed that any kind of accident or injury won't happen to me that will require me to spend all my money on hospital bills. i can never be guaranteed that someday i'm going to be able to retire. i can never be guaranteed that anyone's going to have the money to put me in a nursing home someday when i'm too old to take care of myself. i can never be guaranteed all these things i want to be guaranteed of. therefore........that makes me think that any extra money i happen to have, that i haven't spent on gas to drive to and from work, or that i haven't spent on prescriptions.......i should just be saving. i should be saving it into a big comfy cushion of monetary security. therefore i shouldn't be spending it on anything. therefore i shouldn't ever be carefree or happy-go-lucky. i shouldn't ever go out drinking with friends. i shouldn't even ever have sex because then i have to spend money on whatever method of birth control we happen to use. i shouldn't ever spend any gas/money on going places i don't absolutely need to go. i shouldn't ever be making any art, not if i have to spend money on art supplies. i shouldn't go jogging enough times to ever wear out my sneakers so i have to buy new ones. i shouldn't even go jogging at all unless i'm going to do it in the same shoes i wear in my everyday life. and i can't do that. those shoes weren't made for that. therefore i should never go jogging. i should never go wading in the creek. i would need water shoes for that. i should never go rafting. i would need to buy a raft for that. i could go on and on with things i should never do. therefore i should be leading a very dull, boring and dreary life if i want to feel secure. therefore, in this life we are trapped. life is a trap.

but, whatever, i guess i'm just being negative right now cuz my day wasn't that great.

psssh

this one night last week joe wasn't that careful about making sure he pulled out in time. i got a little anxious. "abortions are like a few hundred dollars," i said. "you can't get an abortion..." he started to say. "why would you say that instead of saying 'there's no way you would need to get one because there's no way i just knocked you up'?!" i said. then he said something to reassure me (i forget what, i was a little drunk), and we just continued with whatever we were doing or the subject changed or something.

not get an abortion. psssh. yeah, ok. if i ever got pregnant, you're damn straight i'm getting an abortion. before the piss even dries on the pregnancy test i'll be behind the wheel on the way to planned parenthood. damn straight. i've seen what parenthood does to people. why would i put myself through that? he's some kind of fucked in the head.

12/21/11

i think there's a difference between giving up and thinking to oneself "hey this career path entails more than i signed up for and it doesnt really seem worth it and my talents would be better executed elsewhere." this whole time trying to be a tattooist it's honestly felt like an uphill battle. plus i can't do good artwork if the whole time i have to listen to someone moaning and groaning in pain BECAUSE of me doing that artwork. therefore i can't feel like i'm giving a tattoo with love therefore i can't do it well oftentimes. also there's the fact that as a tattooist you're expected to be a socialite and slut and party animal and all this stupid other shit is expected of you and you might ask "why did none of this occur to you for the past four years?" and that's because of my stubborn streak i guess, and the fact that i was "fired" from my first apprenticeship by a male chauvinist asshole and told that tattooing wasn't for me so, predictably, that just made me want to tattoo even more and made me want to prove him wrong. but why pursue a whole career just to prove one asshole wrong? ...i have this horse farm job and someone wants me to illustrate a book she's writing, and i've already illustrated one and i'm doing a cartoon with someone else. none of that sounds as sexy and badass as being a tattoo artist but i'm ready to just stop being in denial of the fact that i'm not badass at all. not one bit.

"this is a good cold one"

the boys have been putting dead batteries back in the fridge because they think if they get cold again then they're renewed again. for a while, before she figured it out, mom had to just be confused about why sometimes new batteries would work and sometimes they wouldn't.

for about a month, from september to october, i was seeing this guy alex. i was very happy and excited about him. it started to feel like we were together, even though we'd never actually had a verbal agreement that we were. then, abruptly, he went back to his ex, mackenzie. ....even though i had been so gaga over him, for some reason getting over him happened a lot quicker and easier than i thought it would. that was also the first time i was ever dumped (for lack of a better word) without crying about it. maybe over the years i've become more callous. i don't know.

tori and i aren't friends anymore. a situation happened--the put the story in a nutshell--where i was supposed to lie for her and i didn't. as soon as i said what i said to betray her i regretted it. i'd been put on the spot, made to feel bad for someone, and promised that tori wouldn't be informed that i'd said anything. of course, that promise was broken, she was informed and she was ripping pissed, heartbroken, hurt, disillusioned. i tried apologizing so many times in so many ways. i tried explaining the situation. i tried explaining how bad i can be at keeping secrets. i tried to get her to aim her blame at the person who was the other link. i tried defending myself. i tried analyzing and re-analyzing the situation to come up with more and more possible explanations for my behavior. i tried telling her i would do anything to make it up to her. i tried everything. she is not my friend anymore.

while i was betraying her i acquired a new fuck buddy, joe. i had met him through her. he is best friends with the guy (or one of the guys) that she's getting with, frank. for a few days i stayed in denial and told myself that having a new fuck buddy would make me happy enough to be able to forget about tori. i tried to tell myself he was worth it. then, of course, as with all phases of being in denial, it came to an end and i realized how empty my life is without her. joe will never fill that void and i'm always going to feel like a bad person and traitorous friend. last night joe and i were supposed to hang out, then at the last minute i told him i was too sad about tori and i wouldn't be able to. for some reason that just made him want to hang out with me even more. with some persistence and effort he persuaded me to let him come over, and for a period of time he did manage to make me forget about tori and have a good time with him.

i think as long as i live i'll still be trying to figure out how important people are to each other, and when and how often and in what ways and what different contexts. as long as i live i'll be trying to understand relationships (in the broad sense of the word).

i don't have that new apprenticeship anymore. ...the other night i was out drinking with my coworkers and i playfully tried to snatch my boss's lighter from him. he then tried to set my sweatshirt sleeve on fire. consequently i snatched my arm away and punched him in the head. he then grabbed me by the hair and pulled me closer to him, fixing me with an evil stare. he waited until there was fear in my eyes and i was leaning away from him with all my weight, trying to yank my hair out of his grip. then he let go and i fell on the floor. at that point i still didn't know whether to think we were just playing or whether he was really pissed off. then he started to yell at me and i knew he was really pissed off.

"think about what you do before you fuckin' do it!" he was yelling. "you can't fuckin' lay a hand on me! you punched me in the head!"

"you tried to light me on fire," i said.

"oh, i'll do way worse than that." then i left.

the next day i got all my equipment out of his shop. for some reason the lights were off but the door was unlocked. i thought that maybe, if anything, he was expecting me to quit and that was why the lights were off but the door was unlocked: to send the message that i could get all my stuff out without any confrontation. i thought that pat (who lives upstairs) was probably upstairs the whole time, aware of my presence (from having seen my car out the window) and aware of what i was doing.

i thought wrong. the next day i got a text from my other boss, grimy.

"did u climb in a window to get ur shit out?"

"no, the door was unlocked," i said.

"so i guess u quit"

"yeah"

"u think that's cool? to break in the shop take ur shit and bounce. no explanation or anything. like why would u do that especially if u know we know every tattoo artist and shop from here to west virginia"

"i didnt break in, it was open. its not normal for me to feel the desire to punch anyone. somehow you and pat are the only ones with the power to bring that desire to me which is why i can't work with u"

"liz are u that dumb? just because something is open doesn't mean u can walk in. if u guys leave ur door open i could just walk in ur house at four in the morning. it's called a B&E."

"ok so whats ur point? y do u care? i only took my stuff"

"the open sign was broke and the piercing sign was broke that's why i asked if u came in through the windows"

"weird"

"its just stupid that u couldn't be professional about it"

"i thought if anything pat was expecting me to quit. i thought that was why the lights were off but the door was open, to send the msg that i could get my stuff out w/o any confrontation. i mean what does he expect me to do? he tried to light me on fire. ...i really thought he must have been upstairs the whole time."

"no we weren't here at all why would he close the shop for a day just so u could get ur shit? and he didn't try lighting u on fire! he wasn't even close to u with the lighter. there was four witnesses other then me and katie."

"i dont wanna fight with you. u and pat just have an intense energy that i can't deal with. call me a pussy, call me what u will. i just can't deal w it"

"ok." and that was that.

mom wants us to open our own tattoo place. she has wanted this for years. for years i always said, "no, i'm not ready, i still need to learn more. plus i don't like to tell people what to do; i'd rather be an employee than an employer. i don't want my own place, i just want to work under someone." now, however, this idea of hers seems more appealing than ever. she and dad take care of the business aspect of it. they talk to the landlord, they get business insurance, they start the corporation, they talk to the township about zoning, they do the taxes or get the accountant or whatever. i take care of the tattooing. that's my job. that's all i want. i just want to be tattooing. i don't want to be trying to fit in with other already-established tattoo people. i don't want to be trying to make friends with trash and convicts and criminals and people that are going to give me panic attacks every other weekend. i don't want to do all that bullshit. i just want to be tattooing, plain and simple.

americans

you can't approve of someone but disapprove of the things they do. you can't love someone but hate the things they do.

i used to get so excited over christmas. over the years though, more and more lately, it just seems more and more to me like it's just a bunch of people celebrating consumerism. celebrating consumerism and teaching our kids to celebrate consumerism and materialism. they strive to "be good" so they can "get more toys." ...then again it is only once a year.

this one year when i was little i hand-made a christmas card for every reindeer, santa claus and mrs. claus. ...later on i was soooooooo pissed when i found out santa isn't real. i wanted to say to my mom, "you let me do all that fuckin' work for NOTHING, bitch?!"

"i wanna meet the monkeys that made us," is what peter said a few days after i tried to explain evolution to him. ...did i already write about that? i can't remember. i figured i'd put it down just in case.

"We've created a fake world obsessed with fake things and now, as it begins to crumble and fall apart we're realizing--we must go back to the earth." --my friend Lindsay

lately i've been wondering more and more...how do i put it? all these things going on in the world, the stuff going on with wall street, the indefinite suspension of habeus corpus, the recession, the fact that china is buying property in our national parks....all these seemingly preposterous and rage-enducing goings-on in the world that my facebook friends post links about on their walls....i've just been wondering how serious it all is in the grand scheme of things. i've been wondering if i would still think the nation is in a highly serious and compromised condition/position if i were alive during either world war, the civil war, the vietnam war, the great depression or anything like that.

the other day i learned that one out of ever four people in jail in the world are americans.