so many times...things happen that make me think, "if someone cared enough to make sure this didn't happen, it wouldn't happen." then eventually i realize that there are enough caring people but not enough time, not enough energy, not enough resources.
the hack horses aren't properly cared for, whereas the boarded horses are. it's because, of course, that the boarded horses are all people's pets and they pay good money so that they're taken care of. the hack horses, on the other hand, are not pets but money-makers. they are the tools that keep a business running. at first i think, "i have the extra time, i'll pick their feet, i'll make sure their stalls are properly cleaned, i'll do this this and that..." and then i realize that i barely have enough time to get all the work done that i Have to get done, done.
and so many times i just feel like an unproductive person or a failure at life. first of all i need more sleep than most people. that takes away from my productivity and usefulness as a human being. second of all it takes me longer than it should to do everyday tasks that everyday people have to do. that takes away from my usefulness and productivity as a human being. then when i remember about all that, i feel foolish for having thought those thoughts. i mean those thoughts like, "if someone cared enough to make sure stuff like this didn't happen, it wouldn't happen. if someone would just take a little extra time. but no, nobody wants to take a little extra time. everybody's just so selfish. well, i can pick up some of their slack. i have the time and energy and motivation and resources. so i have to do a little extra work that i'm not getting paid for. so what? someone is benefitting from it, and that's all the payment i need." i think those thoughts and then a minute later i find out that i'm already behind with the work that i'm supposed to be doing, the work that i'm being paid to do; and, no, i'm not going to have time to do that little extra thing that nobody else cares to take a little extra time to do. i'm not going to have time for it if i want to get home in time to put my brothers to bed and therefore be saved from the wrath of my mom and therefore stay on good terms with her and therefore still have a place to live.
at times like this, i just get reminded that there is a finite amount of time and energy in the world. it has a very sobering effect. it makes me want to rip down all those posters in grade school guidance counselors' offices that say things a motivational speaker would say. "reach for the sky." "the sky's the limit." "shoot for the stars. even if you miss you'll still end up shooting pretty high." "a journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step." "teamwork," with a picture of people working on something together. "motivation" and "determination" with pictures of things like a whole bunch of people skydiving in a big circle or something.
i feel foolish for having ever thought, "i'm going to make sure i go skydiving before i die." "i'm going to make sure i go scuba diving before i die." "i'm going to make sure i go in a hot air balloon someday before i die." "i'm going to make sure i get to swim with dolphins someday before i die." "i'm going to make sure i learn how to surf someday before i die." no, i'm not going to make sure i do all those things. it costs a hundred dollars to go skydiving one time. how much does it cost to rent scuba gear or a hot air balloon or a surf board or take surfing or scuba diving lessons? all these things require money, and money translates into time which then again translates into money. these things also take time, which, again, translates into money. if i had my own business i could never be guaranteed that i'm always going to get enough business to keep my business running. i could never be guaranteed that i'm not going to run into some kind of legal troubles that require me hire an expensive-ass lawyer. i could never be guaranteed that i'm not going to get in some kind of car accident that's going to kill me in hospital bills. i could never be guaranteed that any kind of accident or injury won't happen to me that will require me to spend all my money on hospital bills. i can never be guaranteed that someday i'm going to be able to retire. i can never be guaranteed that anyone's going to have the money to put me in a nursing home someday when i'm too old to take care of myself. i can never be guaranteed all these things i want to be guaranteed of. therefore........that makes me think that any extra money i happen to have, that i haven't spent on gas to drive to and from work, or that i haven't spent on prescriptions.......i should just be saving. i should be saving it into a big comfy cushion of monetary security. therefore i shouldn't be spending it on anything. therefore i shouldn't ever be carefree or happy-go-lucky. i shouldn't ever go out drinking with friends. i shouldn't even ever have sex because then i have to spend money on whatever method of birth control we happen to use. i shouldn't ever spend any gas/money on going places i don't absolutely need to go. i shouldn't ever be making any art, not if i have to spend money on art supplies. i shouldn't go jogging enough times to ever wear out my sneakers so i have to buy new ones. i shouldn't even go jogging at all unless i'm going to do it in the same shoes i wear in my everyday life. and i can't do that. those shoes weren't made for that. therefore i should never go jogging. i should never go wading in the creek. i would need water shoes for that. i should never go rafting. i would need to buy a raft for that. i could go on and on with things i should never do. therefore i should be leading a very dull, boring and dreary life if i want to feel secure. therefore, in this life we are trapped. life is a trap.
but, whatever, i guess i'm just being negative right now cuz my day wasn't that great.
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