planking & weezer

ever notice the lead singer of weezer doesn't seem to have much facial expression?

i don't really get the "planking" thing that's been all over facebook recently.

july

from july 10

how crippled are the "jackass" guys right now? how many injuries do they have that will never heal?

sometimes i think there's too many things i do just cuz people expect me to.

sometimes it's like the more people there are that like me and wanna see me and hang out with me, the more insecure and paranoid i feel. ....i've heard kurt cobain was the same way. i've also heard my handwriting is just like his. it cheers me up when i find similarities between me and my hero.

from july 11

"you're more potent."

tom's girlfriend sandy's kids showed up for 1.5 minutes, long enough for their mother to give them some kinda presents and then leave. mom was still putting the dogs away and making them stop barking, getting ready to meet sandy's kids, when they just left. it was pretty strange. i don't get why anyone would do that.

what is that creature at the beginning of the theme song video for true blood, sitting there underwater? i've wondered that for a long time. looks like some kinda giant salamander with spikes around its neck. i was surprised to discover this season that sam & tara aren't together. if i was a true blood character i would be jason. at least right now i remind me of jason. always trying to do good and do the right thing and never get into trouble, and it never ends up working.

"peter, don't stand too close to the grill! you'll get fired!"

"i don't wanna get policed!"

"what is that red stuff you're holding?"

"grown-up jell-o."

"sometimes jell-o is for kids too right?"

"yeah."

"this is sometimes."

"no, it's not."

"i have one thing to say, shantay shantay shantay."

so supposedly i am "more potent" than my half brothers because i was created out of passion, not just because of wanting to have kids. that's what mom says anyway. maybe she was just trying to make me feel better about having been born into a dysfunctional marriage.

i tested those shrooms i picked last month and they didn't do anything :( ...it could be just that my tolerance is up though, cuz i did eat some several weeks ago but then i knew they wouldn't make me trip cuz i was on zoloft, i was just testing them to make sure they weren't poisonous.

...amanda j reminds me of holly k a bit. ...i shared with her the reason why i'm never having kids. it's basically because of ralph and the fact that, while i was high, i somehow accidentally let him run away. how could i trust myself as a parent after that? plus there was nyxie. she died of mycoplasm pneumonia because i put cedar shavings in her tank one time. and vinny? i still don't know why he died. he was just cold one morning. did he choke? did he suffocate? did he have a heart attack? whatever it was, was it because of me or because of something i gave him? i don't know. ben was talking about vinny today and how much he misses him.

i figured out what children's book is about people like me: federick.

i saw part one of harry potter number 7 the other day with amanda and her friend britney.

my friend lindsay was gonna give me a bunny but then didn't once she found someone more enthusiastic about taking her.

4th of july weekend, the schlessers were all down here. we swam in the quarry that's down the street, among many other things. i tattooed my aunt and uncle and cousin.

i wouldn't be a good mom but i would be a good aunt.

we played an xbox dancing game.

mom listened to my story about sean c. and then told me that i'm paranoid and i hurt him. things i did bc of being paranoid and insecure, hurt him. later i thought to myself "maybe that's why the closest thing i've ever had to a relationship is with someone who just pisses me off all the time [sean m.]. at least i know i'll never hurt him more than he hurts me. i hate feeling guilty."

i saw darya and ray the other night. ray was making soap.

tom has been needing me to get him his weed. it's been more and more of a hassle as time progresses. a big part of the reason is the way he approaches it.

i need to find out online how old shrooms can be before they're not safe to eat.

tori's parents are getting divorced.

i need to tell sean c those shrooms won't do anything (i gave some to amanda & chris to give to him). i need to make business cards. i need to sell some things online. i need to see how much money is left in my bank account. i miss having my own computer. i don't get half the stuff done that i need to get done because of not having my own damn computer. why did i just start feeling a little down? maybe because it's the day after, or two days after, a big party that i had been looking forward to for a while. i feel feelings more acutely now that i'm off my meds. why did i go off them? so i could trip on shrooms. and then that didn't even work. great. all that for nothing. ...i still am saving money though. meds cost money.

the other night late at night i borrowed tom's computer and brought it in the pool room so i could skype with sean m. i didn't return the computer until it was barely beginning to get light out. tom just had to wake up as i was returning his computer to him in my tank top and underwear.

...that's why i'm down now, cuz the shrooms didn't work.

a memory comes to me: me telling dopie i wanted to hang out with him one night and him telling me "i'll probably impregnate you," and me not knowing what to say back. another memory comes to me: me as a teenager, mom looking at my feet and saying "do you want me to braid your toe hair for christmas?" ...since then i shave my toes. another memory from just last weekend: mom saying "no, no, not this song. yes, please, make it better," as that "hey jude" song by the beatles came on and it was at the part that goes "then you can start to make it better." haha.

...maybe i'm just partly down because the weekend's over. there's still stuff to look forward to: manny & linda's cookout/party thing, seeing lindsay, maybe seeing one or both of the two seans, seeing the schlessers again, maybe going to sandy's barbecue...

so i guess i did finally get to know amanda j at least somewhat. ...i was a little more conscious of the age difference between me and that group of people as we were walking around town and whenever i mentioned music or movies that were before their time, not realizing before i mentioned it that it was before their time. haha.

a memory i'm fond of recalling is one where i was trying to ask sean c about his parents and what they're like and what his relationship with them was like. he was telling me in some way or another that there was some amount of discomfort in his relationship with his father. i said "so if you went up t......" and started to giggle and it was hard to stop, and then i tried to say it again and then i started giggling again and he said "if i went up to my dad... yeah... ?" and i said "if you went up to your dad and said 'dad, how much do you love me? cuz i love you thiiiiiiiiiiiis much,' what would he do?" (i opened my arms wide as i said "thiiiiiiiiiis much"). sean laughed and said "he'd probably say 'what kind of drugs are you on right now sean?"

i hate when i can't tell if ppl are mad at me or if they're just not answering cuz they're really busy. and i dislike those moments when someone's flirting with u and it's someone u need to deal with for whatever reason so u can't just blow them off and u want to show them ur not interested but not be rude and its so hard to know how to do that.

chelsea's recently had some kind of relationship with a girl named niya. last i heard it was starting to go to shit. i don't know now though. their deal was that they were girlfriends but they were allowed to do guys but not other girls. ...sounds like a sweet setup. anyway but now that girl niya is moving to another town.

will i ever be a successful tattooist? will i ever become more successful and busy and popular? i would've thought that after i put that kickass sea turtle tattoo i did online, that i would've had new clientele left & right. apparently not though.

will i ever get to be with sean? if not him, can i be content or pretend to be content with the other sean? what about dopie? he's pretty adorable and cute and sexy. but sometimes i get the feeling we will never really be able to relate to each other the way i can relate to sean (c). i don't know though. i would prob give it a shot if he was willing. i don't know if he is or not though. he's been giving mixed signals. ...and who would be a better second choice, sean m or dopie? i dunno. andy? would i ever mess with him? i don't think i would. i don't think i would ever do that to sean. thats his friend.

i have to tag mark in that picture.

something just occurred to me, i have a couple pics from the party a couple nights ago. up until right now i was planning on putting them up on facebook. i dunno if i will now though. what if sean saw and felt weird that i was partying with his friends without him? ...could amanda and chris possibly feel like i was using them to get to sean?? i don't think they would think that. i dunno though. using them as in going to their party with the intention of dropping off shrooms with them for sean. hmmmm. is that rude or shitty in any way?

will i never be able to relate to dopie? never? and if i can't what's the reason? because we come from two different classes in society? but that can't be the reason can it? cuz i can relate to tori. speaking of her, why hasn't she talked to me all day?

now i feel shitty about getting amanda and chris all excited about shrooms that turned out to be ineffective.

from july 12

gaps in between periods last longer in the summer?

"i wanna meet the monkeys that made us." -peter

so today harry met a pig, i found out that "late night hess" means you order anything in the whole store through a window and pay for it through the window, and mom tried to tempt me into buying a rat at the pet store. i think maybe she was just doing that to make me decide if i'll ever have one again or not and therefore decide what i'm doing with vinny's old rat cage that's been sitting in the garage since last winter.

going into a dunkin donuts or seeing one usually reminds me of a black-eyed peas song.

i learned on "family guy" that the symbol "&" is called an "amperstand."

from july 18

i'm starting to suspect more and more that it really was just my tolerance or my meds not being totally worn off. i'm starting to suspect more and more that that's the real reason behind the shrooms not taking effect. we'll have to just wait and see though. now mike & tori have some, amanda & chris have some, and sean has some (or will have some). i'll hear reports sooner or later.

yeah i've been feeling kinda down and at first i thought it was pms but now it's lasting too long to just be pms so i think the effects of going off my meds were finally starting to kick in. so that means they didn't wear off until recently which means i took the shrooms before they wore off, which means i don't know how they affect people who aren't on meds. ooooooh the anticipation.

bla

did woody think he was a real sheriff when he first came out of his box?

libras are all so smug and balanced, comfortable and self-confident and secure. sometimes annoyingly so. no i still don't know if i really believe in astrology or not. but when all three of my mom's husbands were pisces men, it's hard to not suspect there may be something to it. what other proof is there? ...i have a tendency to like capricorn men. i've had three capricorns, two pisces, two cancers, a scorpio a virgo a libra and a gemini. and two whose signs i don't know. i do still have jason's number though..... haha imagine that phone call. "hi, i'm trying to figure out astrological patterns with guys i've fucked and it occurs to me i forget your birthday. what is it?"

sometimes when i ask someone how they know someone, they think i'm saying all snobby like "so how do YOU know him?" ....uhhh, not really. just making conversation. try not to get your panties in a twist.

so the other day i was on facebook and i saw a link or button that said "find your friends." i clicked on it. they showed me a whole bunch of my friends' friends. one guy was tattooing in his profile picture. i thought "ooooooooooh" and "poked" him. he poked me back. he friended me. he struck up a conversation with me. ....we'll see how it goes....

in the same week one of my grandparents and one of tori's grandparents fell down. hers had to go to the hospital. mine just had to go to the chiropractor, but he was in the hospital last week.

they say grief is one of the biggest.....i'll finish that later

june 29

really loose bowels for the past week. at first i thought it was from the mexican food from my friends taking me out for my birthday. this is lasting too long though. do i have parasites in me?...a week and three days ago i ate some fresh-picked psilocybe cyanescens. only a portion of the batch that i picked. i dried out the rest. but a couple days later i picked some more of them (from the same spot) and broke one open to find a little tiny white worm-caterpillar-type-thing inside. also realized that several of them had those inside. uhh-ohh. hahahaha. and i have been eating kind of a lot and not gaining any weight. well then maybe these parasites will be handy in the winter.

oh and by the way nothing happened to me when i ate those. i later remembered that you don't trip on that species of mushroom if you're on anti-depressants. i started weaning myself off of them cuz i don't need them as much in the summer time anyway. so, a week and a day from now, the anti-depressants should be out of my system and i can trip with mike and tori. yaaaaaaaaaaaaaay! (and for those who don't know: parasites can't live in the dried-up ones. they would've died by now. so, no, i'm not giving parasites to my friends. lol.)

from june 10

"ha, wow. you're really smart. i've dated smart girls before but you, you're smart smart smart. you're a smarty." --lan

haha. he cracks me up.

so last night i had a dream about sean c. the night before i had a dream about a europe trip that i wasn't very well-packed for, and a dream about having a penis (again). i have a lot of dreams about fighting with mom, regardless of whether or not i actually have any negative feelings towards her in waking life. and i also had more dreams about neglecting my pets, too, of course (cuz i have a lot of those dreams). ...why don't i have more dreams about ben and peter? ...i don't know.

steve (lan's friend): so are you gonna date lan?

me: i dunno.

steve: why don't you try him out. give it a shot. he talks about ya. he'll be nice, too, he'll take you out on a real date.

so at planned parenthood i found out i'm actually 5'7. i thought i was 5'6. i'm 137 lbs and i have 89/50 blood pressure.

oh yeah so that planned parenthood visit was expensive. after i went there i remembered jake telling me, after i'd expressed concern that he hadn't pulled out in time, "go to planned parenthood." after i'd been there and experienced the prices of their services firsthand, i realized what i should've said to jake right then: "you know what? i have a better idea. how about if you take me the fuck to planned parenthood. and bring your wallet."

the other night mom tried to make me feel bad about being picked up by that guy in north carolina, because she was making the long treacherous ten-minute walk back to the condo as we were doing it.

june 11

the other day mom told me you're not supposed to water plants while the sun is beating down on them at midday in a heatwave. that might explain a few of the plants i've killed in the past. i always would've figured if anything it's better to water them when the sun's beating down on them at midday in a heat wave. the sun beating down on them like that must make them parched. they would probably appreciate someone quenching their thirst.

i've been analyzing myself as a caregiver (of children) lately and trying to figure out exactly why i wouldn't be a good parent (i've had that feeling for a long time). seems like with kids you basically need to do three things: teach them, entertain them and be responsible for them. i can teach and entertain them pretty well. well i mean i'm good at explaining things to them and when i'm in giddy hyperactive moods i can be good at entertaining them too, but i can't be responsible for them quite as well. or when i'm in responsible-for-them mode, that's when i can't as easily be playful with them. a lot of people can be both playful and responsible at the same time, but that's just harder for me.

haha we were watching bambi the other day. it was the first time in a long time that i'd seen it. the whole "twitterpated" part of the movie has to be the cutest funniest part of any disney movie.

tori completes me. she just...you know...if it wasn't for her i might still be talking to sean m (not that it's totally definite that we're not talking anymore but it's probable). i mean, the fact that someone needs me to be strong, makes me strong. she is weak because she's dependent on her relationship with mike, therefore she needs me not to be like that. she needs me not to be a weak dependent person. she needs me to be strong, to be there for her, to be her hero, to be on her side when she gets in fights with mike or when he bullies her. the fact that she needs me to be strong, makes me a stronger person. it's such a beautiful thing. it's the most beautiful inspirational relationship i've had in a long time.

last week or so for whatever reason peter kept saying "ding dong dell, kitty is in the well." it was starting to get really annoying until mom said to him "ding dong dell, peter begins to smell." it just cracked him up, and he kept trying to think of more things that rhyme with "ding dong dell." whenever i think of that i still keep cracking up.

lan told me all his friends can tell i have asperger syndrome. or he said they just wanted to know why i'm socially inept and it takes me a minute to respond and answer questions. yea so i guess i can't hide that as well as i thought i could. ...but there's also the fact that a lot of them were trying to talk to me as i was tattooing. of course it's going to take me longer to respond to people when i'm trying to focus on tattooing.

i skipped a period for the first time ever. i don't know what it means. it concerns me a bit, but only when i think about it too much.

i would've sold vinny's cage by now if it wasn't for the possibility that someone in my family is getting me some kind of animal for my birthday. i guess it'll be good if i do get one and good if i don't get one. there's always the extra responsibility and extra money associated with new pets after all.

today we were at the steamtown train museum and the steamtown mall and cooper's.

i had more dreams about fighting with mom last night. ...in these dreams where i fight with mom, it always starts with her either doing something to belittle me or my accomplishments, or doing something to make me feel like she doesn't pay enough attention to me or care enough about me or something. ...again, these dreams aren't representative of real waking life. nevertheless, they keep occurring.

i took a walk in the offroads around lake winola. some parts of that area are pretty creepy. there are several dilapidated abandoned houses and trailers.

tiffany sawyer deleted me as a friend on facebook. that's ok i guess. i remember a while back, attempting to write poetry about her and then just not being inspired enough by her to be able to write anything.

yesterday i floated in an inner tube in the lake while i sipped a rum & coke. harry & molly swam too. the water was sooooooo fuckin nice. it was hard to get molly back out of the lake once she'd been in it.

andrew m is trying to hang out with me again, andrew m who i haven't talked to in years. i kinda just blew him off.

i've been reading something called "the witches' datebook." what i don't get is how a certain planet or the sun or moon can be "in" a certain zodiac sign. that never made sense to me.

"game of thrones" is a damn good show. it'd be harder to keep up with, too, if i hadn't read the books, but i have.

oh, another similarity between me and lisbeth salander (the character) that i just thought of---we both look way younger than we are. oh also neither of us senses danger very well. well, actually, i guess it's not that we don't sense it but rather that we don't care about it as much as we probably should. therefore we willingly put ourselves into dangerous situations (for the thrill of it, or just because we want something that we feel is worth the danger, or for whatever reason). speaking of "the girl with the dragon tattoo" i've seen the previews for the american version of that movie. it's coming out in december. it kinda really pisses me off how ugly they made her look for the american version.

the other day i found out that pop-pop's father was a hypnotist, and one time a long time ago he hypnotized uncle chip into thinking that drinking, smoking and having sex were all evil, and then later on he ended up turning mormon. the whole family thinks that's why he ended up turning mormon.

also from may

may 22

so many thoughts passing through. why do i get high then write down "journal" entries? now thinking of my old boss Andi. she may have been the coolest boss i ever had. Kristina was cool too though. Richard may have been the coolest professor i ever had. i keep having thoughts of writing him an email just saying that i still think of him sometimes and that he was my best professor. then at other times it seems like that idea seems rather pointless.

may 25

tori got a DUI the other night driving back home from club risque. the cops took her back to the police station and me and her friend marc had to drive there and wait around forever for them to get done with her so we could take her home. if/when she loses her license she doesn't know how she's going to get to work every day. she said maybe she'll just have to pay me to drive her. i'd gladly do it. i just wouldn't be looking forward to explaining the situation to my mom. she doesn't like when i drive drunk. she's not going to want to hear that i have friends who drive drunk.

"tom jones?!! nuh-uh!!! my mom used to cream her jeans whenever he would come on tv!!!"

--mom (as we were watching the season finale of american idol and tom jones came on stage to do a performance)

may 31

i have basically no time to see darya anymore these days. i like lan more than dopie or sean. i keep thinking of this one stripper from the other night. she danced to "living dead girl" by rob zombie. she might have just been the sexiest stripper i've ever seen. you know what was fuckin weird? it was just a little while after i said to tori "you know what would be so awesome--if someone danced to 'living dead girl' by rob zombie." then a little while later that song came on. fuckin weird. and that stripper was kinda flirting with us, winking at us (me & mike & tori). oh she was so sexy i can't even believe it or describe it.

sean is annoying me lately. well maybe it's just because lan is so awesome he just makes sean look bad. he's the shit. he even basically asked me out in front of all his friends. he seemed like he was trying to integrate me into his group of friends. he showed PDA to me in front of his friends. he's been hooking me up with more and more tattoo clients. he acts like he gives a shit.

i've been warming up to mike lately. trying to, anyway. it seems like it's working. it seems like he's warming up to me. i guess i've been trying more lately because semi-recently i heard through the grapevine that he just never liked the fact that i would hang out with the two of them and just talk to tori. anyway....there's a lot of reasons to not like him but i try to see the best in him. i saw "good luck chuck" all the way through for the first time the other day. it was pretty adorable for a stupid flick. it sucked me in, anyway. i especially loved the part at the very end where the girl persuaded the guy to pretend to hit on her stuffed animal penguin while she recorded it. hahahahahahahahaha

from may

may 7

memories from semi-recently: Peter saying he wanted to wear his pants on his head, dad telling him no, mom  telling dad that now the boys are experimenting with their own individual identities and she doesn't want to squelch their 

creativity. Dad saying ok. Peter asking if the police will get him if he wears his pants on his head outside. Me learning that the 

pineapple is a symbol for hospitality. The first time a waiter ever came out into the parking lot to find me before i left, to return a 

hair tie to me that i'd left on the table. First time that ever happened. It was in north carolina. Me hanging out with tom & 

sandy last night for about maybe a half hour. After that half hour was up, tom saying "we were in the middle of this kind of 

exciting suspenseful movie when u came in. I'm going to Put it back on. You're allowed to stay but you're not allowed to talk." me 

leaving. Me being reminded of this one time when mom told me that dad told her this one time when he was a teenager tom said to him 

"your mother and i love you very much, and want you around and are so lucky and happy that we had you but sometimes we still just 

want time to ourselves." i don't really know what to think of that except that maybe tom & nancy shouldn't have had a kid if they 

were going to push him away like that. One time tom told me he doesn't really like kids very much and my dad is lucky to be alive. When he said that i really wanted to say "uh, you probably shouldn't have had a kid then, tom. You probably should have had a vasectomy before you got married."

"she liked having company that left her alone." "she loved puzzles." "she  pricked up her ears." "she shut her ears." all quotes from "the girl who played with fire," by stieg larsson, all quotes that remind 
me of me. 

may 18
 
Do u think that most ppl want u to be really into an idea, or ispired by it,  before they'll let u tattoo it on them? Cuz if thats the case then i'm in trouble. I need to think of another career path.