dream of last night 5/13/10

last night i dreamt that i was crying cuz i thought i had no friends cuz i didnt have any of them around after i moved back home. then tim b. (sara b.'s boyfriend) was there and he gave me a cigarette to calm me down and make me feel better and after that i decided to take up smoking again

shadows in the ceiling today

the shadows in the ceiling are vibrating and rippling in beautiful patterns. no i'm not on shrooms. for some reason they're still doing that. i did just wake up, and i'm forcing my eyes to stay open even though they want to close again.

i dont want exter sine

"No, Ben, you can't be pregnant. There is no way for a boy to be pregnant. There is no way right now. But someday maybe if you grow up and become a brilliant scientist then you can figure out a way."

its so cute how much rats love bananas

saw a toad outside last night for the first time this season! yaaaaaaaaay! summer is practically here

lately the boys love listening to bohemian rhapsody by queen. they dont know thats the name of it though. they request it by saying "can we hear 'killed a man' song?"

when dad found out chelsea got a jaywalking ticket he smiled and shook his head and said "only in california." supposedly chelsea told the cop "this is stupid." hahahaha

uh-oh, jamie is looking kind of round. she was gone for over a day the other day. she's not spayed. uh-oh.

i tend to stay energized longer when i go running next to a creek or river; it kind of feels like someone is running alongside me, urging me on.

"i dont wanna go to the karate place. i dont want extersine!" -ben (he meant exercise)

may 10th 2010

another dream about the earth finally being destroyed by the damage of human habitation, and all of us suddenly stuck in outer space gasping for breath

bohemian rhapsody

well today was mother's day. overall i guess i'd say it was a good mother's day. the taskers were here for it.

tonight i turned down this guy eric who wanted me to go over his house & hang out. he has all this bad shit going on in his life and he said i'm the last thing keeping him hanging on or something and tomorrow is his birthday, so i felt really guilty and bad for him and got in the car and was about to just change my mind and drive over there out of guilt & empathy, then i remembered it's over an hour's drive and that's an awful long way to go just to be cruel and lead somebody on. for the longest time i was just sitting in the car in the driveway, torn between my need to be somebody's hero and my need to not be cruel and lead someone on. i finally decided not to go over there and when i told him he said "FUCK YOU liz you ruined my birthday."

i met that guy eric online, talked to him a bunch of times on the phone and he seemed cool enough and all, then i met him in person and he just wasn't exactly what i was expecting. we're not on the same page or same level intellectually. and i just pictured him being more...i dont know...sophisticated or something than he turned out to be. well we ended up fooling around a bit anyway. it had been soooo long since i'd gotten any action at all. i wanted warmth. i wanted human contact. we cuddled a lot and made out and dry humped. haha. but it would be cruel to go see him again, knowing that i could never date him and he would totally want to date me.

ben & peter have been randomly singing parts of "bohemian rhapsody" by queen now & then. mom tends to listen to queen in the car fairly often recently, i guess that's why. hahahahahaha. it's so cute. ben one morning as i'm helping him get dressed, "open your eyes..." "look up to the sky..." "nothing really matters.....to me...." hehehehehehe sooooooo adorable.

so are alana and jace. i've noticed that jace just mimicks everything alana does. no i mean not only things she says but ways that she moves and all. if she's laying on a bed, rolling a bit and saying "it's so hot," the next minute jace is on the same bed rolling around saying "it's so hot."

so this morning for mother's day i made smoothies with banana and mango and blueberry in them. also i made two different kinds of waffles: vegan oatmeal waffles and regular non-vegan waffles. ray made bacon and made the coffee and dad made some kind of fancy egg sandwich that involved cutting perfect circles into pieces of bread; i don't know exactly what it was that he was doing.

when mom first woke up this morning i had the smoothies ready and i said "hey mom i made you a smoothie. do you want it now or later?" and she looked at first kind of amused and bewildered, then a little weirded out and scared, and then after a minute she said "oh, yeah, it's mother's day." hahahahahahahahahahaha

oh i did a tattoo on darya's ankle. it's the tree of life. it's like a tree but with a bunch of little swirlies instead of leaves. it looks pretty.

i talked to nana today. she says gram is in a wheelchair and has parkinson's. that seems freakishly fast. i thought i remembered her walking last time i saw her.

last night as me & mom & dad & the taskers were all getting drunk together (and ralph and vinny were out at the bar with us) mom said to dad (trying to hand vinny to him) "hey hold him a little. he wants his pop-pop. spend some time with your grandson. i have a feeling these may be the only grandchildren we ever get." then mom looked at me and said "no pressure," and i said, "i have that feeling too." then i had everyone's attention so i continued: "well i mean chelsea might have kids, but i just get the feeling that i'm just always going to have animals for my kids." and darya said right away "well you would be a good mom."

may 6th 2010

a furry little mole scurried across my path today as i was on my walk/run. didnt even know i was there til he was right up to my shoe, i could have caught him if i wanted, then he stopped and turned the other way and scurried back. he didnt seem to be using his hind legs. there is a big cloud of little tiny gnats that you have to walk through when walking on the bridge that goes over the creek. the other night was when i saw the lightning bugs out for the first time this season, but strangely enough they seemed to be only on the ground, not flying around.

dad has a letter K on his ankle now. i tattooed it there. jenna followed me as i tried to go on a walk/run last night or the night before. when i went too fast for her she mewed all sad and loud and pathetic until i slowed down and she caught up to me.

peter: (pointing at my eyeshadow) what's that?
me: eyeshadow
p: what's eyeshadow?
m: it's a kind of makeup
p: well i dont have some
m: oh, well, boys arent supposed to have eyeshadow. it's just for girls
p: we need to get the boy kind. i dont have some.
m: no, peter, there is no boy kind. this is just for girls
p: what does it do?
m: it makes your eyes look bigger and prettier. girls put it on when they want their eyes to look pretty.
p: my eyes don't look pretty
m: yes they do. they look perfect the way they are.

ben put a little mini castle/dollhouse thing in the rats' cage. either he thinks it facilitates them somehow or he just thinks it looks good there. i dont know. they dont do anything with it tho. it's not big enough for them to go in it.

oh i think there's more to say. hugging and cuddling with kittens and rats but especially kittens is so much fun especially when your high.

i apparently got the apprenticeship for tattoo bomber but i have yet to get the phone call that tells me when to come in. i'm just going to call them tomorrow.

i talked to lilly veloso on the phone today. i'm going to go hang out w her & paint with her and see if i can help her out or guide her in any way being an artist who has had problems in the past with depression and small-scale self-mutilation. i'm doing this because apparently it turns out lilly also happens to be one of those people. her parents think she may also have asperger syndrome.

alyssa told me one time that kurt cobain's handwriting looks like mine. that really excited me for some reason.

i saw some guy riding this big huge machine that has tires or wheels or whatever they are, higher than your head. i talked to him while i was on my walk. turns out that machine is for spraying fertilizer and weed killer. the guy was about to use it on the corn field that's to the left of sackettsford rd.

the other day mom says she saw jenna chewing on and playing with a little dead mole. she thinks she's probably the one who caught it too. yay!!!!!!!!! jenna's started hunting. her first kill ooooo so exciting. how old is she now?....i guess almost five months.

arcs & (easter) eggs

ive been meaning to write down thoughts for a while. i had a memory of working at fred weiner's summer camp for kids with blood diseases. after he gave his little Being A Camp Counselor 101 speech he said something about like the arc/ark was built by amateurs and the titanic was built by professionals. uh, fred, nobody even knows for sure if the arc/ark really existed. do we have to believe it existed, in order to be allowed to work here?

ben--cast on then off. its been almost 3 weeks. walking almost back to normal.

haha the other night i was walking through the pool room to get to tom's to steal some pot, then mom & chris were in the pool room and they were like "liz let us show u where we hid all the eggs"

to be continued