sept 21

so i got a new part-time job personalizing nameplates and step stools and piggy banks for kids. it's because it's one of denise's jobs now and she doesn't have enough time to do everything she has to do for that job and also run her photography business (which has recently entered another busy season apparently). yeah so now i just go over to her studio to help her out with that stuff almost every weekday for several hours in the afternoon.

mike & tori's friend bill seems to like me i guess. he sort of asked me out through a facebook message. i'm flattered by his attention but i don't know if i could be into him like that.

jelly seems to be finally acting like a rat. she's curious and playful and mischievous like a rat. she explores like a rat, runs around like a rat. yaaay. i guess it just means she's not a baby anymore.

so two or three weekends ago i went cliff-jumping into the conowingo dam with mark & caitlin.

last weekend (two nights ago) i hooked up with mark & caitlin's roommate alex.

i think i like him.

i think he likes me.

i think he's really good at cuddling and other things.

i think he's fun to talk to.

i think the sean situation is a lost cause.

i think i'm ready to shift my focus to alex.

not to mention i haven't heard from the other sean since july. that's fine i guess. he didn't really add anything positive to my life. well yeah he did sometimes but not as much positivity as negativity.

alex climbs trees for a living. he's 24. he has brown hair and green eyes like me. he does fun outside things like camp and snowmobile and ride dirt bikes and 3 wheelers and 4 wheelers, and he has ridden horses before. he's adventurous. he's intelligent. you can just tell right away by talking to him. he went to art school but only for a year, then he stopped because he felt like the program wasn't really teaching him anything. he says he's almost done paying off his student loans. wow. so maybe i would be almost done by now too if i had only gone to school for a year.

july to september

from july 30

apparently some people have skin reactions to the sun if their tattoos have yellow ink in them. 

Can vampires smoke cigarettes?

from aug 1

In a way i miss having a stupid job like cashiering in a cafeteria. In a way i  miss having stupid tedious things being required of me and if i don't do them there's consequences like my livelihood being 
threatened. I guess i miss the feeling of having things be required of me. Things are expected from me now from my family, but if i ever 
don't do them cuz i forgot or whatever, they're just like "oh thats ok. Next time." there's no consequences. When there's no 
consequences for anything...life sometimes can just feel too easy and pointless. However, in spite of me saying all this about missing my 
old job, i know for a fact that if i were hired there again i would instantly regret having said those words.  

from aug 15

Know what my problem is? I'm a tattooist but yet at the same time i find buying  tattoos to be an expensive extravagance that i wouldn't necessarily invest in any time soon. So i'm selling ppl something that 
i myself wouldn't buy. Thats my problem. I find guilt in that. I find guilt in being dishonest. Therefore i'm a bad salesman.

from aug 22

So the other night i had this dream about finding dead chicken bodies  everywhere. I remember picking up at least one of them and throwing it over a hill and into this valley that seemed almost incomprehensibly 
deep. From what i could see of it it looked beautiful but it seemed like the kind of place i wouldn't attempt to visit 
anytime soon. It seemed too hard to get there or something. Then the next day i found out harry killed one of the chickens. 
...the other night i had this dream about dopie. I found out that he wears some kind of retainer. It wasn't a normal retainer though. 
Somehow when he put it in his mouth, it changed the whole shape of his jaw and therefore the shape of his face. When he took it back 
out he practically had a different person's face And he wasn't really cute anymore. He wasn't cute at all actually. ...the other 
night i had a dream about peter (in california). I had a dream that we found out he'd really been in a coma, not dead, and he woke 
back up again and he got to see the drawing i made him and he loved it and i got to see him one last time and i stayed up and drank 
and talked with him and larry and mom. Then the next day he died. At least i got to see him though. I do regard dreams as just 
being another form of reality, so if i look at it that way then i did get to see him one last time...........damn i miss larry and 
peter. ....then last night i had a dream about tom, my old sculpting professor, of all people. I have no idea why. I haven't 
thought of him in a while. In the dream he just kinda Hit on me and did and said some things to basically send me the message that he 
thought i was hot. Then i remember him trying to give me a present. It was something in a box. I remember being hesitant to open 
it. I didn't know if i wanted to or not. Somehow he gave me the feeling that once i accepted and opened that present, i would be 
obligated to fuck him. Either that or i wouldn't be obligated to fuck him but there would still just be something in that gift box 
that would reveal something about him that would make me never think of him the same way again. There was something obscene and 
kinky in that box. I was still just looking at it and trying to decide when the dream ended.

Today i was out weeding in the rain. 

...last time i saw tori, i told her "i  think it's been too long since we made out" and she just frowned and made a shushing gesture at me. I guess cuz mike was in the next 
room. I can't tell if she and i have started growing apart. Maybe the friendship is just going through a dry boring spell. I 
don't know. I also told her that i was a bit peeved that we always do the same thing when we hang out. We sit there and drink and 
smoke and talk and either watch tv or watch mike play video games. Oh and sometimes, especially last time, i try to have a 
conversation with her and mike always listens in and interjects. He always has his 2 cents to put in, and it just makes me feel all 
self-conscious and spied-on and scrutinized and Analyzed and therefore the conversation just doesn't go how it would have 
otherwise. I just can't relax. I just can't spend any fuckin time with tori without fuckin mike right there fucking everything up. 
Sigh. Ok i guess it was bound to get to me sooner or later. It would all be not as bad if it weren't for the fact that for the past 
week or two we've hardly talked on the phone. We usually do semi-frequently. And she's not always around mike when she's on the 
phone with me so it's good, it's like one-on-one time. ...anyway but she says she's just been having a tough time lately. Which i 
should be understanding i guess. Her parents are divorcing. Her dad's best friend just died. Her ferret died last month. Her 
brother just got in a drunk driving car accident that Almost killed someone and shattered his femur.
yeah. Tough times.

from sept 7

It feels almost like something's gone stale between me & tori. Something doesnt  feel right or doesnt feel the same or something. I dunno. 

from sept 8

Men can be really sexy. They can have a hell of a lot of sex appeal. But they  can never make you feel safe the way women can.

later sept 8

As mom was telling me i didnt have the best upbringing, telling me she fucked up  and she feels guilty, telling me she was too young to have kids and in a lot of ways i took care of her as much as she took care of 
me..... As she was telling me all this i was suddenly feeling an automatic urge to say or do something to make her feel 
better, something to take her mind away from all this and stop feeling like this, stop feeling like a bad mom. But by doing that, by 
trying as hard as i could to console and distract her, i realized i would just be reinforcing the truth of what she was telling 
me. I still did try to comfort her. I denied the things she was saying. Then she simply said "you're happily in denial."  i didn't know what to do anymore.  i couldn't do my job anymore, my job of making her feel better.  it made me nervous.  i started to sway back and forth.  i do that when i'm nervous sometimes.  i kept doing that until she was willing to drop the subject and let me go to bed.

from sept 14

i don't know why those few lines ended up looking like that. i don't remember feeling like the needle was jabbing in sideways like that.

so many thoughts.

"she's smarter than you give her credit for."

the FBI is at dad's work and watching us and tapping our phones?

mom put black walnut hull crap in molly's bald spot (the black stuff that dyes your skin if you try to peel a walnut skin off bare-handed) and it looks way better, way less noticeable

why has my right index finger's fingertip been numb for the last two days? i know it started when i was gardening. i was pulling weeds.



from sept 18

Porridge cooked with apples and bananas and plums and cinnamon is the most  heavenly thing to eat when you're high. Eat some of that, then eat some vegan cake, then eat some pear sauce (like applesauce but made with pears) that you yourself made from pears growing in a tree in your backyard.  mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.  it's heavenly.

illusions

now this week my thoughts are more on dopie than sean c. it was definitely sean c last week. maybe next week it'll be more sean m. then maybe tori the next week and nobody the next week. i don't know why i do this. also i don't know if i really like dopie or just my illusion of him (i don't see him that much anymore). i could almost say the same thing about both seans too. hmm. does that mean when i like guys i don't really like them but just my illusions of them? haha.

planking & weezer

ever notice the lead singer of weezer doesn't seem to have much facial expression?

i don't really get the "planking" thing that's been all over facebook recently.

july

from july 10

how crippled are the "jackass" guys right now? how many injuries do they have that will never heal?

sometimes i think there's too many things i do just cuz people expect me to.

sometimes it's like the more people there are that like me and wanna see me and hang out with me, the more insecure and paranoid i feel. ....i've heard kurt cobain was the same way. i've also heard my handwriting is just like his. it cheers me up when i find similarities between me and my hero.

from july 11

"you're more potent."

tom's girlfriend sandy's kids showed up for 1.5 minutes, long enough for their mother to give them some kinda presents and then leave. mom was still putting the dogs away and making them stop barking, getting ready to meet sandy's kids, when they just left. it was pretty strange. i don't get why anyone would do that.

what is that creature at the beginning of the theme song video for true blood, sitting there underwater? i've wondered that for a long time. looks like some kinda giant salamander with spikes around its neck. i was surprised to discover this season that sam & tara aren't together. if i was a true blood character i would be jason. at least right now i remind me of jason. always trying to do good and do the right thing and never get into trouble, and it never ends up working.

"peter, don't stand too close to the grill! you'll get fired!"

"i don't wanna get policed!"

"what is that red stuff you're holding?"

"grown-up jell-o."

"sometimes jell-o is for kids too right?"

"yeah."

"this is sometimes."

"no, it's not."

"i have one thing to say, shantay shantay shantay."

so supposedly i am "more potent" than my half brothers because i was created out of passion, not just because of wanting to have kids. that's what mom says anyway. maybe she was just trying to make me feel better about having been born into a dysfunctional marriage.

i tested those shrooms i picked last month and they didn't do anything :( ...it could be just that my tolerance is up though, cuz i did eat some several weeks ago but then i knew they wouldn't make me trip cuz i was on zoloft, i was just testing them to make sure they weren't poisonous.

...amanda j reminds me of holly k a bit. ...i shared with her the reason why i'm never having kids. it's basically because of ralph and the fact that, while i was high, i somehow accidentally let him run away. how could i trust myself as a parent after that? plus there was nyxie. she died of mycoplasm pneumonia because i put cedar shavings in her tank one time. and vinny? i still don't know why he died. he was just cold one morning. did he choke? did he suffocate? did he have a heart attack? whatever it was, was it because of me or because of something i gave him? i don't know. ben was talking about vinny today and how much he misses him.

i figured out what children's book is about people like me: federick.

i saw part one of harry potter number 7 the other day with amanda and her friend britney.

my friend lindsay was gonna give me a bunny but then didn't once she found someone more enthusiastic about taking her.

4th of july weekend, the schlessers were all down here. we swam in the quarry that's down the street, among many other things. i tattooed my aunt and uncle and cousin.

i wouldn't be a good mom but i would be a good aunt.

we played an xbox dancing game.

mom listened to my story about sean c. and then told me that i'm paranoid and i hurt him. things i did bc of being paranoid and insecure, hurt him. later i thought to myself "maybe that's why the closest thing i've ever had to a relationship is with someone who just pisses me off all the time [sean m.]. at least i know i'll never hurt him more than he hurts me. i hate feeling guilty."

i saw darya and ray the other night. ray was making soap.

tom has been needing me to get him his weed. it's been more and more of a hassle as time progresses. a big part of the reason is the way he approaches it.

i need to find out online how old shrooms can be before they're not safe to eat.

tori's parents are getting divorced.

i need to tell sean c those shrooms won't do anything (i gave some to amanda & chris to give to him). i need to make business cards. i need to sell some things online. i need to see how much money is left in my bank account. i miss having my own computer. i don't get half the stuff done that i need to get done because of not having my own damn computer. why did i just start feeling a little down? maybe because it's the day after, or two days after, a big party that i had been looking forward to for a while. i feel feelings more acutely now that i'm off my meds. why did i go off them? so i could trip on shrooms. and then that didn't even work. great. all that for nothing. ...i still am saving money though. meds cost money.

the other night late at night i borrowed tom's computer and brought it in the pool room so i could skype with sean m. i didn't return the computer until it was barely beginning to get light out. tom just had to wake up as i was returning his computer to him in my tank top and underwear.

...that's why i'm down now, cuz the shrooms didn't work.

a memory comes to me: me telling dopie i wanted to hang out with him one night and him telling me "i'll probably impregnate you," and me not knowing what to say back. another memory comes to me: me as a teenager, mom looking at my feet and saying "do you want me to braid your toe hair for christmas?" ...since then i shave my toes. another memory from just last weekend: mom saying "no, no, not this song. yes, please, make it better," as that "hey jude" song by the beatles came on and it was at the part that goes "then you can start to make it better." haha.

...maybe i'm just partly down because the weekend's over. there's still stuff to look forward to: manny & linda's cookout/party thing, seeing lindsay, maybe seeing one or both of the two seans, seeing the schlessers again, maybe going to sandy's barbecue...

so i guess i did finally get to know amanda j at least somewhat. ...i was a little more conscious of the age difference between me and that group of people as we were walking around town and whenever i mentioned music or movies that were before their time, not realizing before i mentioned it that it was before their time. haha.

a memory i'm fond of recalling is one where i was trying to ask sean c about his parents and what they're like and what his relationship with them was like. he was telling me in some way or another that there was some amount of discomfort in his relationship with his father. i said "so if you went up t......" and started to giggle and it was hard to stop, and then i tried to say it again and then i started giggling again and he said "if i went up to my dad... yeah... ?" and i said "if you went up to your dad and said 'dad, how much do you love me? cuz i love you thiiiiiiiiiiiis much,' what would he do?" (i opened my arms wide as i said "thiiiiiiiiiis much"). sean laughed and said "he'd probably say 'what kind of drugs are you on right now sean?"

i hate when i can't tell if ppl are mad at me or if they're just not answering cuz they're really busy. and i dislike those moments when someone's flirting with u and it's someone u need to deal with for whatever reason so u can't just blow them off and u want to show them ur not interested but not be rude and its so hard to know how to do that.

chelsea's recently had some kind of relationship with a girl named niya. last i heard it was starting to go to shit. i don't know now though. their deal was that they were girlfriends but they were allowed to do guys but not other girls. ...sounds like a sweet setup. anyway but now that girl niya is moving to another town.

will i ever be a successful tattooist? will i ever become more successful and busy and popular? i would've thought that after i put that kickass sea turtle tattoo i did online, that i would've had new clientele left & right. apparently not though.

will i ever get to be with sean? if not him, can i be content or pretend to be content with the other sean? what about dopie? he's pretty adorable and cute and sexy. but sometimes i get the feeling we will never really be able to relate to each other the way i can relate to sean (c). i don't know though. i would prob give it a shot if he was willing. i don't know if he is or not though. he's been giving mixed signals. ...and who would be a better second choice, sean m or dopie? i dunno. andy? would i ever mess with him? i don't think i would. i don't think i would ever do that to sean. thats his friend.

i have to tag mark in that picture.

something just occurred to me, i have a couple pics from the party a couple nights ago. up until right now i was planning on putting them up on facebook. i dunno if i will now though. what if sean saw and felt weird that i was partying with his friends without him? ...could amanda and chris possibly feel like i was using them to get to sean?? i don't think they would think that. i dunno though. using them as in going to their party with the intention of dropping off shrooms with them for sean. hmmmm. is that rude or shitty in any way?

will i never be able to relate to dopie? never? and if i can't what's the reason? because we come from two different classes in society? but that can't be the reason can it? cuz i can relate to tori. speaking of her, why hasn't she talked to me all day?

now i feel shitty about getting amanda and chris all excited about shrooms that turned out to be ineffective.

from july 12

gaps in between periods last longer in the summer?

"i wanna meet the monkeys that made us." -peter

so today harry met a pig, i found out that "late night hess" means you order anything in the whole store through a window and pay for it through the window, and mom tried to tempt me into buying a rat at the pet store. i think maybe she was just doing that to make me decide if i'll ever have one again or not and therefore decide what i'm doing with vinny's old rat cage that's been sitting in the garage since last winter.

going into a dunkin donuts or seeing one usually reminds me of a black-eyed peas song.

i learned on "family guy" that the symbol "&" is called an "amperstand."

from july 18

i'm starting to suspect more and more that it really was just my tolerance or my meds not being totally worn off. i'm starting to suspect more and more that that's the real reason behind the shrooms not taking effect. we'll have to just wait and see though. now mike & tori have some, amanda & chris have some, and sean has some (or will have some). i'll hear reports sooner or later.

yeah i've been feeling kinda down and at first i thought it was pms but now it's lasting too long to just be pms so i think the effects of going off my meds were finally starting to kick in. so that means they didn't wear off until recently which means i took the shrooms before they wore off, which means i don't know how they affect people who aren't on meds. ooooooh the anticipation.

bla

did woody think he was a real sheriff when he first came out of his box?

libras are all so smug and balanced, comfortable and self-confident and secure. sometimes annoyingly so. no i still don't know if i really believe in astrology or not. but when all three of my mom's husbands were pisces men, it's hard to not suspect there may be something to it. what other proof is there? ...i have a tendency to like capricorn men. i've had three capricorns, two pisces, two cancers, a scorpio a virgo a libra and a gemini. and two whose signs i don't know. i do still have jason's number though..... haha imagine that phone call. "hi, i'm trying to figure out astrological patterns with guys i've fucked and it occurs to me i forget your birthday. what is it?"

sometimes when i ask someone how they know someone, they think i'm saying all snobby like "so how do YOU know him?" ....uhhh, not really. just making conversation. try not to get your panties in a twist.

so the other day i was on facebook and i saw a link or button that said "find your friends." i clicked on it. they showed me a whole bunch of my friends' friends. one guy was tattooing in his profile picture. i thought "ooooooooooh" and "poked" him. he poked me back. he friended me. he struck up a conversation with me. ....we'll see how it goes....

in the same week one of my grandparents and one of tori's grandparents fell down. hers had to go to the hospital. mine just had to go to the chiropractor, but he was in the hospital last week.

they say grief is one of the biggest.....i'll finish that later

june 29

really loose bowels for the past week. at first i thought it was from the mexican food from my friends taking me out for my birthday. this is lasting too long though. do i have parasites in me?...a week and three days ago i ate some fresh-picked psilocybe cyanescens. only a portion of the batch that i picked. i dried out the rest. but a couple days later i picked some more of them (from the same spot) and broke one open to find a little tiny white worm-caterpillar-type-thing inside. also realized that several of them had those inside. uhh-ohh. hahahaha. and i have been eating kind of a lot and not gaining any weight. well then maybe these parasites will be handy in the winter.

oh and by the way nothing happened to me when i ate those. i later remembered that you don't trip on that species of mushroom if you're on anti-depressants. i started weaning myself off of them cuz i don't need them as much in the summer time anyway. so, a week and a day from now, the anti-depressants should be out of my system and i can trip with mike and tori. yaaaaaaaaaaaaaay! (and for those who don't know: parasites can't live in the dried-up ones. they would've died by now. so, no, i'm not giving parasites to my friends. lol.)