psychics and bees

there is a memory that comes back to me every now and then, a memory about ben and peter when they were babies. they both needed attention at the same time. that morning it was my job to take care of them. i was feeding ben--i think i had just started feeding him, henceforth, getting him to stop crying--and peter started crying. i knew for a fact that peter didn't need anything. i had just changed his diaper and i think i had just fed him, but he was looking at me and crawling towards me as i was sitting on the armchair feeding ben. he was stretching one of his arms towards me. i knew what he wanted. he just wanted to be held. right then i was frustrated by that because being held is not a need. being fed is a need. i was frustrated at him. all that was on my mind at the moment was, "i'm doing my job. i'm doing what is required. i'm tending to the physical needs of these babies. peter is being too demanding." i was being selfish. maybe i could have leaned ben's head against one of the arms of the armchair, put the bottle down, picked up peter, then transferred him to one arm and used the other hand to feed ben. but then, if i did that, for a few seconds there i would have had to listen to crying from BOTH babies at once as opposed to just one. again, i was being selfish. i just sat feeding ben as i looked at peter who was on his hands and knees on the floor in front of the armchair, crying, crawling towards me, stopping and lifting one arm to reach it out towards me. after doing that for a minute or so, he just sort of collapsed and laid on the floor, still crying.

every now and then this memory comes back to me and i'm filled with a horrible feeling of guilt until i somehow manage to push the memory out of my head and occupy my mind with something else. today was one of the days that this memory came back to me. i was at work. i was finding it surprisingly hard to push the memory out of my head today. also i was remembering that last night my boss and i were discussing the subject of psychics. also i was remembering that last night i had bad dreams about children getting hurt.

all these thoughts and realizations led me to this thought: "could i be having a psychic moment right now? is something bad happening to peter right now?"

then later i found out that peter stepped on a bee today.

it's probably all coincidental, because the degree of worry that was present in me today isn't exactly equivalent to the degree of worry that is evoked from learning that he stepped on a bee.